Funniest Office Quotes

some of my happiest funniest times have been spent in offices. Perhaps because the work was mudane, even the tiniest of distractions become wildly hilarious and wonderful. Actually, I'd say that 90 per cent of my doubled-over-gasping-with-laughther-laughing-so-much-that-you-can't-breathe-and-you-think-you-might-die laughing has occurred during slow days in offices.

A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. “Do you know how fast you were going?” asks the cop. “No,” Heisenberg replies, “but I know exactly where I am!” I think we can all agree that physics jokes are the funniest jokes there are. They are less good at accurately conveying physics. This particular chestnut rests on familiarity with the famous Heisenberg uncertainty principle, often explained as saying that we cannot simultaneously know both the position and the velocity of any object. But the reality is deeper than that.

A police officer pulls over Werner Heisenberg for speeding. "Do you know how fast you were going?" asks the cop. "No," Heisenberg replies. "But I know exactly where I am." I think we can all agree that physics jokes are the funniest jokes there are.

the people who are best at telling jokes tend to have more health problems than the people laughing at them. A study of Finnish police officers found that those who were seen as funniest smoked more, weighed more, and were at greater risk of cardiovascular disease than their peers [10]. Entertainers typically die earlier than other famous people [11], and comedians exhibit more “psychotic traits” than others [12]. So just as there’s research to back up the conventional wisdom on laughter’s curative powers, there also seems to be truth to the stereotype that funny people aren’t always having much fun. It might feel good to crack others up now and then, but apparently the audience gets the last laugh.

Not Exactly Speeding A cop was watching the traffic on Highway 22 when he saw a car puttering along at way below the speed limit. “Well,” he said, “they’re not exactly speeding, but driving that slow is just as dangerous.” So he turned on the flashing lights and pulled the car over. Inside were five little old ladies, two in front and three in the back. All of them looked scared and shaken up. After getting the license and registration of the driver, the police officer explained that while they certainly weren’t speeding, it was also dangerous for them to drive a lot slower than the speed limit and he had to write them a ticket for that. “Slower than the speed limit?” the driver asked. “Officer, I don’t understand. We were going exactly the speed limit – twenty-two miles an hour.” The officer suppressed a laugh at their expense and explained politely that twenty-two was the route number, not the speed limit, and the speed limit was actually sixty-five. The driver seemed to understand and promised to do better in the future, and the police officer decided to let them off with a warning. As they were about to drive away, he asked, “Ma’am, are all of you ladies all right?” because they seemed so frightened and shaken. “Oh, we’ll be fine in a few minutes, officer, don’t worry,” the driver said. “We just got off of Highway 118.

Why is it that when my alarm goes off at 6 am and I close my eyes for 5 minutes, it’s suddenly 7:30.  And when it’s 1:30 pm at the office and I close my eyes for 5 minutes, it’s only 1:31? Garry Shandling

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word.

As the CEO of a publishing company, I’ve met with many politicians over the years—democratic ones and not so democratic ones. I’ve had many conversations with Helmut Kohl, Gerhard Schröder, Angela Merkel, and Olaf Scholz. And, with the exception of Donald Trump, I’ve met every former American president of the past few decades, starting with George H. W. Bush. The funniest and most surprising encounter I ever had with a head of state was with George W. Bush. Henry Kissinger had suggested that if I would like to meet him, I should get my assistant to pass on my next United States travel dates. Which she did, including a trip to a Time Warner board meeting just two days later. That evening, on the French Atlantic coast, I got an email from the White House: The p resident would be delighted to meet me the day after tomorrow, July 25, 2007, at 9:30 a.m. in the Oval Office. Not only was I amazed at the speed with which the meeting had been scheduled, I was also in the depths of rural France—and logistically challenged. First, there was no connecting flight that could get me to Washington on time. Second, my eleven-year-old son was with me and I had promised that he could come to New York this time. In a cloak-and-dagger operation, my office organized a private plane which picked us up on the runway of Angoulême Airport the following day and dropped us off in Washington nine hours later.

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She chuckled. “You won’t have any trouble finding him. You could pick that man out of any crowd.” “Why?” I asked. “What’s wrong with him? What does he look like?” “Well … ” she said, still grinning, “he’s the funniest looking thing I’ve seen in a long time. He has this … ah … this growth all over his face. As a matter of fact it’s all over his head.” She nodded. “You’ll know him when you see him; don’t worry about that.” Great creeping Jesus, I thought. That screws the press credentials. I had a vision of some nerve-rattling geek all covered with matted hair and string-warts showing up in the press office and demanding Scanlan’s press packet. Well … what the hell? We could always load up on acid and spend the day roaming around the grounds with big sketch pads, laughing hysterically at the natives and swilling mint juleps so the cops wouldn’t think we’re abnormal. Perhaps even make the act pay up: set up an easel with a big sign saying, “Let a Foreign Artist Paint Your Portrait, $10 Each. Do It NOW!