Grizzard Quotes

Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.

The only way that I could figure they could improve upon Coca-Cola, one of life's most delightful elixirs, which studies prove will heal the sick and occasionally raise the dead, is to put bourbon in it.

Life is like a dogsled race. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

If you want something sweet, order the pound cake. Anybody who puts sugar in the corn bread is a heathen who doesn't love the Lord, not to mention Southeastern Conference football.

I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

On a New York subway you get fined for spitting, but you can throw up for nothing.

A lot of people won’t listen to old men. A lot of people are stupid.

Chilli dawgs always bark at night.

Shoot low, boys. They're ridin' Shetland ponies.

Life is like a dog sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.

There's nothing inherently dirty about sex, but if you try real hard and use your imagination you can overcome that.

I was afraid they kept the hogs in a pen out behind the hospital. I've been prepared for surgery and the doctor says to an orderly, 'Leon, go out to the hog pen and get me a valve.

When my love comes back from the ladies' room, will I be too old to care?

I want my chicken fried, gravy on my steak, and I want my green beans cooked and my tomatoes served raw. Too many fancy restaurants serve their green beans raw and then they cook their tomatoes - and give you some sort of hard, dark bread with it. This is an unholy aberration I cannot abide.

When I was a kid, the county in which I lived was dry. That is, you had to buy your booze from a bootlegger in order to keep the church people happy.

people who say “Mason jar” instead of “fruit jar” probably are a little snooty and sleep in pajamas.

I am not about to say that what I put in my body has nothing whatsoever to do with my health, but I suddenly am surrounded by a world of health experts, and it gets tiresome. “You’re eating a greasy cheeseburger, a man in your condition!” Deliver me. We’d all be a lot happier if we lived our own lives and allowed the son of a bitch down the street to live his. I just can’t put it any more simply or directly than that.

the late writer Lewis Grizzard once wrote, it is hard to get drunk and fall off a backyard.

It’s easy to fall away from the church, no matter the closeness to it in times past. I have done it. So have you. Grown people can do as they please. The 10:30 Sunday morning movie is even an excuse I use. So are Saturday nights that should have ended a lot earlier.

Prince Charles, while visiting the United States in 1977, attended a University of Georgia football game. Trying to be friendly and do what they could for Anglo-American relations, a Georgia fraternity unveiled a huge sign as the Prince walked onto the field at Sanford Stadium that read, “The Prince Does It Dawg Style.

Whether you read everything Lewis ever wrote or have never heard of the guy, we hope you will enjoy the amazing stories shared by those who knew Lewis well. For decades Lewis brought a smile to folks across the country while they enjoyed their morning coffee. This is our best effort to honor him with a few more smiles. Sit back and enjoy Lewis “stuff” as told by friends who loved him. We promise you will learn at least 10 facts about him you never knew. Maybe 30 or even 50 facts. Or your money back. But to get your money back you will have to prove you knew facts before reading the book. That could be tricky. Best to ignore any money back guarantee until we figure out how that might work.

Jimmy stated that as a youth he was a triple threat. He couldn’t hit, run fast or field a grounder. I am beginning to like Jimmy even more than the day I met him. This is a far cry from Lewis’s youthful self-aggrandizement. Yet I like Lewis for his youthful self-aggrandizement. Writing is kinda funny that way. Candidly, I like Jimmy’s and Lewis’s stuff better than Erskine Caldwell’s depressing stuff, but I digress. Plus, it is shabby form to dis a writer who is no longer around to defend himself. But if Erskine was around, my guess is his self defense would be depressing.

Barbara had to depart for an appointment. I wanted badly to kiss her on the lips but exercised restraint and settled for a hug. I may have embellished that. It might have only been a firm and gracious handshake.

One of many things I loved about Lewis was his tendency to meander when writing. A column or chapter would be on one topic, but he would squeeze in two or three side stories on the way to the main story. This was before the internet or reading anything on the phone, so one had the pleasure of meandering along with Lewis. This was not a race to information. This was a relaxed ride full of enjoyable detours. It is my nature too to meander when writing. I need to figure out new ways to say, ”But I digress.”.

I can’t explain why, but a whiskey sour is a drink for a man whose mother made him practice piano a lot when he was a kid. A man who drinks whiskey sours also probably throws a baseball like a girl—limp wristed. A man who drinks whiskey sours and then eats that silly little cherry they put in the bottom probably has a cat or a poodle for a pet. In other words, I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with a man who drinks whiskey sours. Scotch drinkers are aggressive. They order like they’re Charles Bronson trying to have a quick shot before returning to the subway to kill a few punks and thugs. “What’ll you have, sir?” asks the bartender. “Cutty. Water. Rocks. Twist,” growls the Scotch drinker. I think maybe Scotch drinkers wear their underwear too tight. You have to watch people who drink vodka or gin. “Anybody who drinks see-through whiskey,” an old philosopher once said, “will get crazy.” Indeed. Vodka and gin drinkers are the type who leave the house to get a loaf of bread, drop by the bar for just one, and return home six weeks later. With the bread. I wouldn’t go on a camping trip with anyone who drinks vodka or gin, either. They’re the types who would invite snakes, raccoons and bears over for cocktails and then wind up getting into an argument about tree frogs. Bourbon drinkers never grow up. Eight out of ten started drinking bourbon with Coke in school and still have a pair of saddle oxfords in the closet. Bourbon drinkers don’t think they’ve had a good time unless they get sick and pass out under a coffee table. Then there are the white wine drinkers. Never get involved in any way with them. They either want to get married, sell you a piece of real estate or redecorate your house.