Icarus K Ancrum Quotes

You think I’d know art, and not know this?” Icarus said. He pressed closer, still. “There have been men like you before we had words for it.

I wish that I could hate you. I wish that I could. But I can’t and that makes it worse. Understanding you has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.

There are so many books written about the weak learning to be strong and not many about the strong opening themselves up to weakness and vulnerability.

Love is never a sin, and the rules of men who don’t understand that don’t matter.

I was made for you; I was born for you, and you’re still standing before me acting like you’re not worthy.

I was yours before we even met and I’ll be yours until we die.

No one is born knowing how friends work. You figure it out as you go along.

Being with Helios felt like chess or a waltz. Icarus was surefooted in many ways, but not this. He didn't know how to play. But it was thrilling.

Helios stopped talking and stared up at the ceiling. ‘I’ve always been a disappointment.’ Icarus couldn’t say that Helios wasn’t, he couldn’t say it was going to be okay because he didn’t know if it would be, he didn’t have a paragraph of loving words that he’d rehearsed the way Helios did. He only had the truth. ‘I want you anyway.’ Then, softer, ‘I’ll want you still, all the same.

She was in love with him, quietly, I think.’ Icarus continued. ‘Because there is no art of your mother in my house, but there are a thousand paintings of mine.

I was yours before we even met and I'll be yours until we die.

Meeting him feels like learning about a part of myself that I haven’t been allowed to understand until now.

His father liked to keep his eyes closed. Icarus needed to keep his eyes open to stay tethered to faith.

He wanted to nip and get nipped in return.

Uncertainty felt like death at his back.

Angus Gallagher shut tight like a sarcophagus. Icarus Gallagher, eyes open, mouth open, waiting.

We should really make a Horrible Dads club. I’m sure it won’t be hard to find members.

He wondered at the picture they made. Icarus dark and small, in the water, head tilted back in devout wonder. Helios, red like the sun, gold in the light, standing above him.

He was calm with Sorrel. It was like being in a Beatrix Potter novel with little squirrels doing laundry and rabbits mending fences.

You stole so much from me,” Icarus continued. “Time I can’t get back, friendships I could have had, experiences I can never ever share. She died, and I get that and it was painful and it was horrible, but you never gave me a chance to live.

Helios was brilliant in this sun. He had to shield his gaze against it. Had to look at the space beside him through the shadow of his own hand. Helios’s hair spilled across the pillow, violent, sanguine, eyelashes flax-gold. He was blood in milk, he was the skin of a Pink Lady apple, he was honey warmed in a hot spoon over tea. He was looking at Icarus lazy and indulgent. Not surprised in the least to wake up not alone.

Luca began to laugh. He laughed so hard it turned to a wheeze and he had to slow down and put his hands on his knees. “Do you do this on purpose?” Luca asked once they started walking again. “Manipulate supply and demand to make being with you feel like a luxury good?” “You think I’m a luxury good?” Icarus replied in the most saccharine drippy voice he could. “Oh Mr. Luca, I do declare . . .” “Nooo, you dick,” Luca guffawed, pushing Icarus again. “Don’t start with that.” Luca’s cheeks burned pink as sunset at the teasing.

When instinct tells you to pay attention and choose tenderness, do it. Community is humanity's greatest strength and community at its core is just love: work motivated by that love, comforts created out of love, bonds fed by love or at least for the desire of it. Being young is so frightening because it feels like you don't have the power to enact dynamic change. In cases like this, in stories like this, where what is happening is so inexplicable and out of control that all you can do is try to give the strong person in your life the pleasure of your time or the snack from your lunch tray or a hug in the morning or the warmth and privacy of your car during their lunch hour… If it is all you can give, it is enough. It has meaning. It is helping. I love you for trying and please, please, please, don't let time steal this part of you.

He remembered the first night he’d felt like he was being watched, felt the air disturbed, because Helios was here. Like everything had shifted to follow his orbit.

He’s . . . beautiful. He has red hair, dark red. And he does ballet and he’s so good at it. He’s strong enough to lift me over his head. He’s funny and mean and always saying surprising things and I know it’s dangerous to break in to see him, but it’s worth it. I feel . . . meeting him feels like learning about a part of myself that I haven’t been allowed to understand until now.

This house was loud and bright and full, and Icarus shivered into it like it was the first time he was being allowed in out of the cold.

You never . . . you never . . . I had to learn how to hug someone from a friend. No one had ever held my hand until this year! You’re so fucking focused on yourself and your pain. You’re the most selfish man I’ve ever known!

For a man who didn’t have much, Angus wasn’t being that careful with what he had left.

You would sleep when you want to sleep. No light would touch you when your head hurt. I would do all the chores. You would only move if it . . . if it made you happy,” Helios whispered.

Luca and Celestina were holding hands under the table and Icarus wanted to weep. He wanted to scoop this entire evening up and eat it with a spoon, taste it on his fingers, save it for later.

Was this what Celestina and Luca came home to every night? Maybe even Helios when he was with his mom? Maybe Sorrel and Aspen and Julian too? How could he go home to his cold little bed now? He understood more than ever the ghosts in Celestina and Luca’s eyes when they saw his house. He understood, now, why Luca had been shaking.

The only thing we can do is try our fucking best and pray that it’s good enough for everyone around us.

I think about this . . . all the time,” Icarus confessed. “I don’t understand you. Everything about you throws me off guard and I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I never feel like that.

The new place he’d live would have tall wide windows to let in so much light. The walls would be bare, not cluttered with frames, and it would be so clean inside. He would pick a place close to a grocery store so he could go shopping every day after classes. He would keep ferns of course, but would also have vases of flowers and bowls of fruit and the whole house would smell like their ripening. He would take one painting of his mom, just one so it had more meaning. His bedroom would be the biggest room in the house. Even if he had to share it with the kitchen or put his bed in the living room. He’d have a mattress big enough to make snow angels.

If he touched Julian’s neck, he would know what Julian felt like. If he knew what Julian felt like, Icarus was afraid he wouldn’t forget it.

Icarus didn’t get touched very often and the few times it happened by accident it felt . . . like so much. His face burned when someone handed him something and their fingers brushed. It made his chest feel tight and out of order, like the discord of strumming your fingers across all the strings of a guitar.

Icarus knew Helios was upset, but he wanted to grin and grin and grin. His heart sang at the fact that something meaningless like his discomfort brought Helios to tears. No one had ever felt that way about him and it was so fresh and new.

Earlier, Helios had thought hard about what he would do to make Icarus comfortable. Icarus could do the same. Together, they could do the same.

Luca hugged him like he had every right to. Like they had ever done it before. Swept his arms under Icarus’s arms, wrapped one around his upper back, curled the other around his waist. Pushed his chin into the curve of Icarus’s neck. Held him full and sweet. Tears sprang to Icarus’s eyes without his permission.

Celestina’s arm tightened around the back of his head and he nosed deeper into the curve of her neck, falling back asleep. He had never been this warm in his life, had never been held like this—held at all. It felt like his bones were wrapped in a quilt made of sunlight.

You’re the only best friends I’ve ever had. I can’t risk anything happening to that,” Icarus replied softly. “Nothing can ever replace you.

Icarus’s smirk widened into a grin. “Helios Black. I am a filthy cat burglar with a house full of money, priceless art, and stolen goods. If someone gets even a glimpse through our windows, Interpol will tear our home apart. I definitely can’t have friends coming and going all the time.

Being with Helios felt like chess or a waltz. Icarus was surefooted in many ways, but not this. He didn’t know how to play. But it was thrilling.

He pulled the ice out of Icarus's arms and set it on the ground, then he dragged Icarus into a hug. Helios had hugged him carefully, like he thought he might be pushed away... had wrapped his arms around the top of Icarus's shoulders, held him close to his chest. Luca hugged him like he had every right to. Like they had ever done it before. Swept his arms under Icarus's arms, wrapped one around his upper back, curled the other around his waist, pushed his chin into the curve of Icarus's neck, held him full and sweet. Tears sprang to Icarus's eyes without his permission.

Are we allowed to touch you again?" Luca interrupted urgently. "I asked my mom about it and she said that people should ask after someone tells you no the first time." Icarus closed his eyes for a moment at that image--of Luca, asking. Then he did something he'd never done before. "Come here." Luca fell into his arms, shaking. Icarus tried to mirror Luca's arm placement from the party, to do it right.

When you don't have people to be responsible to, or relationships that you have to sustain, you don't get in the habit of saying things you don't mean. Icarus told the truth because if anyone didn't like it, he'd just never speak to them again.