Dungeon Crawler Carl Donut Quotes

Goddammit Donut!

They say the sincerest form of flattery is when someone copies you.” Donut scoffed. “No, Carl. That’s just something thieves say to make themselves feel better about stealing other people’s stuff. The sincerest form of flattery is when people cry when they meet you.

I laughed. “Nobody is starting a harem.” “No, I suppose not,” Donut said. “You couldn’t even keep one woman interested.

Goddamnit, Donut,

Donut: I’M JUST GLAD IT DIDN’T KEEP US IN IOWA. DO I LOOK LIKE SOMEONE WHO WOULD VOLUNTARILY VISIT IOWA? THAT’S ALMOST AS BAD AS DELAWARE.

You keep destroying governmental buildings, Carl,” Donut said. “People are going to start thinking you have a problem with authority.

She looked up at me. “Viva la revolución, Carl.

Donut: OH, HONEY. YOU USED TO BE A SEX DOLL. I’M QUITE CERTAIN YOU CAN HANDLE ALL MANNER OF INDIGNITY. Samantha: DON’T SLUT SHAME ME. I’M GOING TO KILL YOUR MOTHER.

Hey, Donut. If we were back home, you’d finally be able to knock that vase off the high shelf.” “That thing was a menace, Carl. It was haunted.

Donut told me about your dumbass idea to use one of your own bones or whatever to get out. People have bones for a reason, Carl.

Donut: THIS MUSIC IS MAKING MY HEAD HURT. WHY CAN’T THEY PLAY SOMETHING GOOD? LIKE OASIS.

You tried to kill Katia you fucking bitch!” Donut cried. She blasted a full-strength Magic Missile right into Hekla’s face.

Look at how beautiful she is,” Donut whispered. “She’s like a vision of pure elegance.” “Yo,” Elle cried at the bartender. “Whose dick do I gotta suck to get another drink? Christ.

Donut: PREPOTENTE DON’T BE MEAN TO KATIA. Rezan: Why does that cat always type in all caps? Donut: WHY DIDN’T YOUR MOTHER DRIBBLE YOU BACK OUT ONTO THE TRUCK STOP BATHROOM FLOOR, REZAN?

They were all gone. All I had left in this world was right here. Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.

You know what, Carl? I’ve decided something,” Donut said, finally speaking. She released Mongo, who squawked and started investigating this strange, new world. “Yeah, Donut?” “I think they’re right about you. I think you’re crazy. Like, not a little weird crazy. Not guy who eats cereal without milk crazy. But crazy, crazy. Straitjacket crazy.” I took the cat into my lap, and then I pulled her to my chest. She purred heavily into my ear.

Sergeant-at-Arms. “Well, that’s a lie, now isn’t it? It should just be Sergeant-at-Arm, not arms,” Donut quipped. “The next time we see him, I hope you rip his other arm off, Carl. Then he’ll just be a Sergeant.

Miss Beatrice once used scissors to get poop off my butt,” Donut said. “Uh huh,” I said. “Once?” “We’re having a moment here, Carl. Don’t ruin it.

...goddammit Donut - Dungeon Crawler Carl (a lot)

You’re wearing a mask right now, Donut, and you don’t know how to remove it. That’s okay. You don’t need to. Not yet. That mask is protecting you.

Yo. Donut told me we sometimes get snacks,” Ferdinand said. He remained up on the counter. “I’m looking, Zev. But you know what I’m not seeing? Snacks.

Really, Katia,” Donut said, leaping to my shoulder. “If you need to borrow a sanitary napkin, just ask.

Donut: SHE DOESN’T EVEN USE A LITTERBOX, CARL. IT’S HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS.

You’re not my person anymore,” Donut added. “Carl is. He’s always been.

But then they’ll just run away,” Donut said. “I’d run away if some crazy guy showed up at game night and pulled out a gun and said, ‘Let’s play Russian Roulette instead of spin the bottle.

Donut took a breath and started to sing: “Good girl, good girl, you’re a good girl, my princess. “You’re like a root beer float. Oh yes, oh yes. “I’d take it all back and never let you win. I wouldn’t do it all over again. “I love you. I love you. I’m sorry, my princess. “All eyes on me. “All eyes on me.

Carl is very good at killing things, and he can be very clever about it sometimes, but he doesn’t do secret Asian man style murders.” “Agent,” I said. “What?” Donut asked. “It’s secret agent man. Not secret Asian man.

The moment I pulled his head through the hole, Donut snapped off the spell. I let go, and the severed head dropped to the ground, mouth still open wide. “What was that, bitch? I didn’t quite get that last part,” I said.

Donut: CARL IT IS ANOTHER VILE MURDERER. Carl: I don’t think so, not this time. Also, I know you don’t have to type in all caps. I’ve seen you do it before. It makes you sound like you are yelling. Donut: I AM YELLING CARL.

Apito warns us of the great beast who yearns to unravel the heavens and kill all the gods. And now this great deceiver, this devourer of all that is holy, has a name. She is Donut, the Oak Fell, the death upon us all. She who ends.

At least you two are back together now,” Donut said. “And you got a nice box out of it. I know you find it unpleasant, Carl. But you being stubborn about this is causing everything to be more dangerous. We have to kill these things anyway, so if the AI wants you to kill in a certain way, I don’t see why it matters. This is just like one of those agility courses that Miss Beatrice used to insist I complete at all the regional cat shows. I did not like doing it, and I never ribboned of course, but I knew if I did well, I would get an extra brushing that evening. We are all prostitutes in one way or another, I suppose.

Goddamnit, Donut.

Donut asked. “I’m not sure where you’re from, but the cultured amongst us no longer use corpses as icebreakers. Next time maybe just bring Carl a milkshake. He likes milkshakes.

I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?

I think my fans should have a name, wouldn’t that be great? Like the Princess Patrol or something.” I grunted. “How about the Donut Holes?” “Don’t be crude, Carl.

I wasn’t just going to abandon you, Carl,” Donut said. “Who do you think I am? Miss Beatrice?” “No,” I agreed. “You most definitely are not.

Wow,” Donut said. “Yours isn’t nearly that big. Or oily looking. And it doesn’t have that hat thing.

Donut: DON’T EVER DO THIS TO ME AGAIN. I THOUGHT YOU’D BEEN SQUISHED.

Will you put my tree together?” Donut asked. “And maybe light my candle? Miss Beatrice used to light candles.

I never considered myself a big fan of cats. But, if we’re being truthful here, I liked Donut. That cat did not give two shits about anybody or anything, and I could respect that.

Carl: Now you know how I feel when you type in all caps. Donut: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, CARL.

Grab the stick?” Donut shrieked. “What do you mean, grab the stick! Thumbs, Carl! Thumbs!

Oh sweetie,” Donut said. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let’s start over.” “Yeah, okay,” Pustule said. “We wouldn’t want anybody getting off on any feet.

Probably dead. There’s maybe five hunters in the non-saferoom pub near the center of town. Place called Cold Stone Creamery. Louis: I love that place. Donut: OMG NOBODY BLOW UP THE ICE CREAM SHOP.

Princess Donut has named your party The Royal Court of Princess Donut. Princess Donut has changed your title to Royal Bodyguard. Princess Donut has changed her title to Grand Champion Best in Dungeon.

If we die, I want you to know that I love you, Carl,” Donut said. “I don’t love you as much as I love Miss Beatrice, because she’s, you know, she’s my person. Or as much as I love Ferdinand. But I love you.

Oh, sweetie,” said Donut, “as amusing as I would find it to watch Carl here disappoint yet another woman, we’re on a schedule. Banging monster girls is not the narrative we’re going for with this story. Maybe next time.

You’ve been hit on twice now,” Donut said. “Once by a meth-addled goblin shaman and once by Abraham Lincoln’s grandmother. I can’t wait to see who you attract next. Five gold coins says it’s some sort of bog witch with a beard.

What’s a prime number?” Donut asked, speaking for the first time. “It’s a math thing,” I said. “You learn about them in fourth or fifth grade, and then you don’t need to know about it ever again unless you become a mathematician. Or a math teacher.

Donut looked back over her shoulder. “What? Are you scared of my butt or something? I’ll have you know it is glorious.” She waggled it at the elves, jingling the crupper that hung like a skirt across her backside. “This is an award-winning derriere!

I cast Heal on myself as I read her message a second time, confusion rising. Anton started moving toward Oshun’s shrine while Sister Ines and Paz tried to stop him. “You have to break his finger!” Donut yelled. “Goodness. Carl, look at his erection! Good for you, Anton!

Because Donut sounded like a helium-drunk cat being crushed by a steamroller when she attempted to sing, that was why. And even though she wasn’t that bad of a dancer, when it came to making a song emerge from that tone-deaf gullet of hers, her rhythm was that of a drunk, three-legged donkey trying to negotiate its way down a set of ice-covered stairs.

I didn’t have a true reason to get to Donut at this point. We had a new plan, and by going up the tower, I was wasting time. The fight was below, not up. But I had an overwhelming urge to get to her. We’d been separated for much too long, and it just wasn’t the same without her by my side. If this was where this was going to end, I couldn’t bear the thought of not having her with me.

Donut had come out of nowhere, knocking the flour, milk, and egg off the counter, splattering everything onto the floor. She then turned to run, touched the very edge of the hot burner on the oven, yowled, rocketed into the air, and then landed on the floor, covering herself with a little bit of everything while she did that Scooby-Doo scramble in the slippery mess, everything flying everywhere while her legs pumped several times before she actually moved.

Do you know who Cousin Oliver is, Carl?” Donut demanded, watching the display. “Was he that one cat with the really weird eye?” “No, Carl. That was my sister-cousin, Ginger Snap, and we don’t talk about her. Cousin Oliver was from The Brady Bunch. This thing is like that. Cousin Oliver. Scrappy Doo. Guppy on iCarly. April on Gilmore Girls.” She spat out that last one. “All late series additions. All attempts to add something new and cute and exciting to a perfectly good cast that ended up making everything worse.

A new card appeared in my hand. It was Alpha Male Carl. I hadn’t wanted to put him in the deck, but it was either him or Frank, and Donut decided he would be the better choice. We’d been a totem short after Donut used Golden Combo to temporarily fuse Lazarus with Skylar Spinach and then added Ren’s other consumable card, Glow Up, to make the combination permanent. The stronger versions of Asojano and Uzi Jesus made it a great, powerful combo, especially since we’d be allowed to bring a single card with us onto the next floor. But none of that mattered right now. Right now, I needed to get this damn crab to jerk off into the ocean.

Whatever it gives you, you’ll probably need to train with it for a bit.” “Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.” “What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed. “That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordecai said, grinning. “Here we go,” I said as I popped the cork off.

Donut took one look at the vehicle-in-progress and said, “I’ve decided to name it the Royal Chariot.” She flipped her tail and exited the room astride Mongo, following Mordecai. “What the hell, man,” I said as the tooltip popped up over the unfinished vehicle. It didn’t yet have a description, but the system suddenly labeled it The Royal Chariot - Contraption

Donut was being annoying,

I had to remind myself that these two guys were literally thousands of years old. They certainly didn’t act like it. Donut was right. They reminded me of a pair of dumb 18-year-olds who’d joined the Marines and didn’t know what the hell they’d just signed up for.

Katia: They are so drunk that if you cast your new fire wall spell anywhere in the room, their breath will likely ignite, and they will self-immolate. You probably wouldn’t get blamed for that. Donut: YOU ARE A GENIUS. I’M GOING TO TRY IT.

Stay next to Loita,” Robot Donut said. “Understood.” She turned her head to Loita and said, “Have you ever felt true cold? It comes soon for us all. It’s always waiting in the shadows.

Yes, Carl,” the potion bottle said, his voice deep and demonic. “Drink me. Drink me deep. Put me inside of you.” “What the shit?” I asked as Donut hissed. “That’s how you know it’s a good potion,” Mordecai said, grinning.

BUT IT’S OKAY BECAUSE I ALREADY GOT A NEW CLASS JUST FOR THIS FLOOR, AND IT IS GREAT. Carl: What did you get? Donut: I’LL TELL YOU BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE NOT TO GET MAD. KATIA SAYS YOU’RE GOING TO BE MAD. Carl: Donut. What did you pick? Donut: I’M A BARD! ISN’T IT GREAT! IT’S NOT A NECROBARD LIKE THEY OFFERED ME BEFORE, BUT IT’S BETTER. I’M A LEGENDARY DIVA. THAT’S WHAT THE CLASS IS CALLED. LEGENDARY DIVA. I SING! Carl: You sing.

Donut sniffed angrily. “Carl, if this turns into some weird, furry porn thing, I’m going to lose my absolute shit.

Wow,” Donut said, looking him up and down. “I wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating crackers.

Donut: TALKING SMACK IS MY SPECIAL TALENT.

Carl: Make sure you loot everything. You never know what might come in handy. Donut: WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE A PUN?

I just realized you’re the only boy here,” Donut said. “All these people, and there’s only one penis. You could start a harem. Like the guy on that Sister Wives television show.

Can you please stop shouting,” Donut said. “It upsets Mongo.” Mongo squawked in agreement. Carl: Now you know how I feel when you type in all caps. Donut: THAT’S NOT THE SAME THING, CARL.

But as much as I love him, I want you to know I love you and Donut more.

Turn off your hole, Donut.” “Really, Carl. You need to find a less offensive way to say that.

That was pretty awesome,” I said once it was clear we were safe from the sharks. “Go fuck yourself, Carl,” Donut said.

Louis turned to Donut. “I had Juice Box do this Ursula thing once, you know, from Little Mermaid, and you wouldn’t believe how awesome it was.

Not that one, Carl. Up higher. And on the other side. If I’m going to be permanently disfigured further, it might as well be on the top right. And hurry it up and get it over with. The last thing we need is more Carl and Princess Donut sexy time fan snicks floating around.” “More?” I asked. “You know what, I don’t want to know. Okay, I’m going to count to three.

Katia: Oh wow. The ball is bouncing up and down on its own with the beat. The ooze keeps trying to grab it, but it’s slipping away. Donut: IS THIS SERIOUSLY THE ONLY BASS-HEAVY SONG YOU COULD THINK OF? WHAT ABOUT LIL PUMP? Carl: Make the goddamn hole. Donut: THE BASS ISN’T EVEN THAT HEAVY. IT’S JUST BOUNCY. Carl: Goddamnit, Donut. We’re on the clock.

Donut: HE LOOKS LIKE HE MIGHT STINK, BUT HE ACTUALLY SMELLS QUITE NICE. LIKE CEDAR MIXED WITH ACORNS. YOU KNOW, LIKE HOW A GIFTSHOP IN AN EXPENSIVE MOUNTAIN RETREAT WOULD SMELL. DO YOU THINK HE’D BE MAD IF I CALLED HIM ‘POPS?’ HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE WHO’D BE CALLED POPS. BOOMER DOESN’T FIT HIM AT ALL. BOOMER SOUNDS LIKE THE NAME OF SOMEONE WHO PEAKED IN HIGH SCHOOL AND NOW SELLS ALUMINUM SIDING. DO YOU THINK HE EVER LIGHTS THAT DISGUSTING CIGAR? BECAUSE THAT WOULD JUST RUIN IT.

[ ​59​ ]​ Operation: Ruin consists of four separate offensives, followed by what Donut calls the “Coup De War Crime.

Donut beamed. “We’re going dancing tonight! It’s dirty Shirley time!

Part of me was proud that Katia had just rolled with us going missing. She’d gotten a lot done. She’d managed to get the whole house down to the land quadrant, and she’d figured out how to breach the magical door that guarded the front of the land quadrant castle. All without us. Firas told me that they would have finished with the castle already if Zev hadn’t asked Katia to wait for us. At the same time, part of me stung at the notion that she could do this without me. It was stupid. Selfish. And it was more than a little narcissistic to think that without me and Donut, Katia and the others were absolutely screwed. But that feeling was there, and I was simultaneously relieved that I’d been wrong and horrified I’d been thinking it in the first place. I still didn’t know if we’d get there in time, but Katia and the others’ actions while we were away proved that I wasn’t as indispensable as I thought. And in the end, I realized it was a necessary feeling. You’ll die in a gutter without me. You need me. You think you’re just going to be fine? What will you do, you disrespectful little shit? You will break after just one day. And then you’ll die. That’s what you’ll do. Just like your fucking bitch of a mother. I took a deep breath, clearing the memory away.

Sir!" the Crocodilian called. "I will get in trouble if management finds you down here! If you were anyone else, I'd bite your goddamned head off." "We're busy!" I called back. "We'll be out in a minute!" Then to Do- nut I said, "Can you say something to calm him down?" "Carl is pooping! He's almost done!" The Crocodilian's voice went up an octave. "In the hallway? Sir, this is not a bathroom! This is the skill guild hallway!" "Real helpful, Donut," I said.

From there, we went to the landing of the yellow line. The map here was identical to the map of the red line. The transit station numbers were the same, though the line itself was shaped differently, like a giant, upside-down fishhook. As I was looking at the map, the train pulled up. There were monsters on board. Not nearly as many as there’d been as the red line, but there were enough to give me pause. The train slid to a stop, and the door opened, revealing a squat, gray-skinned creature with no neck and a shark-like mouth and a pair of black, beady eyes. Wisps of black, oily hair dusted the top of the thing. The monster stood about four-and-a-half feet tall and wobbled on a pair of toothpick legs that seemed woefully unprepared for the job of holding up the creature’s corpulent, pig-like body. The monster held a wooden club filled with nails. It howled gibberish at us. Cave Mudge Bonker. Level 19. In the hierarchy of Cave Mudge society, the Bonker is about as high on the list as a commoner can get. These odd, war-like creatures are said to have once been a star-faring nation, but something happened to cause them to regress back to the stone age. Probably too much reality TV. Don’t let those skinny legs fool you. When these guys get to bonkin’, they can be pretty darn quick. There were four of them in this car. All up and down the long platform, I could see a few more scattered about the cars, their small eyes glaring at us from the windows. I caught sight of another monster, too. These were human-sized, red-maned snake creatures, like nagas with the heads of lions. They were too far away to get a description. Donut hit the Cave Mudge standing in the open door with a pair of magic missiles, and it fell over dead just as the doors started to slide closed. “Hey,” I said as the train rolled away. “I can’t believe that actually worked. We can get them, but they can’t get us.” “Let’s wait for the next train and shoot some more!” Donut said. “Guys,” Katia said as we waited for the next train. “I just told Hekla about this, and she said she and the others have been doing this all morning, racking up a

The path to the heavenly throne is rife with insult, great mistress Donut. This worm grovels and kowtows in your resplendent light. If there is someone out there who doesn’t recognize your brilliance, then surely they are blind to your vastness.” “Thank you, Raul.” She paused. “Wait, did you just call me fat?

I spent the next five minutes watching Donut attempt to talk the dinosaur into walking onto the treadmill. I’d just watched the pet plunge headfirst into a 13-foot-tall undead zombie frittata, but the idea of getting clean appeared to terrify him.

Donut: DON’T BE MEAN TO CARL, MORDECAI. HE DIDN’T DO IT ALONE. WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER.

He’s not your child, Donut. He’s a pet. We don’t put our lives in danger for our pets.” I regretted it the moment the words came out of my mouth. Donut looked as if I’d slapped her.

Grandma Sticky?” Donut asked. “Your mother-in-law’s name is Grandma Sticky? And your wife is named Snail Trail?

When each of us drank the Dolores Doesn’t Splat potion, it had the following effects: First, we actually sped up. Our five seconds to impact turned to two seconds. And when each of us hit the ground, our bodies temporarily softened the surface we were hitting, allowing us to penetrate deeper than normal. This had the effect of vaporizing the sand dunes we were hitting, and in Donut’s case, utterly demolishing the thorny devil mob she rocketed into.

Donut named the one with the facial piercings Rory and the other Lorelai.

I want you two up early. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.” “What’re we doing?” Donut asked. “Oh, it’s going to be amazing,” Mordecai said. “It’s going to be a day for the history books. It’ll be the first time you two do exactly what I tell you to do.

Those dogs sound just awful,” Donut said, her voice slurring. “Bitch-ass rottweilers. Almost as bad as cocker spaniels. Think they’re so smart.

Oh shit, oh shit,” Louis said. “What’re we going to do? Cat, you gotta teleport us out!” “Cat?” Donut said. “I am Princess Donut, you buffoon!

Uh, do you know what Tina’s mother’s name is?” I asked. “It is Kiwi,” Prudence said. Donut gasped as I reached over and scratched Mongo’s head. “Hey, buddy. It looks like you banged Tina’s mom.

I was also holding a crying, scratching, squirming, and spitting cat named Princess Donut the Queen Anne Chonk.

Donut: THIS IS RUINING MY FUR. AND IT’S HOT. I DON’T LIKE THIS, CARL. MONGO IS MISERABLE. Carl: Mongo is still in his container. You don’t know if he’s miserable or not.

It’s not Fireball,” Donut grumbled. “That’s what I really want.

Lootable Corpse. Bad Llama. Level 3. Killed by Crawler Grand Champion Best in Dungeon Princess Donut with an assist by Crawler Royal Bodyguard Carl. Poor Llama skin. Uncooked Llama steaks X2. Baggie of trailer park-grade meth X2.

Anybody else want to try something?” Elle shouted. “You come for Donut or Carl, you come for all of us. I will freeze the blood in your veins and make your genitals shatter like glass!

Donut leaned in. “Murder. Murder most foul.

jammed the button. “There sure were a lot of babies in there, too,” Donut said in that last moment before the blast.