Groucho Marx Quotes

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

From the moment I picked up your book until I put it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Humor is reason gone mad.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Time wounds all heels.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Room service? Send up a larger room." [A Night at the Opera]

I’ll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

Was that you or the duck?

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Hello, I must be going.

If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Any place I hang my head is home.

All geniuses die young.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

The world would not be in such a snarl, had Marx been Groucho instead of Karl.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book -and does

Boogey boogey boogey

All people are born alike... except Republicans and Democrats.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you're probably watching the wrong channel.

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.