“
Intimacy
The woman in the cafe making my cappuccino — dark eyes, dyed
red hair,
sleeveless black turtleneck — used to be lovers with the man I’m
seeing now.
She doesn’t know me; we’re strangers, but still I can’t glance at her
casually, as I used to, before I knew. She stands at the machine,
sinking the nozzle
into a froth of milk, staring at nothing — I don’t know what she’s
thinking.
For all I know she might be remembering my lover, remembering
whatever happened
between them — he’s never told me, except to say that it wasn’t
important, and then
he changed the subject quickly, too quickly now that I think about
it; might he,
after all, have been lying, didn’t an expression of pain cross his
face for just
and instant? I can’t be sure. And really it was nothing, I tell myself;
there’s no reason for me to feel awkward standing here, or
complicitous,
as though there’s something significant between us.
She could be thinking of anything; why, now, do I have the sudden
suspicion
that she knows, that she feels me studying her, trying to imagine
them together?—
her lipstick’s dark red, darker than her hair — trying to see him
kissing her, turning her over in bed
the way he likes to have me. I wonder if maybe
there were things about her he preferred, things he misses now
that we’re together;
sometimes, when he and I are making love, there are moments
I’m overwhelmed by sadness, and though I’m there with him I
can’t help thinking
of my ex-husband’s hands, which I especially loved, and I want to
go back
to that old intimacy, which often felt like the purest happiness
I’d ever known, or would. But all that’s over; and besides, weren’t
there other lovers
who left no trace? When I see them now, I can barely remember
what they looked like undressed, or how it felt to have them
inside me. So what is it I feel as she pours the black espresso into
the milk,
and pushes the cup toward me, and I give her the money,
and our eyes meet for just a second, and our fingers touch?
”
”