Diary Of Wimpy Kid Quotes

I'll be famous one day, but for now I'm stuck in middle school with a bunch of morons." - Greg Heffley,

If there's one thing I learned from Rodrick, it's to set people's expectations real low so you end up surprising them by practically doing nothing at all.

You can't expect everyone to have the same dedication as you.

The best person I know is Myself.

Monkeys can't talk, stupid!

So if you want to find somebody to blame for the way i am, I guess you'd have to start with the public education system.

Dear Aunt Loretta, Thank you so much for the awesome pants! How did you know I wanted that for Christmas? I love the way the pants look on my legs! All my friends will be so jealous that I have my very own pants. Thank you for making this the best Christmas ever! Sincerely, Greg

I didn't really know what to expect from detention but when I waked into the room, the first thought I had was, I don't belong in here with these future criminals.

See, when you're a little kid, nobody ever warns you that you've got an expiration date. One day you're hot stuff and the next day you're a dirt sandwich.

For the record, I think it should be illegal for a boy to have to fold his mother's underwear.

YO MOMMA

So I've started wearing sweatpants to bed because I really don't need Santa seeing me in my underwear.

You and your group of nerds fall into a pit and it's full of dynamite and you blow up. The End.

I don't know if this makes me a bad person or whatever, but it's hard for me to get interested in other people's vacations.

It's not easy to writing thank-you notes for the stuff you didn't want in the first place.

But the thing I’m finding out is some people don’t really appreciate it when you’r trying to be helpful.

Youre gonna grow up and marry some ice cream! Haha!

I'm basically one of the best people I know.

I've seen a lot of movies where a kid my age finds out he's got magical powers and then gets invited to go away to some special school. Well, if I've got an invitation coming, now would be the perfect time to get it

I realised all the good ideas were taken before I was even born.

that if you don't read nobody does

Then one day, this kid named Darren Walsh touched the Cheese with his finger, and that's what started this thing called the Cheese Touch. It's basically like the Cooties. If you get the Cheese Touch, you're stuck with it until you pass it on to someone else. The only way to protect yourself from the Cheese Touch is to cross your fingers.

Holly is the fourth-prettiest girl in the class, but the top 3 all have boyfriends. So a lot of guys like me are doing everything they can to get in good with her.

The only reason I get out of bed at all on weekends is because eventually I can't stand the taste of my own breath any more.

Chirag: Rowley, do you think I exist? Rowley: Nope! I can't even hear you or see you!

There was this book Dad used to read to me every night called "The Giving Tree." It was a really good book, but the back of it had a picture of the author, this guy named Shel Silverstein. But Shel Silverstein looks more like a burglar or a pirate than a guy who should be writing books for kids. Dad must have known that picture kind of freaked me out, because one night after I got out of bed, Dad said: "IF YOU GET OUT OF BED AGAIN TONIGHT, YOU'LL PROBABLY RUN INTO SHEL SILVERSTEIN IN THE HALLWAY." That really did the trick, Ever since then, I STILL don't get out of bed at night, even if I really need to use the bathroom.

Be yourself and people will like you.

When you're used to having electricity and then all of a sudden it's taken away, you're basically just one step from being a wild animal.

hot pink looks cute on only janet which is MEEEEEEE!!!

Mom is always saying I'm a smart kid, but that I just don't apply myself.

Greg starts a middle school and asks: Why is "bullies" such a big PROBLEM? And says people need to shave twice a day.

... no matter how nice you are to some people, they'll turn their back on you the second they get the chance.

And if you don't spend every second outdoors, people think there's someting wrong with you.

I'm having a seriously hard time getting used to the fact that summer is over and I have to get out of bed every morning to go to school.

I like turtles!!!!

fish and visitors stink in 3 days.

I got to give mom credit for how she handled it.She didn't try to pry and get all the details. All she said was that I should try to do "the right thing" because it's our choices that make us who we are. I figure that's pretty decent advice. But I'm still not 100% sure what I'm going to do tomorrow.

I'm probably something like 95% chicken nugget

I don't know what a guy needs to do to impress a girl these days.

He got the crib, so for the first few months of my life I had to sleep in the top dresser drawer, which I'm pretty sure isn't even legal.

I just hope someone doesn't start the Cheese Touch up again, because I don't need that kind of stress in my life any more.

Back in those days it was just me swimming around in the dark, doing back flips and taking naps whenever I want.

I'm not really sure what makes a book a "classic" to begin with, but I think it has to be at least fifty years old and some person or animal has to die at the end.

Because zombies can’t go out into the sun, most of them tend to be afraid of anything that can go into the sun and live to tell the tale.

don't expect me to be all dear diary this and dear diary that

Whenever you go with the cheaper option, you end up regretting it

Because it's our choices that makes us who we are...

Seriously, though, in this day and age I don't know why we're still cutting open frogs to see what's inside them. If somebody tells me there's a heart and intestines inside a frog, I'm willing to take their word for it.

I’ve realized is that every time you get something cool for your birthday or for Christmas, within a week it’s being used against you. (We'll be taking this away until your English grade improves)

You know, back in the old days adults were respected because of how wise they were, and people went to them to help settle disputes. Nowadays it's a whole different world, and half the time I wonder if grown-ups should really be in charge.

Let me just say for the record that I think middle school is the dumbest idea ever invented. You got kids like me who haven't hit growth spurt yet mixed in with these gorillas who need to shave twice a day.

JEALOUS!

girls.

Most people don't seem to appreciate a person as honest as me. So don't ask me how George Washington ever got to be president.

After the presentations, we had to fill out these questionnaires. The first question was, 'Where do you see yourself in fifteen years?' I know EXACTLY where I will be in fifteen years: in my pool, at my mansion, counting my money. But there weren't any check boxes for THAT option.

Now there's a black market for toys at our school. Christopher Stangel brought in a bunch of Legos from home yesterday, and I hear a single brick will set you back fifty cents.

the

Well, for starters, Abraham Lincoln didn't write 'To Kill a Mockingbird.

Rodrick’s punishment was that he had to answer a bunch of questions Mom wrote out for him. Did owning this magazine make you a better person? No. Did it make you more popular at school? No. How do you feel about having owned this type of magazine now? I feel ashamed. Do you have anything you want to say to women for having owned this offensive magazine? I’m sorry women.

Mom always says I need to spend less time on the couch and more time being active. But the way I see it. I'm just conserving my energy for later on. When all my friends are in their eighties and their bodies are broken down, I'll just be getting started.

I think it’s like the Cheese Touch in Diary of a Wimpy Kid. The kids in that story were afraid they’d catch the cooties if they touched the old moldy cheese on the basketball court. At Beecher Prep, I’m the old moldy cheese.

I started worrying that maybe you only get a certain number of prayers answered in you lifetime and I'm burning through mine too fast. I'd hate to find out later on that I used up all my chits, because I've been acting like I've got an unlimited supply.

I'll tell you who has a lot of money, and that's Manny. I mean, that kid is RICH. A few weeks ago Mom and Dad told Manny they'd give him a quarter for every time he uses the potty without being asked. So now he carries around a gallon of water with him at all times.

charged poo screamer

Sit! Stand! Roll over! Good boy! Now, split into a bunch of smaller slimes! Wait. Baby slimes can't do that, can they?

case you fell asleep reading my last few entries, I'll first go over the events leading up to today.

See, that's the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend's mom.

But do I have “low intelligence”?

step step step no no no plop plop plop in i go

I know I need to eat healthier, but if you take fast food out of my diet I'm in big trouble, because I'm probably something like 95% chicken nugget.

That made Dad pretty mad, so he said "NO SON OF MINE IS A QUITTER!" Which isn't really true at all. I'm a HUGE quitter, and so is Rodrick. And I think Manny is on his third of fourth preschool by now.

Seriously, though, in this day and age I don't know why we're still cutting open frogs to see what's inside them. If somebody tells me there's a heart and intestines inside a grog, I'm willing to take their word for it.

He's so big, he can swallow a creeper whole (and he's so strong, he'll survive the explosion—the worst damage being a bad case of gas. The history book literally describes Mungo's huge farts after he ate a creeper. No, my friends, don't ever stand downwind of Mungo after he's devoured a charged creeper. It won't be a pleasant experience.)

We had a special Construction class today. At first, they just went on about the super easy stuff. Stuff even I knew. Like how it's a really good idea to put a crafting table and a furnace next to each other. Who doesn't know that? They're made for one another. Aww.

Maybe you're thinking: "Wait! Mobs don't do those things! Mobs don't work together!

If there are thirty mobs around you, just run away," he said. He took a swig of water from his water bottle. "Just run away.

He'd probably tell all the other kids something involving me, diapers and a poo screamer. A

Such as the zombie who had a craving for diamonds instead of brains. The legendary zombie miner. He only wanted to eat diamonds. He ate lava instead. Oh.

ate lava instead.

ALL BUSINESS. ALL THE TIME.

It's been thirty minutes, but I've almost mined this stone block! Boom! Got it! Wait, what?! Where's my cobblestone?!

MOVE, YOU ENDERMITES!! I'VE SEEN ZOMBIES SWIM FASTER UP WATERFALLS!!

See? Shiny emerald! Real!" Well, the blacksmith thought I was a total noob. One emerald for two iron ingots is a really good deal for the person getting the emerald.

This collection of masterful secret tips and hints was brought to you by Urf, the masterful talented swordsman and combat guru.

They're just really small emeralds! I swear!

THE ZOMBIES AREN'T COMING IN FOR TEA, LENNY. OMG THE ZOMBIES AREN'T COMING IN FOR TEA. Seriously?

Dude, Minecraft doesn't HAVE glow-in-the-dark-mushrooms. Those are REDSTONE ORE VEINS, noob!!

The Legion never retreats!!" Kolbert stepped forward, surveying the approaching swarm. "Actually, in this case, I think we can make an exception." Within

Run away when thirty mobs are surrounding you. Really? Are you sure? You mean like, move your legs so you move away from the mobs? That's brilliant. Good tip.

I probably should've thought about talking to Uncle Gary a lot earlier. He's been married something like four times already, so he's an EXPERT on relationships.

...the brain is like a muscle, and if you don't exercise it by reading and doing creative stuff, it'll get weak and mushy.

Some day, the mayor's gonna be saying something like: "You? A noob? Did I really say something so foolish? No, I always knew you were going to be the best, Sir Runt! Please forgive me, sir! Let me polish your sword for you!

The mobs won't ever think about going near a village again. The endermen will be so afraid, they'll actually start crying just looking at your village. And because water hurts the endermen, their own tears will actually burn them. See? That's how pro I am.

(A zombie dance party. Top secret info: I wasn't joking about zombies dancing on cake. See for yourself. If zombies step on cake, they'll begin bouncing around like crazy! Perhaps cake could be used to protect our village somehow. I'll consult Stump on this, since he's the baker.)

O hai mob. Thanks for spawning. Can you please just be a good mob and let a bunch of villager kids beat on you with wooden swords as if you were a training dummy? It's a good job. It pays a lot. We'll even give you healing potions to heal up all the damage so we can beat on you again.

All Summer in a Day” by Ray Bradbury Because of Winn-Dixie by Kate DiCamillo Big Nate series by Lincoln Peirce The Black Cauldron (The Chronicles of Prydain) by Lloyd Alexander The Book Thief  by Markus Zusak Brian’s Hunt by Gary Paulsen Brian’s Winter by Gary Paulsen Brown Girl Dreaming by Jacqueline Woodson Bud, Not Buddy by Christopher Paul Curtis The Call of the Wild by Jack London The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss Charlotte’s Web by E. B. White The Chronicles of Narnia series by C. S. Lewis Diary of a Wimpy Kid series by Jeff Kinney Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury The Giver by Lois Lowry Goodnight Moon by Margaret Wise Brown Harry Potter series by J. K. Rowling Hatchet by Gary Paulsen The High King (The Chronicles of Prydain) by Lloyd Alexander The Hobbit by J. R. R. Tolkien Holes by Louis Sachar The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins I Am LeBron James by Grace Norwich I Am Stephen Curry by Jon Fishman Island of the Blue Dolphins by Scott O’Dell Johnny Tremain by Esther Hoskins Forbes Julie of the Wolves by Jean Craighead George Kidnapped by Robert Louis Stevenson LeBron’s Dream Team: How Five Friends Made History by LeBron James and Buzz Bissinger The Lightning Thief  (Percy Jackson and the Olympians) by Rick Riordan A Long Walk to Water by Linda Sue Park The Merry Adventures of Robin Hood by Howard Pyle Number the Stars by Lois Lowry The Outsiders by S. E. Hinton The River by Gary Paulsen The Sailor Dog by Margaret Wise Brown Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor “A Sound of Thunder” by Ray Bradbury Star Wars Expanded Universe novels (written by many authors) Star Wars series (written by many authors) The Swiss Family Robinson by Johann D. Wyss Tales from a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess (Dork Diaries) by Rachel Renée Russell Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing by Judy Blume “The Tell-Tale Heart” by Edgar Allan Poe Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt Under the Blood-Red Sun by Graham Salisbury The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle When You Reach Me by Rebecca Stead A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L’Engle

The other day, he was telling them about a monster called the 'poo screamer'. Supposedly, a poo screamer is a special type of creeper. Creepers are green, of course, because they're made out of leaves. But a poo screamer is brown because it's made out of poo. The poo screamer. When a poo screamer attacks, it doesn't hiss like a normal creeper. It makes a loud gurgling sound.

This morning he told everyone that he’s a “big boy” and he’s giving up his pacifier for good. Then he threw his favorite binkie in the trash. Clap clap Clap clap Well, that New Year’s resolution didn’t even last a full minute. suck suck suck The only person in my family who didn’t come up with a resolution is my older brother, Rodrick, and that’s a pity because his list should be about a mile and a half long.

found out I was singing, and he couldn’t resist the chance to see me embarrass myself. The play was supposed to start at 8: 00, but it got delayed because Rodney James had stage fright. You’d figure that someone whose job it was to sit on the stage and do nothing could just suck it up for one performance. But Rodney wouldn’t budge, and eventually, his mom had to carry him off. The play finally got started around 8: 30. Nobody could remember their lines, just like I predicted, but Mrs. Norton kept things

Max cooked up a story about an enderman who wants to be a professional swimmer. The enderman is willing to pay 500 emeralds for a Potion of Water Resistance (so he doesn't burn while in the water). ② After hearing about the enderman, tons of kids at school freaked out. They wanted to brew that potion. Kids kept bugging the Brewing teacher about it. How do I craft one? What's the secret recipe? And so on. (The Brewing teacher got so annoyed, he called in sick today.) ③ Max and I dug up most of the sand around the village. (You need sand to make glass, glass to craft bottles, and bottles to brew potions.) ④ Yesterday, we spent hours crafting bottles.