Dungeon Crawler Carl New Achievement Quotes

New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up. Reward: You’ve received a Bronze Weapon Box!

New achievement! War Criminal. You have killed more than 20 non-combatants in a single attack! Question: What’s the only thing standing between an innocent child and a happy, fulfilling life? Answer: You. The answer is you. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Asshole’s Box!

New Achievement! This little piggy made a boom boom! You deployed a bomb with the supple, curved sole of your foot. You took your perfectly-perfect, 30.004861 centimeter-long right foot and compressed it against an explosive device—a device named after me no less—and you gave it a naughty little shove before you pushed it out the door and detonated it. You killed them. You killed them all for your daddy.

New Achievement! You read a book! You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall! Reward: You get to read the next book!

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated, non-sapient enemy. That enemy then fought against other enemies to your benefit. The ghost of Steve Irwin smiles down upon you. Reward: I SAID THE GHOST OF STEVE IRWIN SMILES DOWN UPON YOU.

New Achievement! Sex Pervert! A nipple ring? Really? The next thing you know, you’ll be waxing your perineum and attending those parties where you have to put your keys in a bowl. You’ll have to grow out your sideburns, buy a Trans Am, and you’ll no longer be able to make eye contact with your child’s orthodontist. Reward: Whores don’t get rewards.

The next achievement came in the AI’s creepy, I’m-touching-myself-and-smoking-a-cigarette voice. New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple!

New achievement! Boss Babe.

New achievement! This Little Piggy Went to Market! Oh yeah, baby. You have killed more than five opponents during boss battles using your bare feet. You are making daddy very, very happy.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box. You’re not going to break me. Fuck you all. I will break you.

New achievement! Boom! You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit. Reward: You’ve received a Silver Goblin Box!

New Achievement! Mass Casualty Event. Okay. Calm your man-tiddies. Did your mother not love you? Is your god promising you unlimited handjobs in heaven or something? You planted and then detonated an improvised explosive device within an urban population center that resulted in more than 250 non-mob casualties. You’ve done this a few times now, but this was a big one. And on purpose. You really know how to paint the town red. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum Asshole’s Box. “Damnit,” I growled. That meant we’d killed more than 200 NPCs.

New achievement! Mentally Unstable Clothing Hoarder! You have over 500 of the exact same, stackable clothing item in your inventory. What the hell is wrong with you? You planning on opening a thrift store? You might want to see a shrink. One that your group doesn’t immediately kill. Reward: We don’t reward this sort of behavior. It’s weird.

New Achievement! Total, Utter Failure. You failed a quest less than five minutes after you received it. Now that’s talent. Reward: Ha.

New achievement! You’ve inflicted damage on a mob. Hopefully it won’t hit back! Reward: It’s probably going to hit back.

New achievement! Fall into an obvious trap. Reward: Well, if there’s a heaven, and if you haven’t been too much of an asshole, maybe they’ll let you in. Because you about to meet your maker.

New achievement! Why aren’t you wearing pants?

New achievement! You’ve killed an armed mob with your bare fucking hands! Holy crap, dude. That’s kinda fucked up.

New achievement! You’ve entered a guildhall! Congratulations. You know how to open doors. Reward: That sense of fulfillment you feel? That’s reward enough.

New Achievement! Janet Jackson’s Nipple! You have been featured during a live special event. Sure you got your loyal followers and viewers, but this is on a whole new level. This is like getting to play the halftime show during the Super Bowl. We brought you to the stage, now dance for us, monkey. Dance!

New Achievement! Smushed for Daddy.

New Achievement! You read a book! You managed to make it all the way through the first Dungeon Crawler Carl book without throwing it against the wall! Reward: You get to read the next book! And great news, folks. The next book has clowns and dead hookers in it!

New Achievement! Bitchmeat! You’ve been attacked by a fellow crawler in a safe zone, and the system has been forced to save your ass. That usually suggests you’re either really annoying, or you snore. If this were a prison, you would now be my bitch. Wait… Reward: Bitches don’t get rewards.

New Achievement! You’re the reason why daddy drinks! You have, for an unspecified reason, raised the ire of the System AI. You have corrected the issue, and everything is back to normal. The acceleration action has been suspended. This time. Good boy. Reward: You’ve received a Gold Makeup Sex is the Best Sex box.

New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial, courts and lawyers had to get involved. The end result was *my* decision being overturned. Reward: You’ve received a Platinum It’s Not My Fault You Fish-Headed Assholes Don’t Properly Program Your Quests Box.

New achievement! Trailblazing Crazy Cat Lady. You are the first crawler to have entered to the World Dungeon accompanied by a cat. You must really love that thing. Too bad you’re both probably going to die a horrible death at any moment. Or maybe not. Look at the prize you just received! Reward: You’ve received a Legendary Pet Box!

New Achievement! Crab Chowder! You jerked off a crab. You really need therapy. Reward: All food items in your food boxes now have the option to be served “chowder style.” “What the fuck?” I said up to the ceiling. “I didn’t do that! And what the hell does that even mean?

New achievement! PETA Enthusiast! You somehow managed to remove the hostility of an aggravated

New Achievement! Sex Pervert! A nipple ring? Really? The next thing you know

New achievement! Boom! You’ve caused a wall-shaking explosion within the dungeon! The last time the walls shook like this was when your mom came over for a visit.

Entering the Penis Parade. I took another step, and a second notification flashed across my interface. New Achievement! “We Want Meat! We Want Meat!” Thunder Down Under. Magic Mike. Chippendales. While the female burlesque and peepshow has a long, interesting history going back centuries, the all-male revue as an attraction is a relatively recent phenomenon in your culture. It wasn’t until the disco era did some entrepreneurs start to realize that packs of women were a valid demographic in the lucrative art of taking money from horny people. Take a physically gifted, steroid-enhanced male, give him some dancing lessons, teeth whitening strips, a shower, a banana, a Guns-N-Roses CD, and an entire bottle of baby oil, and then you basically plop him into the equivalent of the inside of a female restroom at a nightclub, and you got yourself a money-making empire.

New Achievement! Yellow-Bellied Chickenshit! You initiated a boss battle

New achievement! Two Chicks at the Same Time.

New achievement! I’m on a train! Choo Choo, Motherfucker.

New Achievement! Soft Vore! You got eaten by a monster much bigger than yourself

New achievement! You’ve killed a mob! You’re a murderer! He probably had a family!

New Achievement! Cuck Aquaman! You got fucked by a fish. You’ve done something so spectacularly controversial