Humorous Inspirational Quotes

It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.

Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right.

I love to see a young girl go out and grab the world by the lapels. Life's a bitch. You've got to go out and kick ass.

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains.

Even if you are on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit there.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

The worst part of success is trying to find someone who is happy for you.

What's the good of living if you don't try a few things?

I meant what I said and I said what I meant. An elephant's faithful one-hundred percent!

I figured something out. The future is unpredictable.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Life sucks, and then you die...

I never made one of my discoveries through the process of rational thinking

I would maintain that thanks are the highest form of thought; and that gratitude is happiness doubled by wonder.

A goal without a plan is just a wish.

No! Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try.

If you're horrible to me, I'm going to write a song about it, and you won't like it. That's how I operate.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.

Everything will turn out right, the world is built on that.

When I was growing up I always wanted to be someone. Now I realize I should have been more specific.

Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.

There are never enough 'I love you's.

They laugh at me because I'm different; I laugh at them because they're all the same.

Congratulations! Today is your day. You're off to Great Places! You're off and away!

Instead of committing suicide, people go to work.

Gossip is just a tool to distract people who have nothing better to do from feeling jealous of those few of us still remaining with noble hearts.

We don't have to be defined by the things we did or didn't do in our past. Some people allow themselves to be controlled by regret. Maybe it's a regret, maybe it's not. It's merely something that happened. Get over it.

Angels can fly because they can take themselves lightly.

Few people know how to take a walk. The qualifications are endurance, plain clothes, old shoes, an eye for nature, good humor, vast curiosity, good speech, good silence and nothing too much.

Every morning when I wake up, I experience an exquisite joy —the joy of being Salvador Dalí— and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things is this Salvador Dalí going to accomplish today?

Laughter is carbonated holiness.

It's just that in the Deep South, women learn at a young age that when the world is falling apart around you, it's time to take down the drapes and make a new dress.

Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken!

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.

I used to think the world was broken down by tribes,' I said. 'By Black and White. By Indian and White. But I know this isn't true. The world is only broken into two tribes: the people who are assholes and the people who are not.

Sometimes you just have to put on lip gloss and pretend to be psyched.

All the time you're saying to yourself, 'I could do that, but I won't,' — which is just another way of saying that you can't.

WATNEY: Look! A pair of boobs! -> (.Y.).

Life is short. If you doubt me, ask a butterfly. Their average life span is a mere five to fourteen days.

Life has three rules: Paradox, Humor, and Change. - Paradox: Life is a mystery; don't waste your time trying to figure it out. - Humor: Keep a sense of humor, especially about yourself. It is a strength beyond all measure - Change: Know that nothing ever stays the same.

Nothing's a better cure for writer's block than to eat ice cream right out of the carton.

If you want to catch beasts you don't see every day, You have to go places quite out of the way, You have to go places no others can get to. You have to get cold and you have too get wet, too.

When I get sad, I stop being sad and be awesome instead.

Everything stinks till it’s finished.

We lay there and looked up at the night sky and she told me about stars called blue squares and red swirls and I told her I'd never heard of them. Of course not, she said, the really important stuff they never tell you. You have to imagine it on your own.

Yes, I have tricks in my pocket, I have things up my sleeve. But I am the opposite of a stage magician. He gives you illusion that has the appearance of truth. I give you truth in the pleasant disguise of illusion.

And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will all kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't.

To love is easy, to be in a relationship is extremely difficult.

It is harder to crack prejudice than an atom.

As you proceed through life, following your own path, birds will shit on you. Don't bother to brush it off. Getting a comedic view of your situation gives you spiritual distance. Having a sense of humor saves you.

Whatever you see you gotta keep a sense of humor; you gotta be able to smile through all the bullshit.

My hope still is to leave the world a bit better than when I got here.

Life is and will ever remain an equation incapable of solution, but it contains certain known factors.

I always cheer up immensely if an attack is particularly wounding because I think, well, if they attack one personally, it means they have not a single political argument left.

Plants are more courageous than almost all human beings: an orange tree would rather die than produce lemons, whereas instead of dying the average person would rather be someone they are not.

Go on, get out! Last words are for fools who haven't said enough!

Deciding whether or not to trust a person is like deciding whether or not to climb a tree because you might get a wonderful view from the highest branch or you might simply get covered in sap and for this reason many people choose to spend their time alone and indoors where it is harder to get a splinter.

A photographer is like a cod, which produces a million eggs in order that one may reach maturity.

The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want for nothing. He makes me lie down in the green pastures. He greases up my head with oil. He gives me kung-fu in the face of my enemies. Amen

If you would not be forgotten, as soon as you are dead and rotten, either write things worth reading, or do things worth writing.

The road to enlightenment is long and difficult, and you should try not to forget snacks and magazines.

You don't have to make something that people call art. Living is an artistic activity, there is an art to getting through the day.

You know what I can't understand? You have all these people telling you all the time how great you are, smart and funny and talented and all that, I mean endlessly, I've been telling you for years. So why don't you believe it? why do you think people say that stuff, Em? Do you think it's a conspiracy, people secretly ganging up to be nice about you?

One morning you wake up with more life behind you than in front of you, not being able to understand how it’s happened.

I never did give them hell. I just told the truth, and they thought it was hell.

It occurs to me that our survival may depend upon our talking to one another.

We spend money that we do not have, on things we do not need, to impress people who do not care.

Get Off The Scale! You are beautiful. Your beauty, just like your capacity for life, happiness, and success, is immeasurable. Day after day, countless people across the globe get on a scale in search of validation of beauty and social acceptance. Get off the scale! I have yet to see a scale that can tell you how enchanting your eyes are. I have yet to see a scale that can show you how wonderful your hair looks when the sun shines its glorious rays on it. I have yet to see a scale that can thank you for your compassion, sense of humor, and contagious smile. Get off the scale because I have yet to see one that can admire you for your perseverance when challenged in life. It’s true, the scale can only give you a numerical reflection of your relationship with gravity. That’s it. It cannot measure beauty, talent, purpose, life force, possibility, strength, or love. Don’t give the scale more power than it has earned. Take note of the number, then get off the scale and live your life. You are beautiful!

I don't know why people are afraid of lust. Then I can imagine that they are very afraid of me, for I have a great lust for everything. A lust for life, a lust for how the summer-heated street feels beneath my feet, a lust for the touch of another's skin on my skin...a lust for everything. I even lust after cake. Yes, I am very lusty and very scary.

One thing I've learned about people is that the easiest way to get them to like you is to shut up and let them do the talking.

And empty words are evil.

If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.

Rule #3 - It's okay to believe yourself better than the rest of the planet, so long as you keep it to yourself.

Never trust a man with a penis.

I have come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. I possess tremendous power to make life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration, I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis is escalated or de-escalated, and a person is humanized or de-humanized. If we treat people as they are, we make them worse. If we treat people as they ought to be, we help them become what they are capable of becoming.

Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.

Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.

In the end, everything is a gag.

Believe me, It would be better if we didn't meet again. Go back to school. Go back to your life. And next time they ask you, say no. Killing is for grown-ups and you're still a child.

May the fleas of a thousand camels invade the crotch of the person that ruins your day. And may their arms be to short too scratch

Alphabet: a symbolic system used in algebra, with applications that have yet to be discovered by dyslexics and two thirds of college graduates.

You have come to earth to entertain and to be entertained.

At a certain age almost all the questions a person asks him or herself are really just about one thing: how should you live your life?

There is no need to search; achievement leads to nowhere. It makes no difference at all, so just be happy now! Love is the only reality of the world, because it is all One, you see. And the only laws are paradox, humor and change. There is no problem, never was, and never will be. Release your struggle, let go of your mind, throw away your concerns, and relax into the world. No need to resist life, just do your best. Open your eyes and see that you are far more than you imagine. You are the world, you are the universe; you are yourself and everyone else, too! It's all the marvelous Play of God. Wake up, regain your humor. Don't worry, just be happy. You are already free!

90% of the game is half mental.

Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.

To ugly ducklings everywhere, Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons: They'll never get to be swans

You don't always have to kiss a lot of frogs to recognize a prince when you find one -Henrietta Barett

God helps those who strut their stuff.

Philosophy of science is about as useful to scientists as ornithology is to birds.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

YOU are the big drop of dew under the lotus leaf, I am the smaller one on its upper side,' said the dewdrop to the lake.

Because I trust in the ever-changing climate of the heart. (At least, today I feel that way.) I think it is necessary to have many experiences for the sake of feeling something; for the sake of being challenged, and for the sake of being expressive, to offer something to someone else, to learn what we are capable of.

...it’s just another one of those things I don’t understand: everyone impresses upon you how unique you are, encouraging you to cultivate your individuality while at the same time trying to squish you and everyone else into the same ridiculous mould. It’s an artist’s right to rebel against the world’s stupidity.

I am no king, and I am no lord, And I am no soldier at-arms," said he. "I'm none but a harper, and a very poor harper, That am come hither to wed with ye." "If you were a lord, you should be my lord, And the same if you were a thief," said she. "And if you are a harper, you shall be my harper, For it makes no matter to me, to me, For it makes no matter to me." "But what if it prove that I am no harper? That I lied for your love most monstrously?" "Why, then I'll teach you to play and sing, For I dearly love a good harp," said she.

Can't stand all these poisonous creatures, all these snakes and insects and fish and things. Wretched things, biting everybody. And then people expect me to tell them what to do about it. I'll tell them what to do. Don't get bitten in the first place. (quoting Dr. Struan Sutherland)

When I was One, I had just begun. When I was Two, I was nearly new. When I was Three I was hardly me. When I was Four, I was not much more. When I was Five, I was just alive. But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever, So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

Love does not cost anything. Kind words and deeds do not cost anything. The real beauty of the world is equal for everyone to see. It was given by God equally to all, without restrictions. Everyone, was given a beautiful vehicle in which to express love to others. Feelings are free to express and give to ourselves and each other through our willingness to give and care. What is complicated about this... Why have we made others feel they have to climb mountains and swim oceans in order to make a difference. All we need to understand my friends, is that human life was given equally to us all, not partially but in totality. The sun was given to all. It does not shine on the few. So, just has nature is indifferent to our station or situation, we need to know that we are all equal. We need to focus on the things that are constant and not place our values on things that can be blown away with the next, great, wind. Value life in what ever house it dwells. For when it comes time that we are all stripped to bare bones before the divine and facing eternity, we will understand that the only law we were meant to follow, was to love ourselves and each other. Nothing more...nothing less.