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Emily and I are lying out on towels. She is so thin, I can make out every rib, the sternum, the knobby bulges of her shoulders. Her hair is golden and thick, though, which is how I know I’m dreaming. It was so brittle toward the end. I want to lie here even though I’m not sure if beside me Emily is alive or dead. When a coyote is hit on Pacific Coast Highway, the carcass will decay for weeks until all that’s left is bones and fur. I can wait, I’m willing to wait. The sun is warm, and maybe if we lie here long enough the tide will rise and the current will drag us out, maybe the sea will accept us back into it. My phone vibrates and drops onto the floor, waking me. I’ve fallen asleep in my clothes. It’s not yet eleven. I have a voice mail from Guy. It’s startling to hear his voice, casual and familiar, telling me that Mom is doing well, the production too. He doesn’t ask me to call, but I don’t want to be alone, thinking of that hideous death. How could I have known it would be quick? Paul had only called a few weeks earlier to say Emily was coming home from the hospital, that hospice had been arranged. I brought a tuna casserole, without peas, which was how Emily liked it when she was little. But she was already in a drug-induced sleep by then. Paul and the caregivers administering liquid morphine every two hours. So thin, I remember saying to Paul, who looked at me bewildered. She’s been thin for months, he said. They asked if I wanted to rub lotion into her hands, put a warm washcloth on her face. She knows you’re here, someone said. I did not want to see her die. I did not want to touch her body. Downstairs I microwaved the casserole and sat and ate it with Hannah while we watched cartoons. Guy doesn’t answer the first time, so I call again. A third time. “Pricilla, what time is it there?” I can hear car horns; a radio being turned down. I imagine he’s on a freeway stuck in traffic and I feel a twinge of homesickness. “Not that late.” I open the bedroom window.
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