Devil's Dictionary Quotes

Love, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

Sweater, n. Garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.

Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

Patience, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue

Pray, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner, confessedly unworthy.

Selfish, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Cynic, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are not as they ought to be.

Faith, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

Scriptures, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.

Corporation, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit without individual responsibility.

Education, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen.

Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something he can see and feel.

Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.

Positive, adj.: Mistaken at the top of one's voice.

Religion, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Inhumanity, n. One of the signal and characteristic qualities of humanity.

Redemption, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy religions, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have everlasting life in which to try to understand it.

FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for advantage of the lawyers.

Christian, n.: one who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.

Philosophy - A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.

BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its chief activity consists in the endeavour to ascertain its own nature, the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing but itself to know itself with.

Infidel, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; in Constantinople, one who does.

Impiety, n. Your irreverence toward my deity.

Self-evident, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else.

AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.

NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi.

Friendship: A ship big enough for two in fair weather, but only one in foul.

ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a blacksmith.

DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude.

Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.

Peace: A period of cheating between two periods of fighting.

Alliance - In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.

Birth, n.: The first and direst of all disasters.

Bride, n. - A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.

SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited.

TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate.

ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.

FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

Think twice before you speak to a friend in need

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.

Cribbage, n. A substitute for conversation among those to whom nature has denied ideas.

Revolution - In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.

Bigamy, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will adjudge a punishment called trigamy.

Logic, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion - thus: Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly as one man. Minor Premise: One man can dig a post-hole in sixty seconds; Therefore- Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a post-hole in one second. This may be called syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

War: A by-product of the arts of peace.

Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.

BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.

Idiot - A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes conduct with a dead-line.

Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.

CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a blockhead.

Humanity, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the anthropoid poets.

GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to the demands of American Socialism.

Diplomacy,n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country.

JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.

Alone, adj. In bad company.

PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.

HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.

BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.

It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of others from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell.

Consult, v.t. To seek another’s approval of a course already decided on. Contempt, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.

Aborigines, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize.

ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standards in matters of thought and conduct. To be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be detested. A striving toward the straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself, whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and the hope of Hell.

RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the nature of the Unknowable.

Dictionary, n. A malevolent literacy device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic.

Reality, n. The dream of a mad philosopher.

INCEST, n. In many parts of the Bible Belt, the most popular form of dating

Age - That period of life in which we compound for the vices that remain by reviling those we have no longer the vigor to commit.

Connoisseur, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and nothing about anything else.

Epitaph, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.

Grammar, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet of the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to distinction.

RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the affairs of to-day.

AMATEUR, n. A public nuisance who mistakes taste for skill, and confounds his ambition with his ability.

CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate than yourself.

CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already decided on.

EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.

DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors.

Enthusiasm, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.

Aphorism, n. Predigested wisdom.

OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.

Positive, adj. Mistaken at the top of one’s voice.

PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy or opponent after an imaginary encounter with oneself.

ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth.

Phonograph - An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

AMERICANISM, n. 1) The desire to purge America of all those qualities which make it a more or less tolerable place in which to live; 2) The ability to simultaneously kiss ass, follow your boss's orders, swallow a pay cut, piss in a bottle, cower in fear of job loss, and brag about your freedom.

PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram.

Saint took a seat at the main faro table at the Society club. “What the devil is a ladies' political tea?” Tristan Carroway, Viscount Dare, finished placing his wager, then sat back, reaching for his glass of port. “Do I look like a dictionary?” “You're domesticated.” Saint motioned for a glass of his own, despite unfriendly looks from the tables' other players. “What is it?” “I'm not domesticated; I'm in love. You should try it. Does wonders for your outlook on life.” “I'll take your word for it, thank you.

Many readers are familiar with the spirit and the letter of the definition of “prayer,” as given by Ambrose Bierce in his Devil’s Dictionary. It runs like this, and is extremely easy to comprehend: Prayer: A petition that the laws of nature be suspended in favor of the petitioner; himself confessedly unworthy. Everybody can see the joke that is lodged within this entry: The man who prays is the one who thinks that god has arranged matters all wrong, but who also thinks that he can instruct god how to put them right. Half-buried in the contradiction is the distressing idea that nobody is in charge, or nobody with any moral authority. The call to prayer is self-cancelling.

SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like to ask," said he. "Name it." "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn of eternity with hatred of his soul—you ask for the right to make his laws?" "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them himself." It was so ordered.

DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.

Many readers are familiar with the spirit and the letter of the definition of “prayer”, as given by Ambrose Bierce in his Devil’s Dictionary. It runs like this, and is extremely easy to comprehend: Prayer: A petition that the laws of nature be suspended in favor of the petitioner; himself confessedly unworthy. Everybody can see the joke that is lodged within this entry: The man who prays is the one who thinks that god has arranged matters all wrong, but who also thinks that he can instruct god how to put them right. Half–buried in the contradiction is the distressing idea that nobody is in charge, or nobody with any moral authority. The call to prayer is self–cancelling. Those of us who don’t take part in it will justify our abstention on the grounds that we do not need, or care, to undergo the futile process of continuous reinforcement. Either our convictions are enough in themselves or they are not: At any rate they do require standing in a crowd and uttering constant and uniform incantations. This is ordered by one religion to take place five times a day, and by other monotheists for almost that number, while all of them set aside at least one whole day for the exclusive praise of the Lord, and Judaism seems to consist in its original constitution of a huge list of prohibitions that must be followed before all else. The tone of the prayers replicates the silliness of the mandate, in that god is enjoined or thanked to do what he was going to do anyway. Thus the Jewish male begins each day by thanking god for not making him into a woman (or a Gentile), while the Jewish woman contents herself with thanking the almighty for creating her “as she is.” Presumably the almighty is pleased to receive this tribute to his power and the approval of those he created. It’s just that, if he is truly almighty, the achievement would seem rather a slight one. Much the same applies to the idea that prayer, instead of making Christianity look foolish, makes it appear convincing. Now, it can be asserted with some confidence, first, that its deity is all–wise and all–powerful and, second, that its congregants stand in desperate need of that deity’s infinite wisdom and power. Just to give some elementary quotations, it is stated in the book of Philippians, 4:6, “Be careful for nothing; but in everything by prayer and supplication and thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God.” Deuteronomy 32:4 proclaims that “he is the rock, his work is perfect,” and Isaiah 64:8 tells us, “Now O Lord, thou art our father; we art clay and thou our potter; and we are all the work of thy hand.” Note, then, that Christianity insists on the absolute dependence of its flock, and then only on the offering of undiluted praise and thanks. A person using prayer time to ask for the world to be set to rights, or to beseech god to bestow a favor upon himself, would in effect be guilty of a profound blasphemy or, at the very least, a pathetic misunderstanding. It is not for the mere human to be presuming that he or she can advise the divine. And this, sad to say, opens religion to the additional charge of corruption. The leaders of the church know perfectly well that prayer is not intended to gratify the devout. So that, every time they accept a donation in return for some petition, they are accepting a gross negation of their faith: a faith that depends on the passive acceptance of the devout and not on their making demands for betterment. Eventually, and after a bitter and schismatic quarrel, practices like the notorious “sale of indulgences” were abandoned. But many a fine basilica or chantry would not be standing today if this awful violation had not turned such a spectacularly good profit. And today it is easy enough to see, at the revival meetings of Protestant fundamentalists, the counting of the checks and bills before the laying on of hands by the preacher has even been completed. Again, the spectacle is a shameless one.