Homer Simpson Quotes

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try.' Homer Simpson

I didn't lie, I was writing fiction with my mouth." Homer Simpson

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on." Homer Simpson

I promise I'll do anything for you, especialy if it's easy. Homer Simpson

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman. Homer Simpson

This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!" Homer Simpson

Trying is the first step towards failure

When will people learn? Democracy doesn't work!" (Homer Simpson)

Stop thinking about fun and have it” Homer Simpson

[Ned Flanders]: Well looks like someone's having a pre-rapture party. [Homer Simpson]: No, Flanders. Its a meeting of gay witches for abortion, you wouldn't be interested.

Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.

Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! - Homer Simpson

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

I'm not popular enough to be different

It’s easier to put off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and drown the upcoming months and years in today’s cheap pleasures. As the infamous father of the Simpson clan puts it, immediately prior to downing a jar of mayonnaise and vodka, “That’s a problem for Future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy!”66

Batman's a scientist.

I'd be vegetarian if bacon grew on trees

Well you know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.

I'm nothing but envious that you've been happily married for two years. Try hauling your cookies on a new blind date every Friday, only to have your, already extremely low, expectations dashed as you meet men who look like Quasimodo and have Homer Simpson's IQ. 

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Trying is the first step towards failure". - Homer Simpson

If you pray to the wrong god, you might just make the right one madder and madder.

A person’s life persuades better than his word,” said one of Aristotle’s contemporaries.

Corgan: ...Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins. Homer: Homer Simpson, smiling politely. You know, my kids think you're the greatest. And thanks to your gloomy music, they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

You see, Marriage is like a Coffin, and each Kid is another Nail.

There’s three ways to do things. The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way! “Isn’t that the wrong way?” “Yeah, but faster.

He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.

It was on this trip that Faye acquired a new suitor by the name of Homer Simpson.

I was as good as resisting Griff Shipley as Homer Simpson was at resisting a donut.

Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

When you want to change someone’s mood, tell a story.

THE UNANNOUNCED EMOTION: Don’t advertise a mood. Invoke it

Well, excuse me for having enormous flaws I don't work on.

I don't eat anything new unless I've eaten it before

A bully wants you to cower or blush or run away in embarrassment. If you want to reverse the power, try pretending deep affection with just a little bit of pity.

It has become commonplace to conclude that humans are simply irrational—more Homer Simpson than Mr. Spock, more Alfred E. Neuman than John von Neumann. And, the cynics continue, what else would you expect from descendants of hunter-gatherers whose minds were selected to avoid becoming lunch for leopards?

Don’t push back. Keep asking questions. Insist on drilling down to definitions (“Define Star Trek”), details, and sources. And see if you can outlast your bullying opponent. If you can—if he walks away exasperated—then, despite all I’ve written about previously…you win.

I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.

Rhetoric is the art of influence, friendship, and eloquence, of ready wit and irrefutable logic. And it harnesses the most powerful of social forces, argument.

Trying is the first step to failure.

Kids, just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I’m not listening.

If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers! —Homer Simpson

As Homer Simpson said to Marge when she warned him that he would regret his conduct, “That’s a problem for future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy.

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder. -Homer Simpson

Suppose we've chosen the wrong god. Every time we go to church we're just making him madder and madder. -Homer Simpson

The study of the human mind has so far assumed that Homo sapiens is Homer Simpson.

Hugo diagnosed oesophageal varices, which made sense as the patient was the colour of Homer Simpson - from the early series, when the contrast was much more extreme and everyone looked like a cave painting. 

In an episode of The Simpsons, Homer tells the queen: “I know we don’t call as often as we should, and we aren’t as well behaved as our goody-two-shoes brother Canada. Who by the way has never had a girlfriend. I’m just saying.

First, we try to “download” the right definitions, doctrines, and beliefs into the brains of people who don’t know the apostle Peter from Homer Simpson. By doing that, we communicate that having the right thoughts is the means of salvation. We’re telling them that it’s the stuff that happens between their ears that matters. When we focus on ideology, we’re not touching thirsty hearts. Thirsty people don’t want to memorize theology any more than they want to learn a new language.

The popularity of perpetual motion machines is widespread. On an episode of The Simpsons, entitled “The PTA Disbands,” Lisa builds her own perpetual motion machine during a teachers’ strike. This prompts Homer to declare sternly, “Lisa, get in here…in this house we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

If we can learn to embrace the Homer Simpson within us, with all our flaws and inabilities, and take these into account when we design our schools, health plans, stock markets, and everything else in our environment, I am certain that we can create a much better world. This is the real promise of behavioral economics.

Trying is the first step to failure" - Homer (Simpson)

Why Dose Evrey Thing I Whip Run Away

A ghost terrorizing my children is one thing; ...it's another thing entirely when he starts playing my Theremin

CONCESSION: Concede your opponent’s point in order to win what you want.

Lisa: I pick up books like you pick up beers! Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff… and I want in..

Why do things that only happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

I can’t believe it! Reading and writing actually paid off.

You tried and you failed miserably lesson is never try

That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough! I'm going to clown college.

All hobbies suck, but if you keep at it, you might find at the end that you’ve managed to kill some precious time.

John F. Kennedy deployed a chiasmus during his inaugural address—“Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country”—and thousands joined the Peace Corps.

Simultaneously, scientists have studied the mental states of people considered to be healthy and normative. However, most relevant researches have been conducted on people from Western, educated, industrialised, rich and democratic (WEIRD) societies, who do not constitute a representative sample of humanity. The study of the human mind has so far assumed that Homo sapiens is Homer Simpson. A

It’s a form of amplification, an essential rhetorical tactic that turns up the volume as you speak. In a presentation, you can amplify by layering your points: “Not only do we have this, but we also

Vice is easy. Failure is easy, too. It’s easier not to shoulder a burden. It’s easier not to think, and not to do, and not to care. It’s easier to put off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and drown the upcoming months and years in today’s cheap pleasures. As the infamous father of the Simpson clan puts it, immediately prior to downing a jar of mayonnaise and vodka, “That’s a problem for Future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy!

... The Sirens of Titan …. … ‘That’s a funny name for a book,’ I said with a gulp. ‘Are those women going to get arrested?’ Mr Peterson didn’t know what the hell I was talking about. ‘They’re not wearing many clothes,’ I pointed out. ‘What’s your point?’ he asked. ‘So I thought maybe the sirens might be for them.’ Mr Peterson frowned. ‘ I think the police are allowed to arrest you for wearing too few clothes,’ I explained. Comprehension dawned on Mr Peterson’s face. ‘No, kid. Not sirens as in police sirens. Sirens as in Homer.’ I frowned. ‘Simpson?’ ‘The Odyssey!’ I looked at him blankly. At some point in the last thirty seconds, we’d stopped speaking the same language. Mr Peterson sighed and rubbed his wrinkled forehead. ‘The Odyssey’s a very old Greek story by a very old Greek man called Homer. And in The Odyssey there are these very beautiful women called sirens …… ‘oh’, I said. ‘So the women are the sirens? And that’s why they’re not wearing very many clothes?” ‘Right. Except in Kurt Vonnegut’s book the Sirens don’t live in the Mediterranean. They live on Titan, which is one of Saturn’s moons.’ ‘Yes, I know that,’ I said. (I didn’t want Mr Peterson to think I was an idiot). ‘It’s the second largest moon in the solar system, after Ganymede, Jupiter’s largest moon. It’s actually larger than Mercury, though not nearly so dense.’ Mr Peter frowned again and shook his head. ‘I guess these days school puts a big emphasis on sciences instead of the arts, huh?’ ‘No, not really. School puts a big emphasis on exam questions. Do sirens breathe methane?

When someone tries to derail an argument with an insult, your response depends on who the audience is. If the two of you are alone, say something like, “This isn’t recess. I’m out of here,” and walk away. You’re not about to persuade the jerk. But if there are bystanders, ridicule the insult. “So Bob’s answer to the problem of noise in this town is that I’m a jerk. Was that helpful to you all?” You turn sophistry into genuine banter.

Vice is easy. Failure is easy, too. It’s easier not to shoulder a burden. It’s easier not to think, and not to do, and not to care. It’s easier to put off until tomorrow what needs to be done today, and drown the upcoming months and years in today’s cheap pleasures. As the infamous father of the Simpson clan puts it, immediately prior to downing a jar of mayonnaise and vodka, “That’s a problem for Future Homer. Man, I don’t envy that guy!”66

Self-control problems can be illuminated by thinking about an individual as containing two semiautonomous selves, a far-sighted “Planner” and a myopic “Doer.” You can think of the Planner as speaking for your Reflective System, or the Mr. Spock lurking within you, and the Doer as heavily influenced by the Automatic System, or everyone’s Homer Simpson. The Planner is trying to promote your long-term welfare but must cope with the feelings, mischief, and strong will of the Doer, who is exposed to the temptations that come with arousal. Recent research in neuroeconomics (yes, there really is such a field) has found evidence consistent with this two-system conception of self-control. Some parts of the brain get tempted, and other parts are prepared to enable us to resist temptation by assessing how we should react to the temptation.1 Sometimes the two parts of the brain can be in severe conflict—a kind of battle that one or the other is bound to lose.

If life were free of contingencies, then we could live by a few rules written in stone that would apply to all our decisions. Every baby would come with an operating manual, the same guide that worked for her older brother. Every rule of thumb would apply to every situation. The early bird would always catch the worm, everything would be cheaper by the dozen, and the world would come in two colors: black and white. But alas, it doesn’t. Sometimes, under some circumstances (say, jumping out of an airplane for the first time), it’s a very bad idea to look before you leap. Sometimes the enemy of your enemy makes a terrible friend. Girl

Persuasion Alert Self-deprecating humor is an acceptable way to brag. Mentioning a moment of boneheadedness at my former company beats the far more obnoxious “I was a high-level manager at a publishing company that had twenty-three million customers the year I left.” The term du jour for this device: humblebrag. So I’m a lousy prognosticator of bestsellers. In retrospect, however, I can explain why the title was not such a bad idea after all. “South Beach” conjures an image of people—you—in bathing attire. It says vacation, one of the chief reasons people go on a diet. The Rodale editors stimulated an emotion by making readers picture a desirable and highly personal goal: you, in a bathing suit, looking great. So

He has translated Virgil’s Aeneid . . . the whole of Sallust and Tacitus’ Agricola . . . a great part of Horace, some of Ovid, and some of Caesar’s Commentaries . . . besides Tully’s [Cicero’s] Orations. . . . In Greek his progress has not been equal; yet he has studied morsels of Aristotle’s Politics, in Plutarch’s Lives, and Lucian’s Dialogues, The Choice of Hercules in Xenophon, and lately he has gone through several books in Homer’s Iliad. In mathematics I hope he will pass muster. In the course of the last year . . . I have spent my evenings with him. We went with some accuracy through the geometry in the Preceptor, the eight books of Simpson’s Euclid in Latin. . . . We went through plane geometry . . . algebra, and the decimal fractions, arithmetical and geometrical proportions. . . . I then attempted a sublime flight and endeavored to give him some idea of the differential method of calculations . . . [and] Sir Isaac Newton; but alas, it is thirty years since I thought of mathematics.

Daniel Webster picked up rhetoric at Dartmouth by joining a debating society, the United Fraternity, which had an impressive classical library and held weekly debates. Years later, the club changed its name to Alpha Delta and partied its way to immortality by inspiring the movie Animal House. To the brothers’ credit, they didn’t forget their classical heritage entirely; hence the toga party.

Looking down on him, I could see a pink shine on top of his head with the dark hair pulled across it. Not a full Homer Simpson like Creaky’s, just a little beginner’s hamburger helper up there. But do you trust a guy that cheats on his own head? Aunt June was bottom-feeding.

The argument which is made by a man’s life is of more weight than that which is furnished by words. —ISOCRATES

Lisa: Well, where's my Dad? Professor Frink: Well, that should be obvious to even the most dimwitted individual who holds an advanced degree in hyperbolic topology that Homer Simpson has stumbled into...the third dimension.

When being bullied or heckled, refuse to show the emotion the bully wants. Gain the audience’s sympathy by trying to look calm and above it all.

Reframing entails refusing to accept the opponent’s definition of what the issue is about, and then substituting your own. You define the issue in your terms.

I resist stoically. No cat is going to boss me around this morning.

You’ll mold the minds of men and women to your will, and make any group yield to the dominion of your voice. Even more important, you’ll get them to want to yield, to commit to your plan, and to consider the result a consensus.

Seduction is manipulation, manipulation is half of argument, and therefore many of us shy from it. But seduction offers more than just consensual sex. It can bring you consensus. Even Aristotle, that logical old soul, believed in the curative powers of seduction. Logic alone will rarely get people to do anything. They have to desire the act. You may not like seduction’s manipulative aspects; still, it beats fighting, which is what we usually mistake for an argument.

The basic difference between an argument and a fight: an argument, done skillfully, gets people to want to do what you want. You fight to win; you argue to achieve agreement.

While the rest of the world fights, we’ll argue. And argument gets you what you want more than fighting does.

if the two of you are alone, walk away. If you have an audience, consider throwing the fallacy back at your opponent. “I see. Purple is a fruit. So, since your skin is tan, that makes you a pair of khakis.

Step aside everyone! Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.

Operator! Give the number for 911!

These cues can take many forms. Here are some examples keyed to particular problem situations: ✓ A sign you put on the margin of your computer monitor or on your desk within your visual field reminding you not to start surfing the web instead of doing your work. Or try a picture of your boss on which you have printed “Get to Work!” Or, do as Homer Simpson did in one memorable episode when he displayed a picture of his young daughter, Lisa, with the statement “Do it for her!” beneath it.

In the States, the best ones I've ever eaten were at Bedford Street Bakery, in Brooklyn." "I heard the pastry chef at Qui raving about that place. The woman who runs it is Kiwi, right?" "Yeah. She bakes these beautiful seasonal pastries. I was there around this time four years ago, and there was one with apricots, crème pâtissière, and toasted almonds, and it was just gorgeous." Her shoulders dropped, and her mouth went slack remembering the pleasure. I pressed myself back into the hard bench to hold off the wave of horniness that crashed over me. Jesus, Kieran, get a grip. "That was a quality Homer Simpson drooling noise," I said. Jokes were safe. Jokes meant I wasn't turned on.

Homer Simpson cover on it. It had a little hole in it right where Homer’s zip was in his jeans. It looked really funny because when I sat in it all the beans came flying out and it looked like he was peeing little white balls.               I

In The Federalist, Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and John Jay not only wrote anonymous letters in favor of the proposed new Constitution; they were so eager to disguise their “interest” that they pretended they had never attended the Convention in the first place. Hamilton and colleagues would have wondered at our preference for billionaires; the founders considered rich people the most “interested” of all. Eighteenth-century leaders were extremely anxious to show their disinterest; a number of them even gave away their fortunes and bankrupted themselves. (Boy, did they ever care.) This passion for disinterest continued through the early nineteenth century, when politicians clamored to claim an impoverished childhood in a log cabin. The up-by-the-bootstraps story showed a man’s ability to make it on his own, beholden to no one.

Craft does not entail looking up decisions in books, or sticking to universal truths. It’s an instinct for making the right decision on every occasion. Pure eggheads lack it. When we think of the Apollo space program, we rarely picture the rocket scientists. We remember a failed mission, Apollo 13, when three guys jury-rigged their spaceship and got back to earth alive. They were among the most highly trained people ever to leave the ground, but they had little training in the repair of carbon dioxide scrubbers. Still, they were able to combine instructions from the ground with their skill as first-class tinkerers. That’s craft: flexibly wise leadership. All great leaders have it.

Since it would take a few minutes to set up, Myron took some unnecessary turns. Two minutes later, Myron took the right on Pleasant Valley Way. Up ahead, he saw Zorra standing by the pizzeria. She wore her ’30s blond wig and smoked a cigarette in a holder and looked just like Veronica Lake after a real bad bender, if Veronica Lake was six feet tall and had a Homer Simpson five o’clock shadow and was really, really ugly. Zorra

Extremists usually describe the middle course as extreme.

NEWSFLASH Lisa, Bart is not a horse!" —Homer Simpson

I'm not like other men. That's why you buy my pants at that special store.

Unfortunately, most of us end up with somebody who’s somewhere between Jed Clampett and Homer Simpson.

The person who lived an entirely private life, Aristotle said, was either a beast or a god.