Fran Lebowitz Quotes

Think before you speak. Read before you think.

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

A book is not supposed to be a mirror. It's supposed to be a door.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness and death.

Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep.

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.

The best fame is a writer's fame. It's enough to get a table at a good restaurant, but not enough to get you interrupted when you eat.

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.

My favorite animal is steak.

Romantic love is mental illness. But it's a pleasurable one. It's a drug. It distorts reality, and that's the point of it. It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.

Your life story would not make a good book. Don’t even try.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how clean the rest of the world is. Clean is not enough.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don't know won't hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable.

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.

I prefer dead writers because you don't run into them at parties.

To lose yourself in a book is the desire of the bookworm. I mean to be taken. That is my desire.

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things, and small people talk about wine.

polite conversation is rarely either

I write so slowly, I could write with my own blood and not hurt myself.

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail.

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

All the time I'm not writing I feel like a criminal. It's horrible to feel felonious every second of the day. It's much more relaxing to actually write.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

When Toni Morrison said 'write the book you want to read,' she didn't mean everybody.

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words.

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.

There's no such thing as advice to the lovelorn. If they took advice, they wouldn't be lovelorn.

Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not possibly have met.

Sleep is death without the responsibility.

There is one thing that has disappeared, not just from the U.S. but from the entire world, is the idea of ever being embarrassed by anything.

Now, nature, as I am only too aware, has her enthusiasts, but on the whole, I am not to be counted among them. To put it bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.

To me the outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab.

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?

It's much easier to write a solemn book than a funny book. It's harder to make people laugh than it is to make them cry. People are always on the verge of tears.

Reading is better than life. Without reading, you're stuck with life.

I do not believe in God. I believe in cashmere.

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.

Magazines all too frequently lead to books and should be regarded by the prudent as the heavy petting of literature.

Think before you speak, read before you think.

I´m just not sending out the right vibe lately. Perhaps the fact that I wear stained sweatpants and free T-shirts is holding me back. I just can´t seem to get back into the intelligent-slut-for-hire outfits that lure men; even shoes with laces evade me. Plus my hair is Fran Lebowitz-esque. I think my eyes are getting closer together. I don´t know.

The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.

No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.

Very few people possess true artistic ability. It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate the situation by making an effort. If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint, simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass. Your life story would not make a good book. Do not even try.

Perhaps the least cheering statement ever made on the subject of art is that life imitates it.

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.

If people don't want to listen to you, what makes you think they want to hear from your sweater?

That I am totally devoid of sympathy for, or interest in, the world of groups is directly attributable to the fact that my two greatest needs and desires — smoking cigarettes and plotting revenge — are basically solitary pursuits.

I am not the type of person who wants to go back to the land I am the type who wants to got back to the hotel.

فكر قبل أن تتكلم، واقرأ قبل أن تفكر

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

People have been cooking and eating for thousands of years, so if you are the very first to have thought of adding lime juice to scalloped potatoes try to understand there must be a reason for this.

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.

To me, nothing can be more important than giving children books, It's better to be giving books to children than drug treatment to them when they're 15 years old. Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?

The girl in your class who suggests that this year the Drama Club put on The Bald Soprano will be a thorn in people's sides all of her life.

There's no equivalent to Mozart in writing.

You're only as good as your last haircut.

If, while watching the sun set on a used-car lot in Los Angeles, you are struck by the parallels between the image and the inevitable fate of humanity, do not, under any circumstance, write it down.

..[l]et me assure you: the world is full of mediocre men who are stunning successes.

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.

This is not my favorite way to wake up. My favorite way to wake up is to have a certain French movie star whisper to me softly at two thirty in the afternoon that if I want to get to Sweden in time to pick up my Nobel Prize for Literature I had better ring for breakfast. This occurs rather less often than one might wish.

Sarcasm: what they have in New York instead of jacuzzis.

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Women who insist upon having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong silent type.

First of all, nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.

But alas, I do not rule the world and that, I am afraid, is the story of my life—always a godmother, never a God.

The outdoors is what you must pass through in order to get from your apartment into a taxicab. said Fran Lebowitz

I open the refrigerator. I decide against the half a lemon and jar of Gulden’s mustard and on the spur of the moment choose instead to have breakfast out. I guess that’s just the kind of girl I am—whimsical. 5:10

The customary way for white people to think about the topic of race—and it is only a topic to white people—is to ask, “How would it be if I were black?”….. The way to approach it, I think, is…to seriously consider what it is like to be white.

I am not a callous sort. I believe that all people should have warm clothing, sufficient food, and adequate shelter. I do feel, however, that unless they are willing to behave in an acceptable manner they should bundle up, chow down, and stay home.

Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one’s home.

It is not good form to take a Trick out unless one is so firmly established as to be able to afford being associated with someone who might at any given moment write a poem in public.

Chocolate is an excellent flavor for ice cream but both unreasonable and disconcerting in chewing gum.

If Fran Lebowitz and Ian Fleming had blessed the world with a love child it would have been author J. Fields Jr.

He allowed people to express their racism and bigotry in a way that they haven’t been able to in quite a while and they really love him for that. It’s a shocking thing to realise people love their hatred more than they care about their own actual lives. The hatred – what is that about? It’s a fear of your own weakness.

Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. The rigors of learning how to do long division have been a traditional part of childhood, just like learning to smoke. In fact, as far as I am concerned, the two go hand in hand. Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.

I place a high moral value on the way people behave. I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word - politeness of the heart, a gentleness of the spirit.

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself

I must take issue with the term “a mere child,” for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. *

There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death.

Reading is better than life. Without reading, you’re stuck with life.

I love sleep because it is both pleasant and safe to use. Pleasant because one is in the best possible company and safe because sleep is the consummate protection against the unseemliness that is the invariable consequence of being awake. What you don’t know won’t hurt you. Sleep is death without the responsibility.

Democracy is an interesting, even laudable, notion and there is no question but that when compared to Communism, which is too dull, or Fascism, which is too exciting, it emerges as the most palatable form of government

Children ask better questions than do adults. “May I have a cookie?” “Why is the sky blue?” and “What does a cow say?” are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than “Where’s your manuscript?” “Why haven’t you called?” and “Who’s your lawyer?

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn’t make up yourself—a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

A salad is not a meal. It is a style.

I can see my glass is half full … but, of course, I did order a double.

Red is frequently associated with passion because it is the color of fire. Those who take this seriously need to be reminded there is such a thing as arson.

If there was no such thing as food, Oyster Bay would be called just Bay, and for the title of The Cherry Orchard Chekhov would have chosen A Group of Empty Trees, Regularly Spaced.

People love to feel superior to their past.

If movies (or films, as you are probably now referring to them) were of such a high and serious nature, can you possibly entertain even the slightest notion that they would show them in a place that sold Orange Crush and Jujubes?

Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn’t make up yourself — a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.

All God’s children are not beautiful. Most of God’s children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive—you are leaking.

Once upon a time, long, long ago, people wanted to be well spoken. Those capable of an elegant turn of phrase were much admired. Wit was in great demand. It was the day of the epigram. Time went on, and by and by it came to pass that people were chiefly interested in being well liked. Those capable of a firm handshake were much admired. Friendliness was in great demand. It was the day of the telegram. Presently it appears that people are mainly concerned with being well rested. Those capable of uninterrupted sleep are much admired. Unconsciousness is in great demand. This is the day of the milligram. Far be it from me to make noise while you’re asleep but I should like to notify you that you are under arrest for being boring.

Here's the problem. Here's what news used to be: information. That's what news is. Now, every article in the New York Times starts, no matter what it is, it starts with, "On a rocky road in Afghanistan..." It's like, three paragraphs 'til you get to "a bomb blew up something in Afghanistan." The bomb is the news, the beginning is the writing. Facts are what's important in news, but no one is interested in facts anymore. People are interested--and this I find astonishing--they're interested in other people's opinions. So, unbiased news, I don't think we'll have anymore, because no one seems to know what news is. They turn on the news and they watch people give their opinions. That's what they watch on TV, that's what they see on the Internet, that's what they participate in. Here's how I feel when someone on CNN says, "Here's our Twitter number whatever-you-call-it...we want to know what you think." And I think, "Really? I don't.

lack, or loutish and crass kollective is a program dedicated to the proposition that vulgarity and bad taste are an inalienable right. the lackies, as they are sometimes called, meet if they feel like it at program headquarters, which is known as La Gaucherie. La Gaucherie is densely furnished with seven thousand always-in-operation console color televisions, nine hundred constantly blaring quadrophonic stereos, shag rugs in six hundred and seventy-eight decorator colors, and am eclectic mix of Mediterranean-style dining room sets, fun sofas, interesting wall hangings, and modular seating systems. These members not otherwise occupied practicing the electric guitar or writing articles for Playgirl sit around in unduly comfortable positions expressing their honest feelings and opinions in loud tones of voice. Male lackies are encouraged to leave unbuttoned the first five buttons of their shirts unless they have unusually pale skin and hairy chests, in which case they are required to do so. Female members are encouraged to encourage them. Both sexes participate in a form of meditation that consists of breathing deeply of musk oil while wearing synthetic fabrics. The eventual goal of this discipline is to reach the state of mind known as Los Angeles.