Hsp Quotes

Sensitive people feel so deeply they often have to retreat from the world, in order to dig beneath the layers of pain to find their faith and courage.

Am I too much for the world, or is the world too much for me?

Even a moderate and familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need quiet by evening.

Make good boundaries your goal. They are your right, your responsibility, your greatest source of dignity.

You were born to be among the advisors and thinkers, the spiritual and moral leaders for your society. There is every reason for pride.

When you're living so intensely in your head there isn't any different between what you imagine and what actually takes place. Therefore, you're both omnipotent and powerless.

Being highly sensitive does not at all rule out being, in your own way, a tenacious survivor.

There are always people who are inspired by you, just because you are who you are.

If you’re an HSP, you’ve probably developed a destructive habit over the years of trying to educate toxic people on how to be more empathic or considerate.

Consider that the simplest social interactions between two people requires performing an astonishing array of tasks: interpreting what the other person is saying; reading body language and facial expressions; smoothly taking turns talking and listening; responding to what the other person said; assessing whether you're being understood; determining whether you're well received, and, if not, figuring out how to improve or remove yourself from the situation. Think of what it takes to juggle all this at once! And that's just a one-to-one conversation. Now imagine the multitasking required in a group setting like a dinner party. (p237)

To become a skilled as an empath, you don't need to show the world anything. Empath Empowerment isn't about personal image, like whether or not you dress with attitude. Being skilled as an empath doesn't hinge on social choices of any kind.

Does it make you selfish, paying attention to yourself? Definitely not! Especially when you’re a skilled empath. Non-empaths automatically treat themselves as The Most Important Person in the Room. And it’s perfectly fine for you to do it too.

With sensitive children, physical blows or traumas aren't required to make them afraid of the dark.

Empathy is my good friend, but she doesn’t allow me to be angry.

It is true that even when exhausted you still are providing something to those you serve. But you are out of touch with your deepest strengths, role-modelling self-destructive behaviour, martyring yourself, and giving others cause for guilt.

In short, you do not have to take the job that will create excessive stress and overarousal. Someone else will take it and flourish in it. You do not have to work long hours. Indeed, it may be your duty to work shorter ones. It may not be best to advertise it, but keeping yourself healthy and in your right range of arousal is the first condition for helping others.

Blocking our feelings and pretending they aren’t there doesn’t mean they don’t exist.

Anger tried to help me feel better about myself by pushing the blame onto someone else.

Whenever you ask God to help your inner life, it's impossible to ask too much. Give yourself permission to ask big. Demand that God give you more than a thimble-sized blessing. Ask for huge amounts of self-love, self confidence, spiritual awakening, clarity, personal power. Or choose anything else that will strengthen you.

I mistakenly believed that I was my emotions.

Even without overt sexual abuse, all young women are known to experience a descent into low self-esteem at puberty, probably as they realize their role as sexual objects. The highly sensitive girl will sense all the implications even more and make self-protection a higher priority. Some overeat to become unattractive, some overstudy or overtrain so they have no free time, some pick one boy early and hang on to him for protection.

As adults, HSPs tend to have just the right personalities for inner work and healing. Generally speaking, your keen intuition helps you uncover the most important hidden factors. You have greater access to your own unconscious and so a greater sense of others' and how you were affected. You can develop a good sense of the process itself - when to push, when to back off. You have curiosity about inner life. Above all, you have integrity. You remain committed to the process of individuation no matter how difficult it is to face certain moments, certain wounds, certain facts.

I’m an HSP to the core. I avoid violent imagery (I abandoned reading Elaine Aron’s The Highly Sensitive Person on my first try because—in typical HSP fashion—I couldn’t handle the frequent references to sexual abuse). I’m very empathetic, and I feel as though my head will explode when two people try to talk to me at the same time. I have difficulty making dinner while the counter is cluttered with the morning’s dishes. I lose my mind when someone is singing while the radio is playing a different song. Watching the news makes me want to assume the fetal position and never get up.

Another kind of HSP could potentially have an even stronger pause-to-check system but an activation system that is also very strong—just not quite as strong. This kind of HSP would be both very curious and very cautious, bold yet anxious, easily bored yet easily overaroused. The optimal level of arousal is a narrow range. One could say there is a constant power struggle between the advisor and the impulsive, expansive warrior within the person.

What kind of skill matters for an empath? Not psychological boundary work or anything about behavior. Not energy work to clean up the mess from being an unskilled empath. Not avoiding energies of negative or overwhelming people. (With appropriate skill, an empath can go anywhere while remaining energetically protected.) The kind of skill empaths need comes from using your AWARENESS, a gentle way of being awake inside. Ever since you were born, all your waking hours, you have had awareness.

Limitless compassion. Finding beauty in the underappreciated. Patience devoted to a job well loved. These are the values that set Sensitive Intuitives on fire. Not competition and not reward-based approval systems.

What is highly arousing for most people causes an HSP to become very frazzled indeed, until they reach a shutdown point called “transmarginal inhibition.” Transmarginal inhibition was first discussed around the turn of the century by the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who was convinced that the most basic inherited difference among people was how soon they reach this shutdown point and that the quick-to-shut-down have a fundamentally different type of nervous system.

If your child is a teenage empath, you might like to try introducing them to self-inquiry. As sensitive beings, empathic teenagers struggle greatly to differentiate their emotions from those around them. One of the best ways to help your child regulate their emotions is by teaching them to ask, “Is this feeling mine?

Practice loving detachment.

For many Highly Sensitive People, fear can be debilitating.  After years of being browbeaten or otherwise treated as abnormal, we might as well own that sucker.  We are abnormal in that normal is the 80-85% of the world that are not HSPs.  Normal is the large bunch that follows the crowd and succumbs to mob mentality.  Normal is loud and inconsiderate; at least that’s how it feels in our sensitive skin (sorry normals, I’m writing for the HSP and trying to make a point – no offense meant).  Do we really want to be normal?

The key difference, of course, is that non-HSPs with anxiety disorders can approach their anxiety as a mental illness that can be eliminated entirely with the right treatment. On the other hand, an HSP will never fully eliminate their sensitivity and susceptibility to anxiety and panic. If you are a particularly anxious HSP, aim to get your tendency to worry under control rather than to overcome it completely. You can help yourself cope with high levels of intense stimuli, but you will always have a lower stress threshold than a non-HSP.

Unfortunately, “Empath” is often used in ways that are more confusing than helpful. Such as? Defining it as “Someone who feels other people’s feelings,” or claiming that an empath is somebody who requires psychological boundary work. In The Empowered Empath I sought to remedy confusions like these. You learned accurate names for 15 very different empath gifts. You were coached to discover what is lovely about each one that you possess. To help you gain skills, these gifts were defined fully, not just the pretty parts. You were alerted to distinctive problems that can accompany each of those empath gifts, at least until solid skills are gained.

This two-system explanation of sensitivity also suggests two different types of HSPs. Some might have only an average-strength pause-to-check system but an activation system that is even weaker. This kind of HSP might be very calm, quiet, and content with a simple life. It’s as if the royal advisors are monks who rule the whole country/person. Another kind of HSP could potentially have an even stronger pause-to-check system but an activation system that is also very strong—just not quite as strong. This kind of HSP would be both very curious and very cautious, bold yet anxious, easily bored yet easily overaroused. The optimal level of arousal is a narrow range. One could say there is a constant power struggle between the advisor and the impulsive, expansive warrior within the person.

For many Highly Sensitive People, fear can be debilitating.  After years of being browbeaten or otherwise treated as abnormal, we might as well own that sucker.  We are abnormal in that normal is the 80-85% of the world that are not HSPs.  Normal is the large bunch that follows the crowd and succumbs to mob mentality.  Normal is loud and inconsiderate; at least that’s how it feels in our sensitive skin (sorry normals, I’m writing for the HSP and trying to make a point – no offense meant).  Do we really want to be normal?   I thought not.  So, let’s understand that our fear of being rolled over by others is much of what holds us back.  Having to deal with the ones who mock us and act as if our very being is an aberration can put a damper on anyone’s spirit, not to mention the highly sensitive one’s.

The Highly Sensitive Person Sometimes qualities that get lumped together as part of introversion or anxiety are more closely related to a concept known in psychology as high sensitivity. Some of the typical characteristics of a highly sensitive person (HSP) include tendencies to: --Process things deeply --Get easily overwhelmed by too many things to do --Get their feelings hurt easily --Be sensitive to other people’s moods --Find negative news very upsetting, even if it’s about people they don’t know well --Find it difficult to hide their true feelings, such as when they lack interest in a topic --Find it difficult to filter out particular types of stimulation, such as being easily irritated by background noise or scratchy textured clothing People who have a lot of these tendencies aren’t necessarily anxious. However, they will often become anxious if they’re forced into environments that overwhelm their capacity to filter excess stimulation.

Who are you? That sense of identity you have as a person: Could be, that’s where you used to get clobbered. Back in the day, didn’t those unskilled empath merges make it hard to find out who, exactly, you were? You, of all people. Developing a Sense of identity means gaining a workable, conscious set of thoughts and feelings about yourself as an individual. What makes you special? Why would people want to get to know you? And who will they meet when they do? Refining your personal sense of identity can help you to feel safe and whole.

BRAVE EMPATH, that is what I will be calling you in this book as I coach you in empath skills. You are brave. Otherwise you wouldn’t have been attracted to this system for helping empaths. Plenty of other books exist to console empaths who feel like victims. It takes uncommon courage to embrace who you are, to pursue skills that can abolish empath-related suffering, and to claim the leadership role that is rightfully yours. Yes, leadership role. Of all the skill sets I teach, Empath Empowerment is my very favorite because that leadership is so important. Granted, before you gain skills as an empath, you may not feel much like a leader at all.

I feel everything, as lightning feels the tip of the Earth when it strikes; or the way that ocean feels a small shell within it: all at once and wrapped around completely. I feel, not in the ways that they feel, but, in the ways that I feel. All at once and wrapped around completely. Lightning and Ocean. This is my heart. What do you think it's like, for the ocean, when men throw rocks into her? Or trash into her? Ocean wraps tons of weight in her heart around even the tiniest rock, or the tiniest bit of trash, while they just stand there. And what do you think it's like for lightning? She breaks open skies because nothing fits inside anymore, while they just stand there naming her 'terrifying' and 'difficult'.

NON-EMPATHS naturally put themselves first. They experience themselves in vivid color, brighter and more interesting than everyone else. Granted, a non-empath will occasionally have an insight, such as “I notice things going on beneath the surface of the conversation.” While an unskilled empath has insights constantly, and to such an extent that it’s like living grayed out—fascinated by everyone else, because even random people appear so much more colorful. Yet a SKILLED EMPATH gets to be in full color, just like everyone else, and going deeper when we choose. Yes, going deeper as a matter of choice. Otherwise we stay on the surface of life, enjoying the very human privilege of personal vividness in living color.

The word “empath” jumped up in my awareness a few years after I had already been in the States. When I first came across it, it felt so woo-woo and new-agey that the “normal” part of me balked at it. It was hard enough to own being a Highly Sensitive Person, words that had research backing them. But this empath thing, this was taking it even a step further. It veered off into ambiguous, questionable territory. In fact, when I had first stumbled across the word online, trying to find a way to understand a part of my sensitivity that being an HSP didn’t quite encapsulate, I hadn’t even thought that it could possibly have anything to do with me. But the more I listened to other people’s stories, the more I followed the breadcrumbs, the more it started feeling that although the words that people used to describe their empath experiences were foreign, what they were talking about was essentially my own experience. It was just that some of these people connected that experience to belief systems I didn’t always resonate with while some others wrapped up the word in explanations that felt like the making up of a false story. But slowly, I could see that at the heart of it, beyond the cloak of words, beyond the different interpretations that people gave, our experiences felt similar. Like these so-called empaths, I often felt flooded with other people’s feelings. Their curiosity, worry and frustration jumped out at me. This often made me feel like I was walking through emotional minefields or collecting new feelings like you would collect scraps of paper. Going back to India after moving to the States, each time, I was stuck by how much all the little daily interactions, packed tightly in one day, which were part of my parents’ Delhi household, affected me energetically. Living in suburban America, I had often found the quiet too much. Then, I had thought nostalgically about India. Weeks could pass here without anyone so much as ringing the bell to our house. But it seemed like I had conveniently forgotten the other side of the story, forgotten how overstimulating Delhi had always been for me. There was, of course, the familiar sensory overload all around -- the continuous honking of horns, the laborers working noisily in the house next door, the continuous ringing of the bell as different people came and went -- the dhobi taking the clothes for ironing, the koodawalla come to pick up the daily trash, the delivery boy delivering groceries from the neighborhood kiraana store. But apart from these interruptions, inconveniences and overstimulations, there was also something more. In Delhi, every day, more lives touched mine in a day than they did in weeks in America. Going back, I could see, clearly for the first time, how much this sensory overload cost me and how much other people’s feelings leaked into mine, so much so that I almost felt them in my body. I could see that the koodawalla, the one I had always liked, the one from some kind of a “lower caste,” had changed in these past few years. He was angry now, unlike the calm resignation, almost acceptance he had carried inside him before. His anger seemed to jump out at me, as if he thought I was part of a whole tribe of people who had kept people like him down for years, who had relegated him to this lower caste, who had only given him the permission to do “dirty,” degrading work, like collecting the trash.

The word “empath” jumped up in my awareness a few years after I had already been in the States. When I first came across it, it felt so woo-woo and new-agey that the “normal” part of me balked at it. It was hard enough to own being a Highly Sensitive Person, words that had research backing them. But this empath thing, this was taking it even a step further. It veered off into ambiguous, questionable territory.  In fact, when I had first stumbled across the word online, trying to find a way to understand a part of my sensitivity that being an HSP didn’t quite encapsulate, I hadn’t even thought that it could possibly have anything to do with me. But the more I listened to other people’s stories, the more I followed the breadcrumbs, the more it started feeling that although the words that people used to describe their empath experiences were foreign, what they were talking about was essentially my own experience. It was just that some of these people connected that experience to belief systems I didn’t always resonate with while some others wrapped up the word in explanations that felt like the making up of a false story. But slowly, I could see that at the heart of it, beyond the cloak of words, beyond the different interpretations that people gave, our experiences felt similar. Like these so-called empaths, I often felt flooded with other people’s feelings. Their curiosity, worry and frustration jumped out at me. This often made me feel like I was walking through emotional minefields or collecting new feelings like you would collect scraps of paper. Going back to India after moving to the States, each time, I was stuck by how much all the little daily interactions, packed tightly in one day, which were part of my parents’ Delhi household, affected me energetically. Living in suburban America, I had often found the quiet too much. Then, I had thought nostalgically about India. Weeks could pass here without anyone so much as ringing the bell to our house. But it seemed like I had conveniently forgotten the other side of the story, forgotten how overstimulating Delhi had always been for me.  There was, of course, the familiar sensory overload all around -- the continuous honking of horns, the laborers working noisily in the house next door, the continuous ringing of the bell as different people came and went -- the dhobi taking the clothes for ironing, the koodawalla come to pick up the daily trash, the delivery boy delivering groceries from the neighborhood kiraana store. But apart from these interruptions, inconveniences and overstimulations, there was also something more. In Delhi, every day, more lives touched mine in a day than they did in weeks in America. Going back, I could see, clearly for the first time, how much this sensory overload cost me and how much other people’s feelings leaked into mine, so much so that I almost felt them in my body. I could see that the koodawalla, the one I had always liked, the one from some kind of a “lower caste,” had changed in these past few years. He was angry now, unlike the calm resignation, almost acceptance he had carried inside him before. His anger seemed to jump out at me, as if he thought I was part of a whole tribe of people who had kept people like him down for years, who had relegated him to this lower caste, who had only given him the permission to do “dirty,” degrading work, like collecting the trash.

Sensitivity among people with ADHD is fascinating, important, and markedly different from that seen in HSP or autism. I think of sensitivity within ADHD as having two parts. First, there is a deep curiosity about and sensitivity to new information and stimuli, an experience not too different from that of a bee driven to discover all available pollen. Second, there is the sensitivity that results from being ADHD, especially if it’s been unknown, where people become sensitive to criticism and being judged. It’s hard to do well at some times and then at other times

To feel intensely is not a symptom of weakness, it is the trademark of the truly alive and compassionate.

HSPs do take in a lot—all the subtleties others miss. But what seems ordinary to others, like loud music or crowds, can be highly stimulating and thus stressful for HSPs. Most people ignore sirens, glaring lights, strange odors, clutter and chaos. HSPs are disturbed by them. Most people’s feet may be tired at the end of a day in a mall or a museum, but they’re ready for more when you suggest an evening party. HSPs need solitude after such a day. They feel jangled, overaroused. Most people walk into a room and perhaps notice the furniture, the people—that’s about it. HSPs can be instantly aware, whether they wish to be or not, of the mood, the friendships and enmities, the freshness or staleness of the air, the personality of the one who arranged the flowers. If you are an HSP, however, it is hard to grasp that you have some remarkable ability. How do you compare inner experiences? Not easily. Mostly you notice that you seem unable to tolerate as much as other people. You forget that you belong to a group that has often demonstrated great creativity, insight, passion, and caring—all highly valued by society. We are a package deal, however. Our trait of sensitivity means we will also be cautious, inward, needing extra time alone. Because people without the trait (the majority) do not understand that, they see us as timid, shy, weak, or that greatest sin of all, unsociable. Fearing these labels, we try to be like others. But that leads to our becoming overaroused and distressed. Then that gets us labeled neurotic or crazy, first by others and then by ourselves.

Ways Your HSP Trait Affects Your Medical Care:  You’re more sensitive to bodily signs and symptoms.  If you don’t lead a life suited to your trait, you’ll develop more stress-related and/or “psychosomatic illnesses.”  You’re more sensitive to medications.  You’re more sensitive to pain.  You’ll be more aroused, usually over-aroused, by medical environments, procedures, examinations, and treatments.  In “health care” environments your deep intuition cannot ignore the shadowy presence of suffering and death, the human condition.  Given all the above, and the fact that most mainstream medical professionals are not HSPs, your relationships with them are usually more problematic. — Elaine Aron, PhD, The Highly Sensitive Person

An EMPATH is someone with at least one significant gift for directly experiencing what it is like to be another person. Many different empath gifts are possible, but the process of developing empath skill is identical whether you were born with one empath gift or many.

Many unskilled empaths interpret their talent negatively, inappropriately calling themselves names like “Over-sensitive,” “Neurotic,” or “Co-dependent.” Ridiculous, Brave Empath! You have a gift. It’s tricky but, with skill, you can purposely use that gift to fly in spirit.

SHADOW: You are overwhelmed by the energy of others, and this can sometimes lead to impulsive reactions. You sometimes feel emotions, seemingly out of the blue, and cannot understand what caused these feelings. NEED: You need time alone to recover or process information at a very deep level. GIFT: You might be an empath or highly sensitive person (HSP). An empath is someone who can feel other people’s feelings with their heightened intuition. An HSP is someone who is acutely aware of external stimuli on a sensory level. Your gift is feeling energy. When you learn how to understand the feelings that come your way from others as powerful messages, you can become an energy alchemist. With practice, instead of absorbing the energy of other people and situations, you can turn intuitions into important messages that bring light within yourself and to others. The ability to recognize and name these emotions is a beginning point for working with spiritual energy toward a place of peace and harmony for all.

When you’re an unskilled empath, other people in the room can seem way more vivid than you. Is it common for you to have one or more of the following experiences while you’re with others? Wondering what it is like to be someone else. Experiencing at depth what it feels like to be that person. Finding problems, pain or fears, in others. No trying! Wishing that things could be better for that other person. Wishing that somehow you could help. Observing someone’s conversation (even if it isn’t yours), you automatically notice what’s going on beneath the surface. When somebody has a negative judgment of you, it may be seem overwhelmingly obvious, no more a secret than if he or she started singing “La Bamba” in a very loud voice. You might even slide into acting differently, more like the way you’re expected to act. Come to think of it, you may define yourself in that room much as a bat would. Why? You’re doing a human version of echolocation. Depending on how you sound to others, that’s how you find yourself.

Freedom guides our actions in powerful ways. I hadn't been so much under the external control of other people as my own rigid belief system. The one that told me to conform to a set of rules. I hadn't even thought through and honestly considered whether it was a good choice or not.

I palpated her broken heart. It beat within me. Slow and hobbled. Her begging heart wanted healing. Her begging eyes would not let me go.

In The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine N. Aron, PhD, writes that finding the right vocation for the HSP is the hottest topic in her seminars. This makes perfect sense since a large group of chronic pain sufferers are either unemployed, working part time, hate their jobs, or have recently been forced to leave their jobs, or retired. They don’t know how to move forward—in career-coma—feeling unproductive and empty. Aron explains that HSPs “don’t thrive on long hours, stress, and overstimulating work environments.” Their difficulty in finding a satisfying endeavor stems from “their not appreciating their role, style, and potential contribution.” These people are often gifted artists or writers, teachers, consultants, counselors—people of great intuitive talents stuck in mundane and externally draining environments. They only find true satisfaction when matched with the right career—only truly happy when they are “liberated” from the first half of their lives and finally begin listening to their own voices. Aron continues, “Being so eager to please, we’re not easy to liberate. We’re too aware of what others need…. Often their intuition gives them a clearer picture of what needs to be done. Thus, many HSPs choose vocations of service.

What this difference in arousability means is that you notice levels of stimulation that go unobserved by others. This is true whether we are talking about subtle sounds, sights, or physical sensations like pain. It is not that your hearing, vision, or other senses are more acute (plenty of HSPs wear glasses). The difference seems to lie somewhere on the way to the brain or in the brain, in a more careful processing of information. We reflect more on everything. And we sort things into finer distinctions. Like those machines that grade fruit by size—we sort into ten sizes while others sort into two or three. This greater awareness of the subtle tends to make you more intuitive, which simply means picking up and working through information in a semiconscious or unconscious way. The result is that you often “just know” without realizing how. Furthermore, this deeper processing of subtle details causes you to consider the past or future more. You “just know” how things got to be the way they are or how they are going to turn out. This is that “sixth sense” people talk about. It can be wrong, of course, just as your eyes and ears can be wrong, but your intuition is right often enough that HSPs tend to be visionaries, highly intuitive artists, or inventors, as well as more conscientious, cautious, and wise people. The downside of the trait shows up at more intense levels of stimulation. What is moderately arousing for most people is highly arousing for HSPs. What is highly arousing for most people causes an HSP to become very frazzled indeed, until they reach a shutdown point called “transmarginal inhibition.” Transmarginal inhibition was first discussed around the turn of the century by the Russian physiologist Ivan Pavlov, who was convinced that the most basic inherited difference among people was how soon they reach this shutdown point and that the quick-to-shut-down have a fundamentally different type of nervous system. No one likes being overaroused, HSP or not. A person feels out of control, and the whole body warns that it is in trouble. Overarousal often means failing to perform at one’s best. Of course, it can also mean danger. An extra dread of overarousal may even be built into all of us. Since a newborn cannot run or fight or even recognize danger, it is best if it howls at anything new, anything arousing at all, so that grown-ups can come and rescue it. Like the fire department, we HSPs mostly respond to false alarms. But if our sensitivity saves a life even once, it is a trait that has a genetic payoff. So, yes, when our trait leads to overarousal, it is a nuisance. But it is part of a package deal with many advantages.

Stimulation is anything that wakes up the nervous system, gets its attention, makes the nerves fire off another round of the little electrical charges that they carry. We usually think of stimulation as coming from outside, but of course it can come from our body (such as pain, muscle tension, hunger, thirst, or sexual feelings) or as memories, fantasies, thoughts, or plans. Stimulation can vary in intensity (like the loudness of a noise) or in duration. It can be more stimulating because it is novel, as when one is startled by a honk or shout, or in its complexity, as when one is at a party and hearing four conversations at once plus music. Often we can get used to stimulation. But sometimes we think we have and aren’t being bothered, but suddenly feel exhausted and realize why: We have been putting up with something at a conscious level while it was actually wearing us down. Even a moderate and familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need quiet by evening. At that point, one more “small” stimulation can be the last straw.

But compared to non-HSPs, most of us are: • Better at spotting errors and avoiding making errors. • Highly conscientious. • Able to concentrate deeply. (But we do best without distractions.) • Especially good at tasks requiring vigilance, accuracy, speed, and the detection of minor differences. • Able to process material to deeper levels of what psychologists call “semantic memory.” • Often thinking about our own thinking. • Able to learn without being aware we have learned. • Deeply affected by other people’s moods and emotions. Of course, there are many exceptions, especially to our being conscientious. And we don’t want to be self-righteous about this; plenty of harm can be done in the name of trying to do good. Indeed, all of these fruits have their bruised spots. We are so skilled, but alas, when being watched, timed, or evaluated, we often cannot display our competence. Our deeper processing may make it seem that at first we are not catching on, but with time we understand and remember more than others. This may be why HSPs learn languages better (although arousal may make one less fluent than others when speaking). By the way, thinking more than others about our own thoughts is not self-centeredness. It means that if asked what’s on our mind, we are less likely to mention being aware of the world around us, and more likely to mention our inner reflections or musings. But we are no less likely to mention thinking about other people. Our bodies are different too. Most of us have nervous systems that make us: • Specialists in fine motor movements. • Good at holding still. • “Morning people.” (Here there are many exceptions.) • More affected by stimulants like caffeine unless we are very used to them. • More “right-brained” (less linear, more creative in a synthesizing way). • More sensitive to things in the air. (Yes, that means more hay fever and skin rashes.) Overall, again, our nervous systems seem designed to react to subtle experiences, which also makes us slower to recover when we must react to intense stimuli. But HSPs are not in a more aroused state all the time. We are not “chronically aroused” in day-to-day life or when asleep. We are just more aroused by new or prolonged stimulation. (Being an HSP is not the same as being “neurotic”—that is, constantly anxious for no apparent reason).

The child may be a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) or have a challenging health condition. While disorganized attachment is often associated with parental abuse and neglect, this isn’t always the case. Certain traits or experiences specific to the child can also prompt a disorganized experience. Approximately 15 to 20 percent of the population has a nervous system wired to be more sensitive. These people are more attuned to the subtleties of their environment and process that information much more deeply compared to others without this trait.28 While being more observant might be a survival advantage, it can also be overwhelming. Someone who is constantly aware of the subtleties of the environment and of the people around them can quickly experience sensory overload. My clients who consider themselves to be HSPs often report experiencing a certain type of disorganized attachment because the world itself is too much. Due to their increased sensitivity, even normal everyday events can feel too intense, too chaotic or too stimulating, leaving little respite to feel settled, safe and secure. In relationships, HSPs are often unclear as to whether what they are feeling has its origin in themselves or if their partner’s feelings are creating that “one foot on the gas, one foot on the brake” experience in their nervous system. They want to be close to people, but being close can be a sensory assault that is confusing or that dysregulates them for days.

The first published studies my husband and I did generated the self-test you have in this book and a slightly different version especially for research, called the Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) Scale. This research was also intended to demonstrate that high sensitivity is not the same as introversion or “neuroticism” (professional jargon for a tendency to be depressed or excessively anxious).

Further, although the measure suggests that the trait has some similarities and associations with introversion or neuroticism, after considering these and a number of other personality variables, the results of many studies lead to the conclusion that these other measures of personality explain no more than one third of the “variance” on the HSP Scale. How you score on it is not very affected by how you might score on other personality tests. That is, knowing about your sensitivity makes a unique contribution to knowing about you.

In short, high sensitivity, or responsivity, as these biologists also called it, involves paying more attention to details than others do, then using that knowledge to make better predictions in the future. Sometimes you are better off doing so; other times it is a waste of energy or worse. What if events now have nothing to do with your past experiences? Suppose you are at the horse races and the first two races are won by horses with jockeys wearing red silks. Of course you are one of the few to notice. Would you bet on red silks in the third race or, if that fails, do it in the fourth? Your subtle red-silk strategy could be a costly mistake. Further, when a past experience was very bad, an HSP can overgeneralize and avoid or feel anxious in too many situations, just because the new ones resemble in some small way the past bad one. The biggest cost to us of being highly sensitive, however, is that our nervous systems can only take in so much. Everyone has a limit as to how much information or stimulation can be absorbed before one becomes overloaded, overstimulated, over-aroused, overwhelmed, and just over! We simply reach that point sooner than others.

Stress and tension tend to affect how susceptible you are. If you’re calm, relaxed, and grounded, it’s much easier to manage your sensitivity.

I always advise HS men to consider starting their business as a side business that they can build while remaining employed.  The side “gig” as it now seems to be called, is a great way to make the current situation more bearable, at least for a while, and possibly provide new and needed stimulation.  If you are also a high sensation seeker as well as an HSP, the need for novelty and new experiences is likely to be undeniable. “One of the huge mistakes people make is that they try to force an interest on themselves. You don’t choose your passions; your passions choose you.” -Jeff Bezos, Amazon founder

While the life of the artistic hero-adventurer especially calls to the young HSP, it can also be a trap quite unconsciously laid by those with mundane lives who allow no time for the artist within, and want someone else to be the artist for them, displaying all the craziness they repress in themselves.

Just be careful about accepting labels for yourself, such as “inhibited,” “introverted,” or “shy.” As we move on, you’ll understand why each of these mislabels you. In general, they miss the essence of the trait and give it a negative tone. For example, research has found that most people, quite wrongly, associate introversion with poor mental health. When HSPs identify with these labels, their confidence drops lower

Perhaps with a very negative childhood, an HSP is prepared to live in a very negative world, among other people who are stressed by it.

Often we can get used to stimulation. But sometimes we think we have and aren’t being bothered, but suddenly feel exhausted and realize why: We have been putting up with something at a conscious level while it was actually wearing us down. Even a moderate and familiar stimulation, like a day at work, can cause an HSP to need quiet by evening. At that point, one more “small” stimulation can be the last straw.

The word “empath” jumped up in my awareness a few years after I had already been in the States. When I first came across it, it felt so woo-woo and new-agey that the “normal” part of me balked at it. It was hard enough to own being a Highly Sensitive Person, words that had research backing them. But this empath thing, this was taking it even a step further. It veered off into ambiguous, questionable territory. In fact, when I had first stumbled across the word online, trying to find a way to understand a part of my sensitivity that being an HSP didn’t quite encapsulate, I hadn’t even thought that it could possibly have anything to do with me. But the more I listened to other people’s stories, the more I followed the breadcrumbs, the more it started feeling that although the words that people used to describe their empath experiences were foreign, what they were talking about was essentially my own experience. It was just that some of these people connected that experience to belief systems I didn’t always resonate with while some others wrapped up the word in explanations that felt like the making up of a false story. But slowly, I could see that at the heart of it, beyond the cloak of words, beyond the different interpretations that people gave, our experiences felt similar. Like these so-called empaths, I often felt flooded with other people’s feelings. Their curiosity, worry and frustration jumped out at me. This often made me feel like I was walking through emotional minefields or collecting new feelings like you would collect scraps of paper. Going back to India after moving to the States, each time, I was stuck by how much all the little daily interactions, packed tightly in one day, which were part of my parents’ Delhi household, affected me energetically. Living in suburban America, I had often found the quiet too much. Then, I had thought nostalgically about India. Weeks could pass here without anyone so much as ringing the bell to our house. But it seemed like I had conveniently forgotten the other side of the story, forgotten how overstimulating Delhi had always been for me. There was, of course, the familiar sensory overload all around -- the continuous honking of horns, the laborers working noisily in the house next door, the continuous ringing of the bell as different people came and went -- the dhobi taking the clothes for ironing, the koodawalla come to pick up the daily trash, the delivery boy delivering groceries from the neighborhood kiraana store. But apart from these interruptions, inconveniences and overstimulations, there was also something more. In Delhi, every day, more lives touched mine in a day than they did in weeks in America. Going back, I could see, clearly for the first time, how much this sensory overload cost me and how much other people’s feelings leaked into mine, so much so that I almost felt them in my body. I could see that the koodawalla, the one I had always liked, the one from some kind of a “lower caste,” had changed in these past few years. He was angry now, unlike the calm resignation, almost acceptance he had carried inside him before. His anger seemed to jump out at me, as if he thought I was part of a whole tribe of people who had kept people like him down for years, who had relegated him to this lower caste, who had only given him the permission to do “dirty,” degrading work, like collecting the trash.

The word “empath” jumped up in my awareness a few years after I had already been in the States. When I first came across it, it felt so woo-woo and new-agey that the “normal” part of me balked at it. It was hard enough to own being a Highly Sensitive Person, words that had research backing them. But this empath thing, this was taking it even a step further. It veered off into ambiguous, questionable territory. In fact, when I had first stumbled across the word online, trying to find a way to understand a part of my sensitivity that being an HSP didn’t quite encapsulate, I hadn’t even thought that it could possibly have anything to do with me. But the more I listened to other people’s stories, the more I followed the breadcrumbs, the more it started feeling that although the words that people used to describe their empath experiences were foreign, what they were talking about was essentially my own experience. It was just that some of these people connected that experience to belief systems I didn’t always resonate with while some others wrapped up the word in explanations that felt like the making up of a false story. But slowly, I could see that at the heart of it, beyond the cloak of words, beyond the different interpretations that people gave, our experiences felt similar. Like these so-called empaths, I often felt flooded with other people’s feelings. Their curiosity, worry and frustration jumped out at me. This often made me feel like I was walking through emotional minefields or collecting new feelings like you would collect scraps of paper. Going back to India after moving to the States, each time, I was stuck by how much all the little daily interactions, packed tightly in one day, which were part of my parents’ Delhi household, affected me energetically. Living in suburban America, I had often found the quiet too much. Then, I had thought nostalgically about India. Weeks could pass here without anyone so much as ringing the bell to our house. But it seemed like I had conveniently forgotten the other side of the story, forgotten how overstimulating Delhi had always been for me. There was, of course, the familiar sensory overload all around -- the continuous honking of horns, the laborers working noisily in the house next door, the continuous ringing of the bell as different people came and went -- the dhobi taking the clothes for ironing, the koodawalla come to pick up the daily trash, the delivery boy delivering groceries from the neighborhood kiraana store. But apart from these interruptions, inconveniences and overstimulations, there was also something more. In Delhi, every day, more lives touched mine in a day than they did in weeks in America. Going back, I could see, clearly for the first time, how much this sensory overload cost me and how much other people’s feelings leaked into mine, so much so that I almost felt them in my body. I could see that the koodawalla, the one I had always liked, the one from some kind of a “lower caste,” had changed in these past few years. He was angry now, unlike the calm resignation, almost acceptance he had carried inside him before. His anger seemed to jump out at me, as if he thought I was part of a whole tribe of people who had kept people like him down for years, who had relegated him to this lower caste, who had only given him the permission to do “dirty,” degrading work, like collecting the trash.

The word “empath” jumped up in my awareness a few years after I had already been in the States. When I first came across it, it felt so woo-woo and new-agey that the “normal” part of me balked at it. It was hard enough to own being a Highly Sensitive Person, words that had research backing them. But this empath thing, this was taking it even a step further. It veered off into ambiguous, questionable territory. In fact, when I had first stumbled across the word online, trying to find a way to understand a part of my sensitivity that being an HSP didn’t quite encapsulate, I hadn’t even thought that it could possibly have anything to do with me. But the more I listened to other people’s stories, the more I followed the breadcrumbs, the more it started feeling that although the words that people used to describe their empath experiences were foreign, what they were talking about was essentially my own experience. It was just that some of these people connected that experience to belief systems I didn’t always resonate with while some others wrapped up the word in explanations that felt like the making up of a false story. But slowly, I could see that at the heart of it, beyond the cloak of words, beyond the different interpretations that people gave, our experiences felt similar. Like these so-called empaths, I often felt flooded with other people’s feelings. Their curiosity, worry and frustration jumped out at me. This often made me feel like I was walking through emotional minefields or collecting new feelings like you would collect scraps of paper. Going back to India after moving to the States, each time, I was stuck by how much all the little daily interactions, packed tightly in one day, which were part of my parents’ Delhi household, affected me energetically. Living in suburban America, I had often found the quiet too much. Then, I had thought nostalgically about India. Weeks could pass here without anyone so much as ringing the bell to our house. But it seemed like I had conveniently forgotten the other side of the story, forgotten how overstimulating Delhi had always been for me. There was, of course, the familiar sensory overload all around -- the continuous honking of horns, the laborers working noisily in the house next door, the continuous ringing of the bell as different people came and went -- the dhobi taking the clothes for ironing, the koodawalla come to pick up the daily trash, the delivery boy delivering groceries from the neighborhood kiraana store. But apart from these interruptions, inconveniences and overstimulations, there was also something more. In Delhi, every day, more lives touched mine in a day than they did in weeks in America. Going back, I could see, clearly for the first time, how much this sensory overload cost me and how much other people’s feelings leaked into mine, so much so that I almost felt them in my body. I could see that the koodawalla, the one I had always liked, the one from some kind of a “lower caste,” had changed in these past few years. He was angry now, unlike the calm resignation, almost acceptance he had carried inside him before. His anger seemed to jump out at me, as if he thought I was part of a whole tribe of people who had kept people like him down for years, who had relegated him to this lower caste, who had only given him the permission to do “dirty,” degrading work, like collecting the trash.

It's a gift to let other people be themselves. Let them face their own difficulties.

There is the documentary Sensitive: The Untold Story and the feature film, Sensitive and in Love. There have been twice-a-year HSP Gathering Retreats, frequent international research conferences, and numerous seminars and webinars for the public on the subject in the U.S. and Europe, plus YouTube videos, books, magazines, newsletters, and websites, and all sorts of services exclusively for highly sensitive persons—most good and some, well, not as good.

Then there was the HSP whose earliest memory was of being the imaginary “dough” in a family-reunion skit of “patty-cake, patty-cake.” In spite of crying and pleading with her parents, this two-year-old was passed in a circle from stranger to stranger. Reliving the long-repressed feelings that went with this memory, she realized that it (and other situations she had probably repressed completely) left her with a sense of helpless terror about being picked up, about being controlled physically in any way, and about her parents not protecting her.

many HSPs have Seasonal Affective Disorder. This does not mean every HSP; it is just a bit more common in us.

When you understand that there are people that can hear, feel, and interpret your thoughts, one becomes very aware of the mind chatter.

An Introduction to Being an HSP “I can’t take the stress at work anymore. My coworker at the next desk talks all day long in a loud, abrasive voice, and my boss keeps demanding that I meet his rigid deadlines. I leave work every day feeling drained, and jittery, with my stomach tied up in knots.” “Everyone in my family is always running around trying some new adventure while I like to stay home. I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I usually don’t like to go out after work or on weekends.

An HSP who allows themself to be carried away on a tide of their own emotions or gets bogged down in other people’s feelings will soon become miserable.

built up over four decades of ‘real socialism’. In this part of the continent they claim their filiation with the dictatorships of the 1930s, like Jobbik in Hungary, which has taken up the legacy of the ‘arrowed cross’ and cultivates the memory of Admiral Horthy; they exhume an old revanchist and expansionist mythology, as with the Greater Romania Party or the Croat Party of the Right (HSP), which continues the Ustachi movement of Ante Pavelic. In western Europe, however, fascism is practically non-existent as an organized political force, at least in those countries that were its historic birthplace. In