Evans Hughes Quotes

When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free.

A dissent in a court of last resort is an appeal to the brooding spirit of law, to the intelligence of a future day when a later decision may possibly correct the error into which the dissenting justice believes the court to have been betrayed.

A man has to live with himself, and he should see to it that he always has good company.

When we lose the right to be diffrent, we lose the right to be free.

In the final scene of Power, the Supreme Court justices appear as a striking abstraction: Nine scowling masks line up in a row on top of a giant podium. Chief Justice Charles Evans Hughes speaks the majority opinion: 'Water power, the right to convert it into electric energy, and the electric energy thus produced constitute property belonging to the United States.

Charles Evans Hughes, former Chief Justice of the United States Supreme Court, said: “Men do not die from overwork. They die from dissipation and worry.” Yes, from dissipation of their energies—and worry because they never seem to get their work done.

War should be made a crime, and those who instigate it should be punished as criminals.

No greater mistake can be made than to think that our institutions are fixed or may not be changed for the worse.

Yet there were, in fact, nearly two hundred women and children still on board the Titanic. More than half of them were waiting in the third-class public rooms and corridors or on the decks near the stern. At 1:30 a.m. the gates on the stairs up from third class had been opened for women but many had chosen to remain with their men. Father Thomas Byles circulated among the third-class passengers, hearing confessions and reciting the rosary with them. At 2:00 a.m. the gates were opened for third-class men as well as women, and many more steerage passengers soon crowded the boat deck. As he began loading Collapsible D on the port side, Lightoller was forced to pull his revolver to clear a crowd of what he called “dagoes” out of the boat. He then formed a cordon of crewmen to prevent a rush on the boat. As small knots of steerage women were escorted across the deck toward the last boat, there were still a few women from first class on board as well. Archibald Gracie was shocked to see Caroline Brown and Edith Evans standing by the starboard railing. He had escorted Evans and the three Lamson sisters to the staircase landing below the boat deck over an hour ago and had then gone in search of his other “unprotected” ward, Helen Candee, but discovered that she had already gone up on deck. Caroline Brown began to explain to Gracie how they had become separated from the others, but he and Jim Smith simply hustled them both toward the ring of men surrounding Collapsible D. Once they were let through, Edith Evans said to Caroline Brown, “You go first. You are married and have children.” Brown was then lifted into the lifeboat, but when Evans went to follow, she was unable to clamber over the railing in her tapered skirt. “Never mind,” she called out to Brown, “I will go on a later boat,” and turned and hurried away down the deck. Evans had earlier told Archibald Gracie that she had been told by a fortune-teller to beware of water and that she now knew she would be drowned. Gracie had dismissed this as superstition but Edith Evans would become one of only four women from first class to perish.

I don’t like thinking very much about the way I was when I was totally under the thumb of my ROCD during that first year. I don’t like thinking about how I was cold and distant; how I was inconsiderate; how I was disparaging and insulting, sometimes just by my silence and apparent indifference. But I do like remembering how liberating it felt to be diagnosed with ROCD. It meant that there was hope for us and hope for me, and that there was something I could do to feel normal. More than that, it meant that I suddenly had permission to be a good, affectionate partner. To someone without ROCD, that last statement might seem a little strange, but it’s true. Before I knew I had the disorder, I would often become cold or distant because I thought I had to be--in my mind, I was sparing us both pain by not getting too close, in case things didn’t work out. Once I realized that I had ROCD, and once I learned how to treat it with CBT, being affectionate was no longer just allowed--it was a requirement of my treatment. I still couldn’t be certain that the relationship would work out. After all, nobody ever is, really. But I could live my life as though I was certain and that made all the difference.

The goal is not to make the thoughts go away--it is to make them cause less interference in your life. -          Doing CBT can make the sufferer more confident--not by creating more certainty, which is impossible, but by making the sufferer more comfortable with uncertainty. - Reassurance, rationalization, and avoidance are never productive--they are part of the OCD cycle.

both have moral issues with the porn industry, and we believe that its practices are incompatible with our principles. We talked it over and came to the conclusion that, if we believed the practices of the industry to have a damaging influence on gender relations, placing women in a position of inferiority and subjugation, we couldn’t in good faith watch those videos.

Try not to beat yourself up when you have trouble handling the OCD. This is normal, and attacking yourself over it will only make the OCD worse. - Choose to live as though you do have certainty, even as you are plagued with uncertainty. -          Remember to be loving, affectionate, and understanding with your partner, especially as it relates to your ROCD, because it is as painful and confusing to them as it is to you. - Remember that with treatment, it gets better, and that you are doing this for you, your partner, and your relationship.

it means trusting that I know the person I married. It also means not feeling threatened by every little thought that pops into his head, because, after all, thoughts are just thoughts, and like dreams, they’re completely beyond our control.

riding thoughts out.” - If an intrusive thought comes up, I will observe it, acknowledge it, and let it be. - I will allow the anxiety to be there until it dissipates naturally. -          If Sophia notices that I am uncomfortable, I will simply tell her that I am riding out my OCD, and will not provide more details even if she asks, as detailing it will only increase the importance that we both assign to the intrusive thought. This will also allow Sophia to treat her own OCD, as she will have to deal with the anxiety of not knowing what my intrusive thoughts are.

ERP. - I will expose myself to my intrusive thoughts, feelings, and anxieties. -          From there, I will either choose not to react to them at all, or I will seek out ways to actively intensify my anxiety, at which point I will not react to them.

three main steps to follow in this: Accept that you have / your partner has OCD Let the OCD scream at you as much as it wants Believe in your values. That is, live as though you have confidence in those values, even if the OCD makes you feel like you don’t.

a few words on something that I believe affects both Obsessional Jealousy sufferers and ROCD sufferers alike--the fear of losing the marriage. Often, what hides behind the intrusive thoughts is a deep-seated fear of the relationship not working out. In my case, I saw my parents go through a painful and messy divorce after twenty-five years of marriage. In Hugh’s case, his self esteem had taken a heavy blow a few years before meeting me, when his girlfriend at the time left him for another guy. He began having ROCD thoughts shortly after that relationship ended. The fear of commitment that ROCD sufferers experience might stem from trauma, and the wish to avoid feeling vulnerable again. Commitment to a relationship means trust and trust means vulnerability. The fear of being vulnerable is at the heart of OCD.

Some common compulsions in ROCD are: ●        Checking for arousal when around one’s partner or checking for arousal when around people other than one’s partner, in order to see if one is “more attracted” to one’s partner ● Comparing one’s current relationship to past relationships to try and determine which one “felt more right” ● Checking to see if one feels “in love” with a partner at a given moment ●        Trying to remember times when one was happiest in the relationship, in order to be reassured that the relationship is “right

Because both the obsessions and the compulsions are in the sufferer’s head, it can be extremely difficult for them to keep from engaging with the OCD. Indeed, it can sometimes be hard to notice that one is performing compulsions at all. For example, it is very common for the ROCD sufferer to try to “push” unpleasant thoughts, such as doubts about the “rightness” of the relationship, out of his or her mind, but this too is a kind of compulsion, and it will only make the unpleasant thoughts more painful when they inevitably return. By the same token, one can’t simply think to oneself “this is just my ROCD,” because such a statement is also a form of reassurance. What one has to do is train oneself to just let the thoughts be there--to observe them and accept them as they are, without engaging in them, but also without trying to get rid of or otherwise neutralize them.

Since many of the compulsions take place in the sufferer’s head only--rationalicing, rumaninating, avoidant behaviors, reassurance-seeking, repeating phrases/mantras in one’s mind, and many other mental gymnastics--it can be difficult to identify this manifestation of OCD at first.

Remember that the doubts the ROCD sufferer is having are ego-dystonic. This means that these plaguing questions are inconsistent with their true feelings, character, and wishes. Consequently, they cause the ROCD sufferer an immense amount of anxiety and pain.

It’s worth mentioning that obsessions often take the form of questions (OCD used to be known as the “doubting disease”), typically “what if” questions. Some examples include: ● “What if my partner loves me more than I love him/her?” ● “What if this is not the right person for me?” ● “What if I am stuck in the wrong relationship?” ● “What if I made a mistake in getting together with my partner?” ● “What if there’s some with whom I would be more compatible?” ● “What if I’m attracted to someone else?” ● “What if I am leading my partner on?” ● “What if I am secretly a cheater?” ● “What if I hurt my partner by staying together?” ● “What if my partner is not as smart as I am?” ● “What if that other person is more attractive than my partner?” ● “What if I am deluding myself and/or my partner?

asked my sister for advice, confessing to her my uncertainty about the future of the relationship. She suggested that I just live in the moment and not worry about the future too much. At the time, this seemed like helpful advice, and for many people it might be. But for me, it quickly turned into a phrase that I would repeat to myself as a form of reassurance whenever my anxiety flared up.

Do NOT reassure your partner. As tempting as it might be to try and reassure your partner that they are a good person, that their thoughts don’t mean that they are a cheater, or that they like someone else, or that they are in the wrong relationship, make an effort to not offer reassurance. A hug or a laugh might work better instead. Reassuring your partner only serves to decrease their anxiety at that moment, therefore feeding the OCD cycle. Reassurance-seeking is, after all, one of the most common compulsions in OCD.

Practice ERP together. This way, even if you don’t have intrusive thoughts yourself, you’ll be able to offer support and acceptance and to empathize more with your partner, as they treat their ROCD. Turning off the light and lying next to each other deliberately thinking the scary thoughts goes a long way to intimidating the OCD into submission. Don’t treat the ROCD like a taboo topic. There’s no need to never refer to the ROCD or for the OCD sufferer to be afraid of admitting they are having intrusive thoughts. One thing is to not confess them and another altogether different thing is to feel ashamed. Let your partner know that you don’t mind if they are having intrusive thoughts, but be firm in reminding them not to confess them, since this is a compulsion.

But don’t talk about the ROCD all the time, either. We’ve found that talking too much about it can be counterproductive, leading to more intrusive thoughts, because the discussion itself can turn into rationalization, which is a form of reassurance-seeking.

For someone without ROCD, a more present concern might be how their partner feels about them. But for the ROCD sufferer, a lot of energy and thought goes into the problem of whether their feelings for their partner are genuine or strong enough, or whether there isn’t someone else or some other relationship that is more perfect. For them, if a relationship isn’t perfect, then might that mean that it isn’t right? If the ROCD sufferer confesses these concerns to their partner, they are likely to cause a good deal of pain, and may even accidentally convince their partner that the relationship is indeed wrong somehow, or that the ROCD sufferer isn’t as invested in the relationship. And it stands to reason: if you didn’t know that your partner was dealing with OCD, it would be easy to look at the above questions, and the list of obsessions from earlier, and see them as evidence that your partner doesn’t care about you, or maybe actively dislikes you. In a worst-case scenario, the ROCD sufferer might, in fearing that their relationship is somehow wrong or doomed, actually precipitate the end of the relationship itself.

common obsessions in ROCD are: ● Wondering if the relationship is “right” ● Wondering if one’s partner is “the one” ● Wondering if one is less “in love” than their partner ● Fearing not being really attracted to one’s partner ● Feeling anxious about whether or not there’s compatibility between the two ● Fearing that one might be missing out on someone better ● Worrying incessantly about hurting one’s partner by staying in the relationship ●        Fearing that they truly must want to be with another person if they find anybody else good-looking or attractive ● Fixating on perceived flaws or defects in one’s partner ● Worrying about one’s partner’s appearance, intelligence, and overall personality ● Comparing one’s partner to other people ● Feeling terrified of commitment and the possibility of a long-term relationship

For all of you who might be experiencing this, or something similar, I want you to know that it doesn’t go on forever and that ROCD has in fact a very good prognosis. Treatment with CBT and ERP is very favorable and has shown to produce effective results within a short period of time. In our case, after Hugh began practicing ERP with the help of his therapist (to whom I am eternally grateful), his attitude changed overnight. It was a revelation. He had been cold and distant and I had in turn reacted defensively. But then he made an effort to do ERP and in a matter of days he was completely different around me. He treated me with more kindness and he didn’t shy away from showing affection. Of course, there were still moments when he would be afraid and engage in his OCD. But those were nothing compared to the barrage of intrusive thoughts that harassed him and the compulsions he was giving into before. I felt like we might make it through to the other side. Now I understand that there isn’t really another side. We have needed to learn to keep going with the intrusive thoughts, but doing our best to ditch the compulsions. You might wonder that I speak in the plural here. Well, we both interact with Hugh’s OCD. I make the mistake of offering him reassurance more often than I would like to admit, and I sometimes ask him about the thoughts, both things I should never do. But even though OCD is incredibly tough, one can learn to live with it. And that has been one of the greatest lessons we have learned so far. We live with the OCD not as our companion, but as a condition, like so many others, in our lives (don’t forget that I also have OCD, although it doesn’t manifest as ROCD).

had the confidence and the willpower to begin actively treating my ROCD with ERP. I was willing and ready to face my anxiety, and I did so again and again by choosing to be affectionate and loving to Sophia even when I was terrified and confused. It wasn’t a journey without bumps, but by the end of the month, my attitude and actions had drastically changed for the better.

started to compare Sophia to porn stars. We’ve mentioned in previous chapters that comparison is a common obsession with ROCD, but this was a particularly violent form of it. While it wasn’t a constant manifestation, it did occur from time to time, and I wasn’t treating it effectively because I didn’t immediately recognize it as ROCD--another common issue with this disorder. After more than a year of marriage, this aspect of my disorder came to light, and we agreed that pornography was actively harming our intimacy (to say nothing of the harm it does to women and to gender relations in general), and that we should no longer watch it under any circumstances. In truth, the fact that I had also become more and more eager to watch porn as part of our intimate life showed that my habit wasn’t something I could truly ever kick, and removing it from our life was the only solution. Since then, we haven’t watched porn again. I’ve still occasionally felt a bit of a nagging urge to watch it, when scenes from old videos and the like pop into my head, but I’ve never actually wanted to, let alone done it. We agreed not to for the health of ourselves and our marriage, and I remain confident that it was the right decision. My intent is to never look at pornography again, and the fact that the urge still arises stands as proof that I’m right not to.

the usual fear, anxiety, and guilt, and has introduced myriad painful intrusive thoughts, such as: - Am I not as attracted to Sophia as I should be? -          Is there something wrong with our relationship or with me because I don’t feel that “rush” that comes with masturbating to porn? - Do I prefer that “rush” to making love? - Do I wish I was still looking at pornography? - Would I get that rush if I was with another partner? (This one is particularly painful.) - Am I some kind of incurable sex addict or sexual deviant? The answer to all of those questions, as is generally the case with ROCD, is no.

The key is to remember that, if a thought is causing you anxiety, and you find yourself trying to do something to get rid of the thought (including the question “What if it’s not OCD?”), then it’s more than likely OCD. The OCD likes to hide itself, trying to make you believe that you don’t have it. The obsessions, like with any other OCD manifestation, are intrusive and cause great distress to the sufferer. In the case of ROCD, they might get worse at moments in the relationship when the partners are about to face some new commitment,

For the partner of that ROCD sufferer, we have a few practical tips, advice that I’ve come to rely on myself over time, from us both. First and foremost, remember that your partner has OCD. Before getting upset at them for confessing an intrusive thought, urge, feeling, or sensation, try to remember that OCD is a disorder and that your partner is genuinely suffering at that moment. Approach them with empathy, listening and then dismissing the thought as just that; laughter also helps. If you laugh at the intrusions, the OCD loses some of its power.

Don’t ask your partner to give you details of their intrusive thoughts or to explain why they are having them. Intrusive thoughts are just that--thoughts. We have zero control over what pops into our heads and so there’s really no reason for those thoughts to appear. By questioning your partner about his or her ROCD you are giving the thoughts more weight than they deserve. By the same token, you yourself shouldn’t assign the thoughts any value.

Be patient with your partner. This can be hard to do sometimes, because ROCD, like all forms of OCD, is persistent. But the more patient and understanding you can be with your partner, the easier it will be for them to treat their disorder. That said, be firm. By now, you should have a pretty good understanding of what your partner needs to do to treat their ROCD. If you see that they’re just giving in to their compulsions, remind them that it’s important to both of you for them to continue treating their OCD. Patience is all well and good, but there’s no sense in being patient with your partner when they’re actively worsening the disorder. Above all, be supportive. In any relationship, partners have to support each other. ROCD naturally can be extremely painful for you as the partner, but it is also a very personal struggle for the OCD sufferer. And as with any struggle, one of the best things you can do as their partner is provide love and support. Remind them not to be so hard on themselves when they do fall into the traps of their ROCD.

my porn habit was already causing Sophia pain. When we watched porn together, she noticed how easy it was for me to get an erection and reach orgasm, and she felt that I preferred watching other women being dominated to making love with her. This alone should have been a reason for us to talk and for me to drop the habit entirely, but because of how irritable and distant I could get due to my ROCD, Sophia felt that she couldn’t talk to me about how she felt for fear of me getting angry and breaking up with her. Eventually, the more overt manifestations of my ROCD became less present, due to consistent and effective CBT and, more specifically, ERP.

intimate with one’s partner ● Comparing one’s relationship to those found in movies, books, and TV ● Trying to persuade oneself that one’s not hurting one’s partner ● Rationalizing one’s fear of commitment ●        Reminding oneself that it’s all ROCD and therefore the relationship must be right (beware of the OCD trap!) ●        Ruminating for long periods of time on the right-ness of the relationship, one’s feelings for one’s partner, and one’s partner’s perceived flaws and qualities, in order to justify staying in the relationship

Watching romantic films is a good way of doing ERP, because the ROCD sufferer will get intrusive thoughts about the rightness of their relationship and begin comparing it to the one(s) portrayed in the movie. If they can manage to sit tight and watch all of it, without giving into compulsions, such as rationalization or other forms of reassurance-seeking, then the exercise might be very good for them.

What’s important is that the thoughts should be upsetting enough to make the sufferer want to push them away or otherwise neutralize them. The trick is to not do that, and to make the thoughts even worse, if possible.

starting to perceive “flaws” in Sophia that I hadn’t noticed before, and in large part because I began to be afraid that I wasn’t really into her and that I was leading her on somehow. To me, that meant that I shouldn’t get any closer, lest I hurt us both more if we did break up. It was a drastic change, and of course Sophia noticed it almost immediately. But neither of us knew how to process or respond to it. I started being irritable and distant, and Sophia became angry and hurt in turn. I certainly don’t blame her. But whenever she would start to pull away, I would reassert myself and start being sweet and affectionate again. Then, when things got too serious, I would pull away again. This was the start of our first major ROCD cycle.

POCD has aspects of moral scrupulosity OCD and harm OCD, and may leave the sufferer feeling much the same as someone afflicted with HOCD--namely, afraid that they will be unable to have a normal relationship. Common compulsions that people with POCD engage in are avoidant behaviors such attempting to keep away from minors or places where minors gather, like schools and parks; checking for arousal or lack thereof, in an attempt to “confirm” whether one is actually attracted to minors; and confessing one’s fears to a close confidant, often followed by asking that person whether they think the sufferer is a pedophile.

my scrupulosity manifests itself in two main ways: first, the fear that I may have done something wrong in the past that I don’t remember--particularly something that would be hurtful or disrespectful to Sophia; and second, the need to compulsively confess those fears, along with any upsetting intrusive thoughts that I may have.

the latter of which can, not infrequently, take place exclusively in one’s head, making them harder to spot. An example of such a compulsion is rationalization, in which someone tries to explain a problem or situation away so as to get rid of the anxiety. Another, not too different, example is rumination, or excessive attention paid to a matter of distress.

Obviously, I didn’t know at the time that I was performing mental compulsions or that my worries were actually obsessions. I started fearing that I was only dating Sophia because she was my friend and I didn’t want to hurt her feelings or lose her friendship. I even talked to our mutual friend about it, and he suggested that I give the relationship a shot, at least for a couple of weeks. He figured I was just scared and that I shouldn’t jump to conclusions.

We can see this in Homosexual Obesessive-Compulsive Disorder (HOCD). It’s worth mentioning that this abbreviation does not really express the nature of the disorder in this manifestation, as it can happen to anyone who suffers from OCD, independently of their sexual orientation. So it might be more appropriate to refer to it as Sexual Orientation OCD. In Sexual Orientation OCD, the person is plagued by doubts regarding their sexuality, fearing that they might be attracted to somebody of the opposite sex (if they’re gay) or of the same sex (if they are straight). At the heart of this suffering, there’s the fear of never being able to feel fully attracted to their partner, or of having a fulfilling, loving relationship with someone they love and for whom they know, with absolute certainty, they feel attraction. When the disorder is in full-swing in this manifestation, the resulting anxiety can distract the sufferer from enjoying intercourse, which prompts them to believe they must be of a different sexual orientation. Here is when the OCD finds, yet again, a good disguise. To the sufferer, the notion that their obsessions are turning them off sounds absurd, and it seems much more probable that they are just in denial by telling themselves that they have OCD. A similar, but in many ways more extreme form of OCD is POCD, or Pedophilia OCD. As the name suggests, this OCD is characterized by the fear of being a pedophile

Other common obsessions are a fear of hurting others (this is usually known as harm OCD), which might manifest themselves as intrusive thoughts depicting violence inflicted on oneself or others; or perhaps, the fear of running someone over while driving and not having noticed it; or the worry that one might commit a criminal act against somebody who is vulnerable, such as sexual assault of a minor, or abusing, or stealing from an elderly person, etc. Compulsions vary depending on the individual.

couldn’t stop praying! I would hide behind doors so as to be able to pray unnoticed when there were people around. My siblings, naturally, made fun of me. This particular compulsion only subsided some years later, as a gradual realization and acceptance of my being not always entirely good and possessing some darker sides to my personality as a whole (such as vanity, envy and jealousy, among other vices) took place in me. More on the acceptance bit later. For my part (Hugh), I still struggle quite a bit with scrupulosity. As with Sophia, it started as something religious. I went to a Catholic elementary school, and for a time was terrified of accidentally thinking that I “hated God” or “loved the devil.” So, I would repeat that I loved God and hated the devil ad nauseum in my head. Eventually that particular form of religious scrupulosity went away, but it was replaced with a general fear of sinning and going to Hell, reaching a point in middle school where I had to stop making Lenten promises, even simple ones like giving up ice cream or candy, for fear of accidentally breaking my promise and being punished by God.

It’s important to note that all of these questions and obsessions still center around the “rightness” of the relationship. In other words, the ROCD sufferer finds him- or herself constantly trying to determine whether his or her partner is “The One'' and to establish this as a fact, with a hundred percent certainty, since OCD comes down to an extraordinary discomfort with uncertainty.

OCD is a shape-shifter, and as one of our favorite authors, Katie d’Ath, has said it has a way of convincing you that it’s not really OCD. So, often, when dealing with an intrusive thought, one might be tempted to treat it as if it wasn’t just that--an obsession, a thought, but instead as something of paramount importance. When the intrusive thought is of a new character or content, it’s easy for the OCD to disguise itself and one of its many disguises is the question, What if I don’t actually have OCD and I’m just lying to myself?

Then I got on the OCD Center of Los Angeles website, almost by accident--I had been googling a description of this behavior and it was one of the top results--, and there I read for the first time about Relationship Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. I have to admit, I felt somewhat relieved. This meant, to me, in my love-addled mind, that there was a chance he truly loved me.

Examples of ROCD’s manifestations include: - Wondering if one is truly compatible with one’s partner - Wondering if one might be missing out on a relationship with someone who they would be more compatible with - Wondering if one is leading one’s partner on - Wondering if one’s partner is more “in love” than oneself - Wondering if one is truly attracted to one’s partner - Perceiving mild negative feelings, such as irritation with one’s partner, as a sign that the relationship isn’t right - Comparing one’s relationship to those of one’s peers, or to those found in movies, TV, and books - Obsessively comparing one’s partner to other people - Nitpicking the personality or appearance of one’s partner, or questioning their intelligence There are of course many more manifestations, but this should provide a decent overview

When we lose the right to be different, we lose the privilege to be free. Freedom