Funniest School Quotes

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That was the funniest thing I'd heard in days. You're kidding, right? PLEASE tell me you have a stronger motive for me than 'fair is fair.' Life isn't FAIR, Dean....Nothing is fair, EVER. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. I need to help you because FAIR IS FAIR? Try, 'I need you to help me so I won't rip out your spine and beat you with it.' I MIGHT respond to that. MAYBE.
James Patterson (School's Out—Forever (Maximum Ride, #2))
High school parties exhausted me because I always felt like I was the only thinking person in a room mostly full of morons obliterating precious IQ points with every gulp of whatever booze they managed to steal out of their parents' liquor cabinets. College parties are exhausting in a diametrically opposite way. They are full of smart, funny people who are all used to being the smartest, funniest person in the room, so they spend the whole party talking over one another, overlapping and overtaking the conversation to prove that they are the smartest, funniest person in the room, if not the entire planet.
Megan McCafferty (Charmed Thirds (Jessica Darling, #3))
I guess when you’re a drama teacher, you’re used to memorizing long speeches.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
Be a first-rate version of yourself and not a second-rate version of someone else.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
Nancy Cartwright here in this School has written the funniest paper on scientific method ever, by taking the average advice from all the books about scientific method, and they are extreme banalities
Bruno Latour (The Prince and the Wolf: Latour and Harman at the LSE: The Latour and Harman at the LSE)
Josh Funk and Hunter Fraser: we haven't been in touch in years, but you made me feel like the funniest kid in the world. I would stay up late on school nights to write things to try to make you laugh the next day in class, and you inspired the one piece of advice on writing that I've ever felt qualified to give: write for the kid sitting next to you.
B.J. Novak (One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories)
Remember that country singer on American Songster, the girl whose father only let her order ketchup, mustard, and relish at McDonald’s because ketchup, mustard, and relish are free and you can mix them in a cup of hot water to make McSoup?
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny, #3))
#FUNNYHURRICANEKID.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
The bestselling author of all time, James Patterson.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
physically impossible for pigs to look up at the sky, so they’ll never know when one of their pals is flying.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
A little while back, I won a couple of contests and was crowned the Funniest Kid Comic in all of New York. Not just New York City, but the whole state!
James Patterson (I Even Funnier - FREE PREVIEW EDITION (The First 13 Chapters): A Middle School Story)
Now I have a shot at being the Planet’s Funniest Kid Comic. “The planet Earth?” asks Phineas of—you guessed it—Phineas and Ferb. “Or Mars? We built a portal to Mars for the science fair once.
James Patterson (I Even Funnier - FREE PREVIEW EDITION (The First 13 Chapters): A Middle School Story)
And I mulled over my sorry situation at school, which was three boys in my 5th grade class who decided that Outlaw was the funniest last name in the universe. They did not give me an ounce of peace.
Pam Muñoz Ryan (Becoming Naomi León)
I resigned myself quite contentedly to the life of a vegetable. I went to cooking school in the morning, had lunch with friends, sat in the sun with other pregnant ladies, talked, gossiped, did everything in short that’s in the books including laying out my husband’s slippers and smoking jacket. (I’m serious I assure you.) And the funniest part of all is that I liked it.
Katharine Graham (Personal History: A Memoir)
It might be useful here to say a word about Beckett, as a link between the two stages, and as illustrating the shift towards schism. He wrote for transition, an apocalyptic magazine (renovation out of decadence, a Joachite indication in the title), and has often shown a flair for apocalyptic variations, the funniest of which is the frustrated millennialism of the Lynch family in Watt, and the most telling, perhaps, the conclusion of Comment c'est. He is the perverse theologian of a world which has suffered a Fall, experienced an Incarnation which changes all relations of past, present, and future, but which will not be redeemed. Time is an endless transition from one condition of misery to another, 'a passion without form or stations,' to be ended by no parousia. It is a world crying out for forms and stations, and for apocalypse; all it gets is vain temporality, mad, multiform antithetical influx. It would be wrong to think that the negatives of Beckett are a denial of the paradigm in favour of reality in all its poverty. In Proust, whom Beckett so admires, the order, the forms of the passion, all derive from the last book; they are positive. In Beckett, the signs of order and form are more or less continuously presented, but always with a sign of cancellation; they are resources not to be believed in, cheques which will bounce. Order, the Christian paradigm, he suggests, is no longer usable except as an irony; that is why the Rooneys collapse in laughter when they read on the Wayside Pulpit that the Lord will uphold all that fall. But of course it is this order, however ironized, this continuously transmitted idea of order, that makes Beckett's point, and provides his books with the structural and linguistic features which enable us to make sense of them. In his progress he has presumed upon our familiarity with his habits of language and structure to make the relation between the occulted forms and the narrative surface more and more tenuous; in Comment c'est he mimes a virtually schismatic breakdown of this relation, and of his language. This is perfectly possible to reach a point along this line where nothing whatever is communicated, but of course Beckett has not reached it by a long way; and whatever preserves intelligibility is what prevents schism. This is, I think, a point to be remembered whenever one considers extremely novel, avant-garde writing. Schism is meaningless without reference to some prior condition; the absolutely New is simply unintelligible, even as novelty. It may, of course, be asked: unintelligible to whom? --the inference being that a minority public, perhaps very small--members of a circle in a square world--do understand the terms in which the new thing speaks. And certainly the minority public is a recognized feature of modern literature, and certainly conditions are such that there may be many small minorities instead of one large one; and certainly this is in itself schismatic. The history of European literature, from the time the imagination's Latin first made an accommodation with the lingua franca, is in part the history of the education of a public--cultivated but not necessarily learned, as Auerbach says, made up of what he calls la cour et la ville. That this public should break up into specialized schools, and their language grow scholastic, would only be surprising if one thought that the existence of excellent mechanical means of communication implied excellent communications, and we know it does not, McLuhan's 'the medium is the message' notwithstanding. But it is still true that novelty of itself implies the existence of what is not novel, a past. The smaller the circle, and the more ambitious its schemes of renovation, the less useful, on the whole, its past will be. And the shorter. I will return to these points in a moment.
Frank Kermode (The Sense of an Ending: Studies in the Theory of Fiction)
Knock, knock. Who's there? A: Lettuce Q: Lettuce who? A: Lettuce in, it's freezing out here.. . 2. Q: What do elves learn in school? A: The elf-abet . 3. Q: Why was 6 afraid of 7? A: Because: 7 8 9 . . 4. Q. how do you make seven an even number? A. Take out the s! . 5. Q: Which dog can jump higher than a building? A: Anydog – Buildings can’t jump! . 6. Q: Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach? A: Because they might peel! . 7. Q. How do you make a tissue dance? A. You put a little boogie in it. . 8. Q: Which flower talks the most? A: Tulips, of course, 'cause they have two lips! . 9. Q: Where do pencils go for vacation? A: Pencil-vania . 10. Q: What did the mushroom say to the fungus? A: You're a fun guy [fungi]. . 11. Q: Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road? A: To go with the traffic jam! . 11. Q: What do you call cheese that’s not yours? A: Nacho cheese! . 12. Q: Why are ghosts bad liars? A: Because you can see right through them. . 13. Q: Why did the boy bring a ladder to school? A: He wanted to go to high school. . 14. Q: How do you catch a unique animal? A: You neak up on it. Q: How do you catch a tame one? A: Tame way. . 15. Q: Why is the math book always mad? A: Because it has so many problems. . 16. Q. What animal would you not want to pay cards with? A. Cheetah . 17. Q: What was the broom late for school? A: Because it over swept. . 18. Q: What music do balloons hate? A: Pop music. . 19. Q: Why did the baseball player take his bat to the library? A: Because his teacher told him to hit the books. . 20. Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room? A: Odor in the court! . 21. Q: Why are fish so smart? A: Because they live in schools. . 22. Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian? A: He felt funny! . 23. Q: What animal has more lives than a cat? A: Frogs, they croak every night! . 24. Q: What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A: A pie-thon! . 25. Q: Why is a fish easy to weigh? A: Because it has its own scales! . 26. Q: Why aren’t elephants allowed on beaches? A:They can’t keep their trunks up! . 27. Q: How did the barber win the race? A: He knew a shortcut! . 28. Q: Why was the man running around his bed? A: He wanted to catch up on his sleep. . 29. Q: Why is 6 afraid of 7? A: Because 7 8 9! . 30. Q: What is a butterfly's favorite subject at school? A: Mothematics. Jokes by Categories 20 Mixed Animal Jokes Animal jokes are some of the funniest jokes around. Here are a few jokes about different animals. Specific groups will have a fun fact that be shared before going into the jokes. 1. Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bull-dozer. . 2. Q: What to polar bears eat for lunch? A: Ice berg-ers! . 3. Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.
Peter MacDonald (Best Joke Book for Kids: Best Funny Jokes and Knock Knock Jokes (200+ Jokes) : Over 200 Good Clean Jokes For Kids)
Both C.K. and Bieber are extremely gifted performers. Both climbed to the top of their industry, and in fact, both ultimately used the Internet to get big. But somehow Bieber “made it” in one-fifteenth of the time. How did he climb so much faster than the guy Rolling Stone calls the funniest man in America—and what does this have to do with Jimmy Fallon? The answer begins with a story from Homer’s Odyssey. When the Greek adventurer Odysseus embarked for war with Troy, he entrusted his son, Telemachus, to the care of a wise old friend named Mentor. Mentor raised and coached Telemachus in his father’s absence. But it was really the goddess Athena disguised as Mentor who counseled the young man through various important situations. Through Athena’s training and wisdom, Telemachus soon became a great hero. “Mentor” helped Telemachus shorten his ladder of success. The simple answer to the Bieber question is that the young singer shot to the top of pop with the help of two music industry mentors. And not just any run-of-the-mill coach, but R& B giant Usher Raymond and rising-star manager Scooter Braun. They reached from the top of the ladder where they were and pulled Bieber up, where his talent could be recognized by a wide audience. They helped him polish his performing skills, and in four years Bieber had sold 15 million records and been named by Forbes as the third most powerful celebrity in the world. Without Raymond’s and Braun’s mentorship, Biebs would probably still be playing acoustic guitar back home in Canada. He’d be hustling on his own just like Louis C.K., begging for attention amid a throng of hopeful entertainers. Mentorship is the secret of many of the highest-profile achievers throughout history. Socrates mentored young Plato, who in turn mentored Aristotle. Aristotle mentored a boy named Alexander, who went on to conquer the known world as Alexander the Great. From The Karate Kid to Star Wars to The Matrix, adventure stories often adhere to a template in which a protagonist forsakes humble beginnings and embarks on a great quest. Before the quest heats up, however, he or she receives training from a master: Obi Wan Kenobi. Mr. Miyagi. Mickey Goldmill. Haymitch. Morpheus. Quickly, the hero is ready to face overwhelming challenges. Much more quickly than if he’d gone to light-saber school. The mentor story is so common because it seems to work—especially when the mentor is not just a teacher, but someone who’s traveled the road herself. “A master can help you accelerate things,” explains Jack Canfield, author of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series and career coach behind the bestseller The Success Principles. He says that, like C.K., we can spend thousands of hours practicing until we master a skill, or we can convince a world-class practitioner to guide our practice and cut the time to mastery significantly.
Shane Snow (Smartcuts: The Breakthrough Power of Lateral Thinking)
He’s also possibly the funniest person I’ve ever met. He’s even funnier than that sit-down/stand-up comedian kid I heard about, Jamie Grimm.
James Patterson (Just My Rotten Luck (Middle School #7))
Michael OToole hated going to school, He wanted to stay home and play. So he lied to his dad and said he felt bad And stayed home from school one day. The very next day he decided to say That his stomach felt a bit queasy. He groaned and he winced ‘til his dad was convinced, And he said to himself, “This is easy!” At the end of the week, his dad kissed his cheek And said, “Son, you’ve missed too much school.” “But still I feel funny, and my nose is all runny,” Said the mischievous Michael OToole. Each day he’d complain of a new ache or pain, But his doctor could find nothing wrong. He said it was best to let Michael rest, Until he felt healthy and strong. Michael OToole never did get to school, So he never learned how to write— Or to read or to spell or do anything well, Which is sad, for he’s really quite bright. And now that he’s grown, he sits home alone ‘Cause there’s nothing he knows how to do. Don’t be a fool and stay home from school, Or the same thing could happen to you!
Stephen Carpenter (Kids Pick The Funniest Poems: Poems That Make Kids Laugh (Giggle Poetry))
So, how do you make a tissue dance?” I cringe a bit. “Put a little boogey in it?
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
Here’s a joke you can
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
Teacher: What is the shortest month? Pupil: May - with only three letters!
I.P. Grinning (101 School Jokes for Kids. Short, Funny, Clean and Corny Kid's Jokes - Fun with the Funniest Lame Jokes for all the Family. (Joke Books for Kids Book 15))
Mother: How did you find school? Son: It was there when I got off the bus!
I.P. Grinning (101 School Jokes for Kids. Short, Funny, Clean and Corny Kid's Jokes - Fun with the Funniest Lame Jokes for all the Family. (Joke Books for Kids Book 15))
tee-hee
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story: (I Funny 3))
Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school. John Dryden
M. Prefontaine (The Funniest Quotes Book: 1001 Of The Best Humourous Quotations (Quotes For Every Occasion Book 2))
for Hollywood,” he says when we bump into each other in the hall. “Thanks, Vincent, but—
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
If we all took our problems and threw them into a pile next to other people’s and saw what they had to deal with, we’d grab our own problems back as fast as we could.
James Patterson (I Totally Funniest: A Middle School Story (I Funny Book 3))
this.' Alice nodded but didn't move. Miss Dread stepped in front of her and walked up the ladder. 'Follow me,' she held out her hand, which Alice promptly took, and they both stepped onto the dragon's belly together. Leading Alice towards the center of Dexter's belly, Miss Dread grasped both her hands and they jumped, gradually going higher and higher until Alice's shrieks turned into giggles and her frown turned into a smile. 'Darling, I knew you could do it,' she gave Alice a congratulatory grin, as she helped her down off the ladder. 'Now my darlings, who is next?' Miss Dread looked warmly at the girls. All the girls had a turn, and they were all forced to admit that it was the funniest and most enjoyable fitness lesson they had ever had. A few days earlier, Charlotte would never have believed that using a dragon's belly as a trampoline was possible, but now she knew differently. This Academy had opened a door into a new world, one where anything seemed possible, and Charlotte was excited to see what would happen next. 'Darlings, darlings, fantastic, you were all fantastic!' Miss Dread pulled out her wand and made a gold medallion with a long white ribbon appear. 'I give medals out to those who I feel might deserve them the most. Today, I have a certain girl in mind.' She looked directly at Alice. 'You, darling, you have shown us all that it's okay to be scared and that overlooking fear is a triumph that should be
Katrina Kahler (Witch School, Book 1)
Pupil:
I.P. Grinning (101 School Jokes for Kids. Short, Funny, Clean and Corny Kid's Jokes - Fun with the Funniest Lame Jokes for all the Family. (Joke Books for Kids Book 15))