Dungeon Crawler Carl Donut Quotes

Goddammit Donut!

Donut: I’M JUST GLAD IT DIDN’T KEEP US IN IOWA. DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD VOLUNTARILY VISIT IOWA? THAT’S ALMOST AS BAD AS DELAWARE.

Miss Beatrice once used scissors to get poop off my butt,” Donut said. “Uh huh,” I said. “Once?” “We’re having a moment here, Carl. Don’t ruin it.

But then they’ll just run away,” Donut said. “I’d run away if some crazy guy showed up at game night and pulled out a gun and said, ‘Let’s play Russian Roulette instead of spin the bottle.

Sergeant-at-Arms. “Well, that’s a lie, now isn’t it? It should just be Sergeant-at-Arm, not arms,” Donut quipped. “The next time we see him, I hope you rip his other arm off, Carl. Then he’ll just be a Sergeant.

The moment I pulled his head through the hole, Donut snapped off the spell. I let go, and the severed head dropped to the ground, mouth still open wide. “What was that, bitch? I didn’t quite get that last part,” I said.

At least you two are back together now,” Donut said. “And you got a nice box out of it. I know you find it unpleasant, Carl. But you being stubborn about this is causing everything to be more dangerous. We have to kill these things anyway, so if the AI wants you to kill in a certain way, I don’t see why it matters. This is just like one of those agility courses that Miss Beatrice used to insist I complete at all the regional cat shows. I did not like doing it, and I never ribboned of course, but I knew if I did well, I would get an extra brushing that evening. We are all prostitutes in one way or another, I suppose.

Donut had come out of nowhere, knocking the flour, milk, and egg off the counter, splattering everything onto the floor. She then turned to run, touched the very edge of the hot burner on the oven, yowled, rocketed into the air, and then landed on the floor, covering herself with a little bit of everything while she did that Scooby-Doo scramble in the slippery mess, everything flying everywhere while her legs pumped several times before she actually moved.

What’s a prime number?” Donut asked, speaking for the first time. “It’s a math thing,” I said. “You learn about them in fourth or fifth grade, and then you don’t need to know about it ever again unless you become a mathematician. Or a math teacher.

They say the sincerest form of flattery is when someone copies you.” Donut scoffed. “No, Carl. That’s just something thieves say to make themselves feel better about stealing other people’s stuff. The sincerest form of flattery is when people cry when they meet you.

I spent the next five minutes watching Donut attempt to talk the dinosaur into walking onto the treadmill. I’d just watched the pet plunge headfirst into a 13-foot-tall undead zombie frittata, but the idea of getting clean appeared to terrify him.

A new card appeared in my hand. It was Alpha Male Carl. I hadn’t wanted to put him in the deck, but it was either him or Frank, and Donut decided he would be the better choice. We’d been a totem short after Donut used Golden Combo to temporarily fuse Lazarus with Skylar Spinach and then added Ren’s other consumable card, Glow Up, to make the combination permanent. The stronger versions of Asojano and Uzi Jesus made it a great, powerful combo, especially since we’d be allowed to bring a single card with us onto the next floor. But none of that mattered right now. Right now, I needed to get this damn crab to jerk off into the ocean.

Apito warns us of the great beast who yearns to unravel the heavens and kill all the gods. And now this great deceiver, this devourer of all that is holy, has a name. She is Donut, the Oak Fell, the death upon us all. She who ends.

Grandma Sticky?” Donut asked. “Your mother-in-law’s name is Grandma Sticky? And your wife is named Snail Trail?

Donut: DON’T EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. I THOUGHT YOU’D BEEN SQUISHED.

Zev had messaged us earlier and reminded us that our normal appearance on Odette’s show was canceled. Zev still spoke to us in her robotic, Stepford Wife voice, but Donut had greeted her cheerfully and no longer seemed concerned about her condition. There was more going on there, but I couldn’t ask her about it.

When each of us drank the Dolores Doesn’t Splat potion, it had the following effects: First, we actually sped up. Our five seconds to impact turned to two seconds. And when each of us hit the ground, our bodies temporarily softened the surface we were hitting, allowing us to penetrate deeper than normal. This had the effect of vaporizing the sand dunes we were hitting, and in Donut’s case, utterly demolishing the thorny devil mob she rocketed into.

Donut named the one with the facial piercings Rory and the other Lorelai.

You’ve been hit on twice now,” Donut said. “Once by a meth-addled goblin shaman and once by Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother. I can’t wait to see who you attract next. Five gold coins says it’s some sort of bog witch with a beard.

Those dogs sound just awful,” Donut said, her voice slurring. “Bitch-ass rottweilers. Almost as bad as cocker spaniels. Think they’re so smart.

I want you two up early. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.” “What’re we doing?” Donut asked. “Oh, it’s going to be amazing,” Mordecai said. “It’s going to be a day for the history books. It’ll be the first time you two do exactly what I tell you to do.

Donut: OH, HONEY. YOU USED TO BE A SEX DOLL. I’M QUITE CERTAIN YOU CAN HANDLE ALL MANNER OF INDIGNITY. Samantha: DON’T SLUT SHAME ME. I’M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER.

Oh shit, oh shit,” Louis said. “What’re we going to do? Cat, you gotta teleport us out!” “Cat?” Donut said. “I am Princess Donut, you buffoon!

Louis turned to Donut. “I had Juice Box do this Ursula thing once, you know, from Little Mermaid, and you wouldn’t believe how awesome it was.

Uh, do you know what Tina’s mother’s name is?” I asked. “It is Kiwi,” Prudence said. Donut gasped as I reached over and scratched Mongo’s head. “Hey, buddy. It looks like you banged Tina’s mom.

Donut: DON’T BE MEAN TO CARL, MORDECAI. HE DIDN’T DO IT ALONE. WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

Not that one, Carl. Up higher. And on the other side. If I’m going to be permanently disfigured further, it might as well be on the top right. And hurry it up and get it over with. The last thing we need is more Carl and Princess Donut sexy time fan snicks floating around.” “More?” I asked. “You know what, I don’t want to know. Okay, I’m going to count to three.

Oh sweetie,” Donut said. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let’s start over.” “Yeah, okay,” Pustule said. “We wouldn’t want anybody getting off on any feet.

I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?” “Don’t be crude, Carl.

Donut: PREPOTENTE DON’T BE MEAN TO KATIA. Rezan: Why does that cat always type in all caps? Donut: WHY DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER DRIBBLE YOU BACK OUT ONTO THE TRUCK STOP BATHROOM FLOOR, REZAN?

Donut told me about your dumbass idea to use one of your own bones or whatever to get out. People have bones for a reason, Carl.

They were all gone. All I had left in this world was right here. Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.

He’s not your child, Donut. He’s a pet. We don’t put our lives in danger for our pets.” I regretted it the moment the words came out of my mouth. Donut looked as if I’d slapped her.

Will you put my tree together?” Donut asked. “And maybe light my candle? Miss Beatrice used to light candles.

Anybody else want to try something?” Elle shouted. “You come for Donut or Carl, you come for all of us. I will freeze the blood in your veins and make your genitals shatter like glass!

Really, Katia,” Donut said, leaping to my shoulder. “If you need to borrow a sanitary napkin, just ask.

[ ​59​ ]​ Operation: Ruin consists of four separate offensives, followed by what Donut calls the “Coup De War Crime.

I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.

I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?

Whatever it gives you, you’ll probably need to train with it for a bit.” “Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.” “What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed. “That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordecai said, grinning. “Here we go,” I said as I popped the cork off.

Goddamnit, Donut.

Donut took one look at the vehicle-in-progress and said, “I’ve decided to name it the Royal Chariot.” She flipped her tail and exited the room astride Mongo, following Mordecai. “What the hell, man,” I said as the tooltip popped up over the unfinished vehicle. It didn’t yet have a description, but the system suddenly labeled it The Royal Chariot - Contraption

Donut: HE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT STINK, BUT HE ACTUALLY SMELLS QUITE NICE. LIKE CEDAR MIXED WITH ACORNS. YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW A GIFTSHOP IN AN EXPENSIVE MOUNTAIN RETREAT WOULD SMELL. DO YOU THINK HE’D BE MAD IF I CALLED HIM ‘POPS?’ HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WHO’D BE CALLED POPS. BOOMER DOESN’T FIT HIM AT ALL. BOOMER SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF SOMEONE WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW SELLS ALUMINUM SIDING. DO YOU THINK HE EVER LIGHTS THAT DISGUSTING CIGAR? BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT.

I laughed. “Nobody is starting a harem.” “No, I suppose not,” Donut said. “You couldn’t even keep one woman interested.

Yo. Donut told me we sometimes get snacks,” Ferdinand said. He remained up on the counter. “I’m looking, Zev. But you know what I’m not seeing? Snacks.