Edith Eva Eger Quotes

To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. And to trust that there is enough, that you are enough.

...By the time I would finish school I'll be fifty? He smiled. "You're going to be fifty anyhow

Answer the most important questions at the start of any journey towards freedom: What am I doing now? Is it working? Is it bringing me closer to my goals, or farther away?

Time doesn’t heal. It’s what you do with the time.

Just remember, no one can take away from you what you've put in your own mind.

How easily a life can become a litany of guilt and regret, a song that keeps echoing with the same chorus, with the inability to forgive ourselves. How easily the life we didn’t live becomes the only life we prize. How easily we are seduced by the fantasy that we are in control, that we were ever in control, that the things we could or should have doneor said have the power, if only we had done or said them, to cure pain, to erase suffering, to vanish loss. How easily we can cling to – worship – the choice we think we could or should have made.

You can't change what happened, you can't change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now. My precious, you can choose to be free.

To forgive is to grieve—for what happened, for what didn't happen—and to give up the need for a different past. To accept life as it was and it is.

Things aren't important, but beauty is.

So often when we are unhappy it is becasue we are taking too much responsibility or we are taking too little. Instead of being assertive and choosing clearly for ourselves, we might become aggressive (choosing for others) or passive (letting others choose for us), or passive-aggressive (choosing for others by preventing them from achieving what they are choosing for themselves).

Now, on the eve of my return to prison, I remind myself that each of us has and Adolf Hitler and a Corrie ten Boom within us. We have the capacity to hate and the capacity to love. Which one we reach for–our inner Hitler or inner ten Boom–is up to us.

.... when we force our truths and stories into hiding, secrets can become their own trauma, their own prison. Far from diminishing pain, whatever we deny ourselves the opportunity to accept becomes as inescapable as brick walls and steel bars. When we don't allow ourselves to grieve our losses, wounds and disappointments, we are doomed to keep reliving them.

Maybe every childhood is the terrain on which we try to pinpoint how much we matter and how much we don’t, a map where we study the dimensions and the borders of our worth.

How easily we can make even the warmth and safety of family into a kind of prison. We rely on our old coping mechanisms. We become the person we think we need to be to please others.

I could not help thinking of how we try so hard, with our natural parental instinct, to save our children from pain and suffering, but when we do, we rob them of their ability to grow and learn from adversity. I recalled psychologist and Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger saying that the spoiled, pampered children were the first to die at Auschwitz. They kept waiting for others to come save them, and when no one came, they gave up. They had not learned how to save themselves.

What happened can never be forgotten and can never be changed. But over time I learned that I can choose how to respond to the past. I can be miserable, or I can be hopeful - I can be depressed, or I can be happy. We always have that choice, that opportunity for control

Maybe to heal isn't to erase the scar, or even to make the scar. To heal is to cherish the wound. p225

Cand ai ceva de demonstrat, nu esti liber.

Si sobrevivo hoy, mañana seré libre.

Quiero gozar de mi cuerpo mientras aún lo tenga.

No arruines tu espíritu, enciéndelo como una antorcha.

Y hasta qué encontramos nuestra libertad, no hacemos más que dar vueltas alrededor de la oscuridad eterna.

No reconozco inmediatamente esa sensación. Entonces recuerdo. Eso es lo que se siente al ser feliz.

Ayúdame a vivir otra vez.

But a diagnosis is not a cure. I don't know what to do with Eric's voice now, the remembered syllables, the hope.

Even rest is fragile. I am afraid all the time. I am afraid of what has already happened. And of what could happen.

To be passive is to let others decide for you. To be aggressive is to decide for others. To be assertive is to decide for yourself. In myths, nothing good comes from gloating. You have to let the gods maintain the image of their singular power. I did not yet know that nightmares know no geography, that guilt and anxiety wander borderless. It is a reflex to expect the bad with the good. I don't know what fears kept hidden only grow more fierce. I don't know that my habits of pretending are only making us worse. Maybe moving forward also meant circling back. There are always two worlds. The one that I choose and the one that I deny, which inserts itself without my permission. To change our behavior, we must change our feelings and to change our feelings, we must change our thoughts. Freedom is bout choice - about choosing compassion, humor, optimism, intuition, curiosity and self-expression. To be free is to live in the present. When you have something to prove, you are not free. When we grieve, it's not just over what happened - we grieve for what didn't happen. You can't heal what you can't feel. It's easier to hold someone or something else responsible for your pain than to take responsibility for ending your own victimhood. Our painful experiences aren't a liability, they are a gift. They give us perspective and meaning, an opportunity to find our unique purpose and our strength. One of the proving grounds for our freedom is in how we relate to our loved ones. There is no forgiveness without rage. But to ask "why" is to stay in the past, to keep company with our guilt and regret. We can't control other people and we can't control the past. You can't change what happened, you can't change what you did or what was done to you. But you can choose how you live now.

Jason and I would always be what every person is, someone who will bear suffering. We can't erase the pain. But we are free to accept who we are and what has been done to us, and move on. p200

Cand jelim, nu o facem doar pentru ce s-a petrecut deja- ci jelim pentru ce nu s-a petrecut. Tineam in mine un an de oroare. Si mai tineam un loc gol, neocupat, vasta intunecime a vietii care n-a fost sa fie vreodata.

Timpul nu vindeca. Ci ceea ce faci tu cu timpul. Vindecarea este posibila cand alegem sa ne asumam responsabilitatea, cand alegem sa ne asumam riscuri si, in cele din urma, cand alegem sa ne eliberam de rani, sa lasam deoparte trecutul sau durerea.

Memoria este teritoriu sacru. Dar este si teritoriul bantuit. Este locul in care furia mea, vina si jalea se rotesc precum pasari infometate ciugulind aceleasi si aceleasi oase vechi de hoit. Este locul in care caut raspunsul la intrebarea de neraspuns: "De ce am supravietuit?

The irony of freedom is that it is harder to find hope and purpose. Now i must come to terms with the fact that anyone i marry won't know my parents. If i ever have children, they won't know their grandparents. It isn't just my own loss that hurts. It's the way it ripples out into the future.

He had acted in alignment with a higher purpose: to combat racism, to protect human dignity. In defending his own humanity, he protected everyone's. He paved a way for all of us to live in keeping with our moral truth and ideals. Doing what is right is rarely the same as doing what is safe. p255

But we can't spend our lives hanging out under someone else's umbrella and then complain that we're getting wet. A good definition of being a victim is when you keep the focus outside yourself, when you look outside yourself for someone to blame for your present circumstances, or to determine your purpose, fate, or worth.

Furia, oricat de mult ne-ar consuma, nu este niciodata cea mai importanta emotie. Este doar o limita impinsa mult la extrem, stratul foarte subtire si cel mai expus al unui sentiment mult mai profund. Iar sentimentul real pe care il mascheaza aceasta furie este de obicei frica. Si nu poti simti iubirea si frica in acelasi timp.

Ma tem ca tuturor ni se intampla lucruri rele. Asta nu se va schimba niciodata. Daca te uiti in certificatul de nastere, oare vezi scris acolo ca viata o sa-ti fie usoara? Nu scrie asa ceva. Dar atat de multi raman blocati in trauma sau suferinta, incapabili sa-si traiasca viata din plin. Acesta este lucrul pe care il putem schimba.

Atat de des suntem nefericiti pentru ca ne asumam prea multa sau prea putina responsabilitate. In loc sa fim asertivi si sa alegem ferm pentru noi insine, este posibil sa devenim agresivi (sa alegem pentru altii) sau pasivi (sa-i lasam pe altii sa aleaga pentru noi) ori pasivi-agresivi (sa alegem pentru altii prin a-i impiedica sa primeasca ceea ce aleg ei insisi).

A ierta inseamna a jeli- ce s-a intamplat si ce nu s-a intamplat - si a renunta la nevoia unui trecut diferit. A accepta viata asa cum a fost si asa cum este. Sigur, nu vreau sa spun ca este acceptabil ca Hitler a ucis sase milioane de oameni. Ci ca s-a intamplat si ca nu vreau ca acest lucru sa distruga viata de care m-am agatat si pentru care am luptat impotriva oricaror sanse de reusita.

Cel mai mult dintre noi isi doresc un dictator- dar unul binevoitor -, asa ca putem sa aruncam pisica si sa spunem: "Tu m-ai pus. Nu este vina mea". Dar ne putem petrece viata depinzand de umbrela altcuiva si apoi sa ne plangem ca ne-a udat ploaia. O buna definitie a victimei este mentinerea concentrarii in afara propriei persoane, cautarea in exterior a cuiva pe care sa dai vina pentru imprejurarile curente sau pentru determinarea obiectivului, destinului sau valorii tale.

I also learned how to read my patients' body language and how to use my own body language to communicate my unconditional love and acceptance. I don't cross my arms or my legs- I open myself. I make eye contact, I lean forward, I create a bridge between myself and my patients so that they know I am with them 100 percent. I mirror my patients' states (if they want to sit quietly, I sit quietly too; if they want to rage and scream, I scream with them; I adapt my language to my patients' language) as a sign of total acceptance. p172

Korábban azt gondoltam: ki kell lépnem ebből a házasságból, különben meghalok. És talán éppen ezek a külön töltött hónapok és évek segítettek nekem abban, hogy felismerjem: mindaddig nem létezhet a mi, amíg az én nem létezik. Most, hogy már egy kicsit jobban szembenéztem magammal, látom, hogy a házasságunkban érzett üresség nem azt jelezte, hogy a kapcsolatunkkal van valami baj; valójában bennem tátongott ez az űr, amelyet a mai napig is mamaban hordozok, és amit sem ember, sem bármiféle teljesítmény nem tud sohase betölteni. A szüleim és a gyermekkorom elvesztéséért soha semmi nem fog kárpótolni. És a szabadságomért senki más nem felelős. Csakis én.

The self-defeating behaviors first emerged as useful behaviors, things they did to satisfy a need, usually the need for one of the As: approval, affection, attention. Once patients can see why they developed a certain behavior (belittling others, attaching oneself to angry people, eating too little, eating too much, etc.), they can take responsibility for whether or not they maintain the behavior. They can choose what to give up (the need for approval, the need to go shopping, the need to be perfect, etc.) - because even freedom doesn't come for free! And they can learn to take better care of themselves and to discover self-acceptance: Only I can do what I can do the way I can do it. p173

Daca ar trebui sa-mi denumesc stilul de terapie as numi-o, probabil, Terapia Alegerii, fiindca libertatea este despre ALEGERE- despre alegerea compasiunii, a umorului, optimismului, intuitiei, curiozitatii si a exprimarii de sine. Si despre a fi liber si a trai in prezent. Daca ramanem blocati in trecut, spunand: "Macar daca as fi mers acolo, in loc sa raman aici..." sau "Macar daca m-as fi maritat cu altcineva...", atunci inseamna ca traim in inchisoare din proprie vointa. Cam la fel cum ar fi sa traim in viitor, spunand: "N-o sa fiu fericit pana la absolvirea scolii..." sau "N-o sa fiu fericit pana cand nu gasesc persoana potrivita". Singurul lucru unde ne putem exersa libertatea de alegere este prezentul.

Propria-mi cautare a libertatii si anii de experienta ca psiholog clinician m-au invatat ca suferinta este universala. Dar "victimitatea" este optionala. Exista o diferenta intre victimizare si "victimitate". De-a lungul vietii, am fost cu totii victimizati intr-un fel sau altul. La un moment dat, am suferit un soi de mahnire, nenorocire sau abuz, provocate de imprejurari, oameni sau institutii asupra carora n-am avut nici cel mai mic control. Asa e viata. Si asa e victimizarea. Vine din exterior, sub forma vecinului agresiv, a sefului furios, a sotului bataus, a iubitului infidel, a legii descriminatorii si a accidentului care te baga in spital. In opozitie, "victimitatea" vine din interior. Nimeni nu te poate face victima in afara de tine. Devenim victime nu din cauza a ceea ce ni se intampla, ci din cauza a ceea ce alegem sa pastram din victimizarea noastra. Dezvoltam o minte de victima - un mod de a gandi si de a fi rigid, acuzator, pesimist, blocat in trecut, neiertator, punitiv si fara limite sau granite sanatoase. Devenim proprii nostri temniceri cand acceptam hotarele mintii de victima.

Daca am inteles ceva din acea dupa-amiaza, despre intreaga mea viata, a fost ca uneori cele mai rele momente ale existentei noastre, momentele care ne fac sa rumegam in minte cele mai urate dorinte, care ameninta sa ne desprinda de imposibilitatea reala a durerii pe care trebuie s-o induram, sunt de fapt momentele care ne conduc spre intelegerea propriei valori. Este ca si cand am deveni constienti de noi insine ca de o punte intre tot ce a fost si tot ce va fi. Devenim constienti de tot ce am primit si ce putem alege - sau nu- ori de ceea ce perpetuam. Este ca un vertij, incitant si terifiant, trecutul si viitorul inconjurandu-ne ca un canion vast, dar peste care putem trece. Asa mici cum suntem in marea schema a universului si a timpului, fiecare reprezinta un mecanism micut care face ca toata aceasa roata sa se invarteasca. Si ce vom alimenta cu roata propriei noastre vieti? Vom impinge acelasi piston al pierderii sau regretului? Vom reangaja si vom reactiva toate suferintele din trecut? Ii vom abandona pe cei pe care-i iubim ca o consecinta a abandonului de sine? Ii vom face pe copiii nostri sa plateasca pentru pierderile noastre? Sau vom lua ce-i mai bun din ce stim si vom lasa o noua recolta sa creasca pe campia vietii noastre?

As the Dalai Lama was speaking, I could not help thinking of how we try so hard, with our natural parental instinct, to save our children from pain and suffering, but when we do, we rob them of their ability to grow and learn from adversity. I recalled psychologist and Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger saying that the spoiled, pampered children were the first to die at Auschwitz. They kept waiting for others to come save them, and when no one came, they gave up. They had not learned how to save themselves.

Maybe moving forward also meant circling back.

Stress is the body’s response to any demand for change.

Did you know that all that time you spent alone as a child, feeling so sad and isolated, you were building a huge store of strength and resilience? Can you applaud that little girl now? Can you take her in your arms? Tell her “you were hurt, and I love you. You were hurt, and you’re safe now. You had to had to pretend and hide. I see you now. I love you now.

I recalled psychologist and Auschwitz survivor Edith Eva Eger saying that the spoiled, pampered children were the first to die at Auschwitz. They kept waiting for others to come save them, and when no one came, they gave up. They had not learned how to save themselves.

Csak arra emlékezz: senki sem veheti el tőled azt, amit a fejedbe raksz. Nem dönthetünk úgy, hogy eltüntetjük a sötétséget, de fényt gyújthatunk benne.

Nem tudod megváltoztatni, ami történt, nem tudod megváltoztatni azt, amit tettél, vagy amit tettek veled. Drágám, dönthetsz úgy, hogy szabad leszel.

There is no hierarchy of suffering. There's nothing that makes my pain worse or better than yours.

Our future is the sum of an equation that is part intention and part circumstance. And our intentions could shift. Or split.

Freedom lies in examining the choices available to us and examining the consequences of those choices. The more choices you have, the less you’re going to feel like a victim.

When we seek revenge, even nonviolent revenge, we are revolving, not evolving.