β
Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My past is everything I failed to be.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.
β
β
Nora Sakavic (The Foxhole Court (All for the Game, #1))
β
I'd woken up early, and I took a long time getting ready to exist.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
There are ships sailing to many ports, but not a single one goes where life is not painful.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
We never love anyone. What we love is the idea we have of someone. It's our own conceptβour own selvesβthat we love.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I've always rejected being understood. To be understood is to prostitute oneself. I prefer to be taken seriously for what I'm not, remaining humanly unknown, with naturalness and all due respect
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I wasnβt meant for reality, but life came and found me.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My soul is impatient with itself, as with a bothersome child; its restlessness keeps growing and is forever the same. Everything interests me, but nothing holds me. I attend to everything, dreaming all the while. [β¦]. I'm two, and both keep their distance β Siamese twins that aren't attached.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My soul is a hidden orchestra; I know not what instruments, what fiddlestrings and harps, drums and tamboura I sound and clash inside myself. All I hear is the symphony.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I feel as if I'm always on the verge of waking up.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I've never done anything but dream. This, and this alone, has been the meaning of my life. My only real concern has been my inner life.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
We worship perfection because we can't have it; if we had it, we would reject it. Perfection is inhuman, because humanity is imperfect.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I suffer from life and from other people. I canβt look at reality face to face. Even the sun discourages and depresses me. Only at night and all alone, withdrawn, forgotten and lost, with no connection to anything real or useful β only then do I find myself and feel comforted.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
If I write what I feel, it's to reduce the fever of feeling. What I confess is unimportant, because everything is unimportant.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Ah, it's my longing for whom I might have been that distracts and torments me!
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Iβve dreamed a lot. Iβm tired now from dreaming but not tired of dreaming. No one tires of dreaming, because to dream is to forget, and forgetting does not weigh on us, it is a dreamless sleep throughout which we remain awake. In dreams I have achieved everything.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
To know nothing about yourself is to live. To know yourself badly is to think.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I'm sick of everything, and of the everythingness of everything.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
As he slipped the lock into place again he realized his hand was trembling. He held up his shaky fingers where he could see them better and wondered at the equally weak flutter in his chest.
Hope was a dangerous, disquieting thing, but he thought perhaps he liked it.
β
β
Nora Sakavic (The Foxhole Court (All for the Game, #1))
β
Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination and its contents, my personality - it's all evaporating. I continuously feel that I was someone else, that I felt something else, that I thought something else. What I'm attending here is a show with another set. And the show I'm attending is myself.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
In the first few seconds an aching sadness wrenched his heart, but it soon gave way to a feeling of sweet disquiet, the excitement of gypsy wanderlust
β
β
Mikhail Bulgakov
β
The essence of what I desire is simply this: to sleep away life.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Life is what we make of it. Travel is the traveler. What we see isn't what we see but what we are.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Friends: not one. Just a few acquaintances who imagine they feel something for me and who might be sorry if a train ran over me and the funeral was on a rainy day.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I don't know what I feel or what I want to feel. I don't know what to think or what I am.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa
β
I've always been an ironic dreamer, unfaithful to my inner promises.
Like a complete outsider, a casual observer of whom I thought I was,
I've always enjoyed watching my daydreams go down in defeat.
I was never convinced of what I believed in.
I filled my hands with sand, called it gold, and opened them up to let it slide through.
Words were my only truth.
When the right words were said, all was done; the rest was the sand that had always been.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I carry my awareness of defeat like a banner of victory.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
But do we really live? To live without knowing what life is - is that living?
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Life is an experimental journey undertaken involuntarily. It is a journey of the spirit through the material world and, since it is the spirit that travels, it is the spirit that is experienced. That is why there exist contemplative souls who have lived more intensely, more widely, more tumultuously than others who have lived their lives purely externally.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Having never discovered qualities in myself that might attract someone else, I could never believe that anyone felt attracted to me.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
The ugly and stupid have the best of it in this world. They can sit at their ease and gape at the play. If they know nothing of victory, they are at least spared the knowledge of defeat. They live as we all should live-- undisturbed, indifferent, and without disquiet. They never bring ruin upon others, nor ever receive it from alien hands. Your rank and wealth, Henry; my brains, such as they are-- my art, whatever it may be worth; Dorian Gray's good looks-- we shall all suffer for what the gods have given us, suffer terribly.
β
β
Oscar Wilde (The Picture of Dorian Gray)
β
And, like the great damned souls, I shall always feel that thinking is worth more than living.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Man shouldnβt be able to see his own face--thereβs nothing more sinister. Nature gave him the gift of not being able to see it, and of not being able to stare into his own eyes.
Only in the water of rivers and ponds could he look at his face. And the very posture he had to assume was symbolic. He had to bend over, stoop down, to commit the ignominy of beholding himself.
The inventor of the mirror poisoned the human heart.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
...the painful intensity of my sensations, even when they're happy ones; the blissful intensity of my sensations, even when they're sad.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Whether or not they exist we are slaves to our gods.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Humans β who enslave, castrate, experiment on, and fillet other animals β have had an understandable penchant for pretending animals do not feel pain. A sharp distinction between humans and 'animals' is essential if we are to bend them to our will, make them work for us, wear them, eat them β without any disquieting tinges of guilt or regret. It is unseemly of us, who often behave so unfeelingly toward other animals, to contend that only humans can suffer. The behavior of other animals renders such pretensions specious. They are just too much like us.
β
β
Carl Sagan
β
A disquieting loneliness came into my life, but it induced no hunger for friends of longer acquaintance: they seemed now like a salt-free, sugarless diet.
β
β
Truman Capote (Breakfast at Tiffanyβs and Three Stories)
β
In all of us there is a hunger, marrow-deep, to know our heritage- to know who we are and where we have come from. Without this enriching knowledge, there is a hollow yearning. No matter what our attainments in life, there is still a vacuum, an emptiness, and the most disquieting loneliness.
β
β
Alex Haley
β
Being tired of all illusions and of everything about illusions β the loss of illusions, the uselessness of having them, the prefatigue of having to have them in order to lose them, the sadness of having had them, the intellectual shame of having had them knowing that they would have to end this way.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My God, my God, whose performance am I watching? How many people am I? Who am I? What is this space between myself and myself?
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I asked for very little from life, and even this little was denied me. A nearby field, a ray of sunlight, a little bit of calm along with a bit of bread, not to feel oppressed by the knowledge that I exist, not to demand anything from others, and not to have others demand anything from me - this was denied me, like the spare change we might deny a beggar not because we're mean-hearted but because we don't feel like unbuttoning our coat.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Blessed are those who entrust their lives to no one.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
what has happened to us has happened to everyone or only us; if to everyone, then it's no novelty, and if only to us, then it won't be understood.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I know nothing and my heart aches
β
β
Fernando Pessoa
β
β¦to know how to think with emotions and to feel with intellectβ¦
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I don't mourn the loss of my childhood; I mourn because everything, including (my) childhood, is lost.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
There are metaphors more real than the people who walk in the street. There are images tucked away in books that live more vividly than many men and women. There are phrases from literary works that have a positively human personality. There are passages from my own writing that chill me with fright, so distinctly do I feel them as people, so sharply outlined do they appear against the walls of my room, at night, in shadows... I've written sentences whose sound, read out loud or silently (impossible to hide their sound), can only be of something that acquired absolute exteriority and a full-fledged soul.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
To write is to forget. Literature is the most agreeable way of ignoring life. Music soothes, the visual arts exhilarates, the performing arts (such as acting and dance) entertain. Literature, however, retreats from life by turning in into slumber. The other arts make no such retreatβ some because they use visible and hence vital formulas, others because they live from human life itself.
This isn't the case with literature. Literature simulates life. A novel is a story of what never was, a play is a novel without narration. A poem is the expression of ideas or feelings a language no one uses, because no one talks in verse.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
There are ships sailing to many ports, but not a single one goes to where life is not painful; nor is there a port of call where it is possible to forget.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My boredom with everything has numbed me.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Could it think, the heart would stop beating.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
And I have the others in me. Even when Iβm far away from them, I am forced to live with them. Even when Iβm all alone, crowds surround me. I have no place to flee to, unless I were to flee from myself.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
What can I expect from myself? My sensation in all their horrible acuity, and a profound awareness of feeling. A sharp mind that only destroys me, and an unusual capacity for dreaming to keep me entertained. A dead will and a reflection that cradles it, like a living child.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I realize that I was all error and deviation, that I never lived, that I existed only in so far as I filled time with consciousness and thought.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
What Hells and Purgatories and Heavens I have inside of me! But who sees me do anything that disagrees with life--me, so calm and peaceful?
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
It's been months since I last wrote. I've lived in a state of mental slumber, leading the life of someone else. I've felt, very often, a vicarious happiness. I haven't existed. I've been someone else. I've lived without thinking.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
There are moments in life, so monumental and still, that the memory can never be retrieved without a catch to the throat or an interruption to the beat of the heart. Can never be retrieved without the rumbling disquiet of how close that moment came to not having happened at all.
β
β
Sarah Winman (Still Life)
β
Life is full of paradoxes, as roses are of thorns.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
As I walk, I construct perfect sentences that I cannot remember later at home. I donβt know if the ineffable poetry of those sentences derived from what they were or from their never having been (written).
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
ΩΩ ΨΉΩΩΩ Ψ£Ω Ψ£ΨΉΩΩΩ ΩΨ’Ψ¨ΨͺΩΨ ΩΨ£Ψ¬Ω Ω
Ψ§Ψ°Ψ§Ψ Ψ·Ψ§ΩΩ
Ψ§ Ψ§ΩΨΉΩΩΩΨ© ΨͺΨͺΨ·ΩΨ¨ Ω
Ψ¬ΩΩΨ―Ψ§ΩΨ Ω
Ω ΩΩ ΨΨ²ΩΩ ΩΩΨ³ Ψ¨Ω
ΩΨ―ΩΨ±Ω Ψ¨Ψ°Ω ΩΨ°Ψ§ Ψ§ΩΩ
Ψ¬ΩΩΨ―.
β
β
ΩΨ±ΩΨ§ΩΨ―Ω Ψ¨ΩΨ³ΩΨ§ (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Everything is theater.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
And it's a disquieting thought that not even the past is done with, even that continues to change, as if in reality there is only one time, for everything, one time for every purpose under heaven. One single second, one single landscape, in which what happens activates and deactivates what has already happened in endless chain reactions, like the processes that take place in the brain, perhaps, where cells suddenly bloom and die away, all according to the way the winds of consciousness are blowing.
β
β
Karl Ove KnausgΓ₯rd (A Time for Everything)
β
Eternal tourists of ourselves, there is no landscape but what we are. We possess nothing, for we donβt even possess ourselves. We have nothing because we are nothing. What hand will I reach out, and to what universe? The universe isnβt mine: itβs me.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
In the ordinary jumble of my literary drawer, I sometimes find texts I wrote ten, fifteen, or even more years ago. And many of them seem to me written by a stranger: I simply do not recognize myself in them. There was a person who wrote them, and it was I. I experienced them, but it was in another life, from which I just woke up, as if from someone else's dream.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Life is whatever we conceive it to be.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Freedom is the possibility of isolation. You are free if you can withdraw from people, not having to seek them out for the sake of money, company, love, glory or curiosity, none of which can thrive in silence and solitude. If you can't live alone, you were born a slave. You may have all the splendours of the mind and the soul, in which case you're a noble slave, or an intelligent servant, but you're not free. And you can't hold this up as your own tragedy, for your birth is a tragedy of Fate alone. Hapless you are, however, if life itself so oppresses you that you're forced to become a slave. Hapless you are if, having been born free, with the capacity to be isolated and self-sufficient, poverty should force you to live with others.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I never had anyone I could call βMasterβ. No Christ died for me. No Buddha showed me the right path. In the depths of my dreams no Apollo or Athena appeared to me to enlighten my soul
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
To actβthat is true wisdom. I can be what I want to be, but I have to want whatever it is. Success consists in being successful, not in having the potential for success.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
pg.9 "In my heart there's a peaceful anguish, and my calm is made of resignation.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Everything I sought in life I abandoned for the sake of the search. I'm like one who absentmindedly looks for he doesn't know what, having forgotten it in his dreaming as the search got under way.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Life hurls us like a stone, and we sail through the air saying, "look at me move.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
My soul is a black maelstrom, a great madness spinning about a vacuum, the swirling of a vast ocean around a hole in the void, and in the waters, more like whirlwinds than waters, float images of all I ever saw or heard in the world: houses, faces, books, boxes, snatches of music and fragments of voices, all caught up in a sinister, bottomless whirlpool.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I'm the empty stage where various actors act out various plays.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I have at this moment so many fundamental thoughts, so many truly metaphysical things to say, that I suddenly get tired and decide not to write any more, not to think any more, but to allow the fever of speaking to make me sleepy, and with my eyes closed, like a cat, I play with everything I could have said.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
Let's buy books so as not to read them; let's go to concerts without caring to hear the music or see who's there; let's take long walks because we're sick of walking; and let's spend whole days in the country, just because it bores us.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
In overlooking, denying, evading this complexity--which is nothing more than the disquieting complexity of ourselves--we are diminished and we perish; only within this web of ambiguity, paradox, this hunger, danger, darkness, can we find at once ourselves and the power that will free us from ourselves. It is this power of revelation that is the business of the novelist, this journey toward a more vast reality which must take precedence over other claims.
β
β
James Baldwin (Notes of a native son)
β
Everything stated or expressed by man is a note in the margin of a completely erased text. From what's in the note we can extract the gist of what must have been in the text, but there's always a doubt, and the possible meanings are many.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
An uncertain evil causes anxiety because, at the bottom of one's heart, one goes on hoping till the last moment that it may not be true; a certain evil, on the other hand, instills, for a time, a kind of dreary tranquillity.
β
β
Alberto Moravia (Contempt)
β
In modern life the world belongs to the stupid, the insensitive and the disturbed. The right to live and triumph is today earned with the same qualifications one requires to be interned in a madhouse: amorality, hypomania and an incapacity for thought.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I'm always horrified whenever I finish anything. Horrified and desolate. My instinct for perfection should inhibit me from ever finishing anything; it should in fact inhibit me from ever beginning. But I become distracted and do things. My accomplishments are not the product of my applied will but a giving away of my will. I begin because I don't have the strength to think; I finish because I don't have soul enough to stop things. This book is my cowardice.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
For a long time now I haven't existed. I'm utterly calm. No one distinguishes me from who I am. I just felt myself breath as if I'd done something new, or done it late. I'm beginning to be conscious of being conscious. Perhaps tomorrow I will wake up to myself and resume the course of my existence. I don't know if that will make more happy or less. I don't know anything.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
After the rains departed the skies and settled on earth - clear skies; moist brilliant earth - greater clarity returned to life alone with the blue above and made the world below rejoice with the freshness of the recent rain. It left heaven in our souls and a freshness in our hearts.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I pray the tomb is shut forever," recited Harrowhawk, with the curious fervidity she always showed in prayer. " I pray the rock is never rolled away. I pray that which was buried remains buried, insensate, in perpetual rest, with closed eye and stilled brain. I pray it lives, I pray it sleeps ... I pray for the needs of the Emperor All-Giving, the Undying King, His Virtues and his men. I pray for the Second House, the Third, the Fourth, the Fifth; the Sixth, Seventh, and Eighth. I pray for the Ninth House, and I pray for it to be fruitful. I pray for the soldiers and adepts far from home, and all those parts of the Empire that live in unrest and disquiet. Let it be so.
β
β
Tamsyn Muir (Gideon the Ninth (The Locked Tomb, #1))
β
I had the same sensation as when we watch someone sleep. When asleep we all become children again. Perhaps because in the state of slumber we can do no wrong and are unconscious of life, the greatest criminal and most self-absorbed egotist are holy, by a natural magic, as long as they're sleeping. For me there's no discernible difference between killing a child and killing a sleeping man.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
We will live in this world, which for us has all the disquieting strangeness of the desert and of the simulacrum, with all the veracity of living phantoms, of wandering and simulating animals that capital, that the death of capital has made of usβbecause the desert of cities is equal to the desert of sandβthe jungle of signs is equal to that of the forestsβthe vertigo of simulacra is equal to that of natureβonly the vertiginous seduction of a dying system remains, in which work buries work, in which value buries valueβleaving a virgin, sacred space without pathways, continuous as Bataille wished it, where only the wind lifts the sand, where only the wind watches over the sand.
β
β
Jean Baudrillard (Simulacra and Simulation)
β
While I thus cogitate in disquiet and perplexity, half submerged in dark waters of a well in an Arabian oasis, I suddenly hear a voice from the background of my memory, the voice of an old Kurdish nomad: If water stands motionless in a pool it grows stale and muddy, but when it moves and flows it becomes clear: so, too, man in his wanderings. Whereupon, as if by magic, all disquiet leaves me. I begin to look upon myself with distant eyes, as you might look at the pages of a book to read a story from them; and I begin to understand that my life could not have taken a different course. For when I ask myself, 'What is the sum total of my life?' somthing in me seems to answer, 'You have set out to exchange one world for another-to gain a new world for yourself in exchange for an old one which you never really possessed.' And I know with startling clarity that such an undertaking might indeed take an entire lifetime.
β
β
Muhammad Asad
β
My hapless peers with their lofty dreams--how I envy and despise them! I'm with the others, the even more hapless, who have no-one but themselves to whom they can tell their dreams and show what would be verses if they wrote them. I'm with those poor slobs who have no books to show, who have no literature beside their own soul, and who are suffocating to death due to the fact that they exist without having taken that mysterious, transcendental exam that makes one eligible to live.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I met a lot of things on the way that astonished me. Tom Bombadil I knew already; but I had never been to Bree. Strider sitting in the corner at the inn was a shock, and I had no more idea who he was than had Frodo. The Mines of Moria had been a mere name; and of Lothloriene no word had reached my mortal ears till I came there. Far away I knew there were the Horselords on the confines of an ancient Kingdom of Men, but Fanghorn Forest was an unforeseen adventure. I had never heard of the House of Eorl nor of the Stewards of Gondor. Most disquieting of all, Saruman had never been revealed to me, and I was as mystefied as Frodo at Gandalf's failure to appear on September 22.
J.R.R. Tolkien, in a letter to W.H. Auden, June 7, 1955
β
β
J.R.R. Tolkien
β
Iβve always wanted to be liked. It grieved me that I was treated with indifference. Left an orphan by Fortune, I wantedβlike all orphansβto be the object of someoneβs affection. This need has always been a hunger that went unsatisfied, and so thoroughly have I adapted to this inevitable hunger that I sometimes wonder if I really feel the need to eat.
Whatever be the case, life pains me.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
I read and am liberated. I acquire objectivity. I cease being myself and so scattered. And what I read, instead of being like a nearly invisible suit that sometimes oppresses me, is the external worldβs tremendous and remarkable clarity, the sun that sees everyone, the moon that splotches the still earth with shadows, the wide expanses that end in the sea, the blackly solid trees whose tops greenly wave, the steady peace of ponds on farms, the terraced slopes with their paths overgrown by grape-vines.
β
β
Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
β
It might seem to you that living in the woods on a riverbank would remove you from the modern world. But not if the river is navigable, as ours is. On pretty weekends in the summer, this riverbank is the very verge of the modern world. It is a seat in the front row, you might say. On those weekends, the river is disquieted from morning to night by people resting from their work.
This resting involves traveling at great speed, first on the road and then on the river. The people are in an emergency to relax. They long for the peace and quiet of the great outdoors. Their eyes are hungry for the scenes of nature. They go very fast in their boats. They stir the river like a spoon in a cup of coffee. They play their radios loud enough to hear above the noise of their motors. They look neither left nor right. They don't slow down for - or maybe even see - an old man in a rowboat raising his lines...
I watch and I wonder and I think. I think of the old slavery, and of the way The Economy has now improved upon it. The new slavery has improved upon the old by giving the new slaves the illusion that they are free. The Economy does not take people's freedom by force, which would be against its principles, for it is very humane. It buys their freedom, pays for it, and then persuades its money back again with shoddy goods and the promise of freedom.
β
β
Wendell Berry (Jayber Crow)
β
Today, suddenly, I reached an absurd but unerring conclusion. In a moment of enlightenment, I realized that I'm nobody, absolutely nobody. When the lightning flashed, I saw that what I had thought to be a city was in fact a deserted plain and, in the same sinister light that revealed me to myself, there seemed to be no sky above it. I was robbed of any possibility of having existed before the world. If I was ever reincarnated, I must have done so without myself, without a self to reincarnate.
I am the outskirts of some non-existent town, the long-winded prologue to an unwritten book. I'm nobody, nobody. I don't know how to feel or think or love. I'm a character in a novel as yet unwritten, hovering in the air and undone before I've even existed, amongst the dreams of someone who never quite managed to breathe life into me.
I'm always thinking, always feeling, but my thoughts lack all reason, my emotions all feeling. I'm falling through a trapdoor, through infinite, infinitous space, in a directionless, empty fall. My soul is a black maelstrom, a great madness spinning about a vacuum, the swirling of a vast ocean around a hole in the void, and in the waters, more like whirlwinds than waters, float images of all I ever saw or heard in the world: houses, faces, books, boxes, snatches of music and fragments of voices, all caught up in a sinister, bottomless whirlpool.
And I, I myself, am the centre that exists only because the geometry of the abyss demands it; I am the nothing around which all this spins, I exist so that it can spin, I am a centre that exists only because every circle has one. I, I myself, am the well in which the walls have fallen away to leave only viscous slime. I am the centre of everything surrounded by the great nothing.
And it is as if hell itself were laughing within me but, instead of the human touch of diabolical laughter, there's the mad croak of the dead universe, the circling cadaver of physical space, the end of all worlds drifting blackly in the wind, misshapen, anachronistic, without the God who created it, without God himself who spins in the dark of darks, impossible, unique, everything.
If only I could think! If only I could feel!
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
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I feel closer ties and more intimate bonds with certain characters in books, with certain images Iβve seen in engravings, than with many supposedly real people, with that metaphysical absurdity known as βflesh and blood.β In fact βflesh and bloodβ describes them very well: they resemble cuts of meat laid out on the butcherβs marble slab, dead creatures bleeding as though still alive, the sirloin steaks and cutlets of Fate.
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
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I have cultivated several personalities within myself. I constantly cultivate personalities. Each of my dreams, immediately after I dream it, is incarnated into another person, who then goes on to dream it, and I stop.
To create, I destroyed myself; I made myself external to such a degree within myself that within myself I do not exist except in an external fashion. I am the living setting in which several actors make entrances, putting on several different plays.
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
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Once we're able to see this world as an illusion and a phantasm, then we can see everything that happens to us as a dream, as something that pretended to exist while we were sleeping. And we will become subtly and profoundly indifferent towards all of life's setbacks and calamities. Those who die turned a corner, which is why we've stopped seeing them; those who suffer pass before us like a nightmare, if we feel, or like an unpleasant daydream, if we think. And even our own suffering won't be more than this nothingness.
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
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That is how I experience life, as apocalypse and cataclysm. Each day brings an increasing inability in myself to make the smallest gesture, even to imagine myself confronting clear, real situations. The presence of others β always such an unexpected event for the soul β grows daily more painful and distressing. Talking to others makes me shudder. If they show any interest in me, I flee. If they look at me, I tremble. I am constantly on the defensive. Life and other people bruise me. I canβt look reality in the eye.
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)
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It's ridiculous. Here I sit in my little room, I, Brigge, who have got to be twenty-eight years old and about whom no one knows. I sit here and am nothing. And yet this nothing begins to think and thinks, up five flights of stairs, these thoughts on a gray Paris afternoon:
Is it possible, this nothing thinks, that one has not yet seen, recognized, and said anything real and important? Is it possible that one has had thousands of years of time to look, reflect, and write down, and that one has let the millennia pass away like a school recess in which one eats one's sandwich and an apple?
Yes, it is possible.
...Is it possible that in spite of inventions and progress, in spite of culture, religion, and worldly wisdom, that one has remained on the surface of life? Is it possible that one has even covered this surface, which would at least have been something, with an incredibly dull slipcover, so that it looks like living-room furniture during the summer vacation?
Yes, it is possible.
Is it possible that the whole history of the world has been misunderstood? Is it possible that the past is false because one has always spoken of its masses, as if one was telling about a coming together of many people, instead of telling about the one person they were standing around, because he was alien and died?
Yes, it is possible.
Is it possible that one believed one has to make up for everything that happened before one was born? Is it possible one would have to remind every single person that he arose from all earlier people so that he would know it, and not let himself be talked out of it by the others, who see it differently?
Yes, it is possible.
Is it possible that all these people know very precisely a past that never was? Is it possible that everything real is nothing to them; that their life takes its course, connected to nothing, like a clock in an empty room?
Yes, it is possible.
Is it possible that one knows nothing about girls, who are nevertheless alive? Is it possible that one says "the women", "the children", "the boys", and doesn't suspect (in spite of all one's education doesn't suspect) that for the longest time these words have no longer had a plural, but only innumerable singulars?
Yes, it is possible.
Is it possible that there are people who say "God" and think it is something they have in common? Just look at two schoolboys: one buys himself a knife, and the same day his neighbor buys one just like it. And after a week they show each other their knives and it turns out that they bear only the remotest resemblance to each other-so differently have they developed in different hands (Well, the mother of one of them says, if you boys always have to wear everything out right away). Ah, so: is it possible to believe that one could have a God without using him?
Yes, it is possible.
But, if all this is possible, has even an appearance of possibility-then for heaven's sake something has to happen. The first person who comes along, the one who has had this disquieting thought, must begin to accomplish some of what has been missed; even if he is just anyone, not the most suitable person: there is simply no one else there. This young, irrelevant foreigner, Brigge, will have to sit himself down five flights up and write, day and night, he will just have to write, and that will be that.
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Rainer Maria Rilke (The Notebooks of Malte Laurids Brigge)
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One of my constant preoccupations is trying to understand how it is that other people exist, how it is that there are souls other than mine and consciousnesses not my own, which, because it is a consciousness, seems to me unique. I understand perfectly that the man before me uttering words similar to mine and making the same gestures I make, or could make, is in some way my fellow creature. However, I feel just the same about the people in illustrations I dream up, about the characters I see in novels or the dramatis personae on the stage who speak through the actors representing them.
I suppose no one truly admits the existence of another person. One might concede that the other person is alive and feels and thinks like oneself, but there will always be an element of difference, a perceptible discrepancy, that one cannot quite put one's finger on. There are figures from times past, fantasy-images in books that seem more real to us than these specimens of indifference-made-flesh who speak to us across the counters of bars, or catch our eye in trams, or brush past us in the empty randomness of the streets. The others are just part of the landscape for us, usually the invisible landscape of the familiar.
I feel closer ties and more intimate bonds with certain characters in books, with certain images I've seen in engravings, that with many supposedly real people, with that metaphysical absurdity known as 'flesh and blood'. In fact 'flesh and blood' describes them very well: they resemble cuts of meat laid on the butcher's marble slab, dead creatures bleeding as though still alive, the sirloin steaks and cutlets of Fate.
I'm not ashamed to feel this way because I know it's how everyone feels. The lack of respect between men, the indifference that allows them to kill others without compunction (as murderers do) or without thinking (as soldiers do), comes from the fact that no one pays due attention to the apparently abstruse idea that other people have souls too.
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Fernando Pessoa (The Book of Disquiet)