Covert Narcissist Parent Quotes

Dysfunctional parents do not apologise. It is one feature that the children of narcissists would instantly agree on. They will lie and justify themselves, but never accept they did anything wrong.

This is called crazy making, and it is what narcissists do. They push to provoke bad feelings, and when they do and their victim reacts, they feel better. Somehow they transfer their state of mind onto their victims.

You do not owe anything to abusers.

Getting angry when something about their behaviour is challenged in the nicest way, is a typical reaction of a narcissistic parent.

The truth is that the happier and stronger you are, the more unhappy the narcissistic parent is, because when you feel good they lose their grip over you, and the ability to shame you.

It made me feel responsible, as well as the usual ‘everything we do is for you.’ I felt bad they had to work so hard to buy food and clothes for me, and I felt I had to justify my existence and repay them somehow.

Narcissists don’t see their children as separate people that have a right to experience life from their own angle. There is no option in their heads in which the kids will be in charge of their own lives ‘unaided’ by the narcissist. …

The emotional abuse suffered at the hands of a narcissist is on par with the psychological and mental abuse when dealing with a psychopath or sociopath.

The narcissists strive to project a sweet and caring image of a highly moral person. From such a high stand they can judge those around them for their failings and demand they behave in a manner that serves the narcissists better.

By undermining you they make sure that if you complain about the narcissistic parent nobody will believe you, because they already have a certain negative image of you. Again, this abusive behaviour is just how narcissists live day to day. The plotting and manipulation is necessary to twist others around their false image.

Reasoning never works with narcissists. When caught in the game they get stroppy and angry. Their lack of emotional maturity and empathy is why the narcissistic parent cannot respond to the emotional needs of their children. They are too busy trying to get the validation they need, and that consumes a lot of their energy and effort.

Apparently, my parents were not worried about me being sick, because they did not suggest any such thing. My sickness was nothing but a failure of character

one of the major results of being on the receiving end of Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is the development of PTSD

Growing up and trying to have your own values and personality is not received well, and the narcissistic parent will try to sabotage you any way they can.

Projection is a major function of the narcissistic shell. Anything the narcissists don’t like about themselves is projected onto others in order to keep their false image intact.

Children are simply unable to meet the emotional needs of an adult.

gaslighting is a major tool of manipulation. It’s about distorting your perceptions and asserting what works better for the abuser.

The spouses of narcissists cannot be independent or emotionally secure people. They are there to maintain the atmosphere the narcissists can thrive in, and this is the toxic atmosphere of miscommunication and tension that allows them to play their games and to be the ‘good one.

Covert narcissists prey on people with the right weaknesses for them to exploit. This is why the abuse is wrapped in a pretence of care, and they can get people fooled for a very long time.

The narcissists do not like to take responsibility for their negative emotions, and transfer the blame to others. Further, they don’t like to deal with any of the children’s negative feelings. My mother’s attitude was that children have no problems, and they should be a pleasure and a joy for their parent.

It makes me feel good when people tell me how well you behave …,’ she used to say. When she was upset with me she used to threaten me with ‘You are going to make me sick, and I am going to die, and what are you going to do then?

Talking about someone to another person instead of communicating directly is called triangulation, and it is about controlling the flow of information. It is a manipulation technique that works only in families with broken dysfunctional communication, and it is a perfect tool for a narcissist. They can create tension between the members of the family and benefit from it by playing the one who solves all problems. It is another way of getting in a higher position of influence.

in the academic literature, making children responsible for the emotional well-being of the parents was referred to as emotional incest. It is a heavy burden for young children because they do not even know how to look after their own emotions yet.

Covert narcissists are different than other abusers because they purposefully project a good image of themselves to the outside world. They want to be seen as what society would refer to as ‘good people.’ It is a part of the illusion for the covert narcissists. To make the false image work they need you to play along, to enable them, to project back the false image. They become openly abusive only when their manipulation techniques fail to work.

Because the covert narcissists are not very good achievers, and because of their need for supply, they need a spouse who is easy to manipulate and who will not call them out on their bullshit – someone to deal with real life while the narcissists are busy maintaining the illusion of how great they are.

It may be difficult at first but divorcing a narcissist is worth it.

Silent treatment cannot be argued with, it’s based on emotions and not on logic. The line of communication is cut off, and it means the existence of the child can be reduced to nothing.

To have the children behave in a pleasing manner, the narcissistic mothers use conditional love and fear, sending the message the kids will be shunned and the love taken away it they step out of line.

Narcissists expect you to be fit and healthy because the very reason for having children was so that they would be their supporters and allies, they are supposed to look after them and not to be a problem and a burden.

What I am talking about here is the systematic use of the punishment to demean and to avoid explanations the narcissists are not comfortable with. The control is achieved by the means of humiliating and terrifying a child.

Even though many victims of narcissistic parents recall they knew something was wrong with their seemingly good parent when they were very young, as they grew up they still ended up blaming themselves for being fundamentally flawed and never good enough.

Covert narcissists change their attitude depending on who they want to project their image to. My father was at work all day and my mother was showing us what a good mother she was with food, but she easily changed her behaviour to target my father, not caring at all about the inconsistency in her behaviour.

Covert narcissists, as the name implies, are very good at hiding their true needy and abusive nature. And because the narcissistic mothers enjoy having small children, a presumption is created that they are good mothers. And they are not shy of actively promoting the image of the good mother – repeatedly telling you how much they sacrifice for you and brainwashing your perceptions of who they really are.

Overt narcissists tend to have shorter marriages and romantic relationships. It is common for people to be married to coverts for decades and not know they are married to one for most of the relationship. It is also common for people to be in dating relationships with covert narcissists (CNs) that go on for years. Children of covertly narcissistic parents often do not realize the truth about their mom or dad until their thirties.

If you feel hopeless, joyless, bewildered, if you second-guess yourself a lot and question whether you are too sensitive, you might be a victim of gaslighting. If you can’t figure out why you are so unhappy when you have so much good in your life, you might be experiencing this type of manipulation. Maybe you find yourself making excuses for your parent or partner’s behavior to friends and family. These are all signs you might be experiencing gaslighting.

If you were raised in a negative environment, building a negative image of yourself is natural.  Narcissistic fathers focus on flaws and fail to give praise, so that is what we embrace ourselves. When we grow up we see only the failures, the mistakes, the bad choices and how we can never measure up to the ideals we expect from ourselves. We are so used to the negativity that we forget to see the little good things. We brush off compliments. Developing positive self-talk means reversing whatever is it that your father made you believe. Accepting and enjoying compliments and your own accomplishments. Giving yourself credit for the things you did.

The bond between the narcissistic father and their child exists, but it is unhealthy and not based on mutual respect and love, but on shame and guilt. Such a father projects his deepest fears of inadequacies, shame and rejection on their children, but they also do the same for their ambitions, unrealistic qualities, imagined authority and false sense of personal power, grandiosity and success. Based on these two they give their children the roles of the scapegoat and the golden child where the first one becomes the embodiment of the narcissistic fathers’ fears and the second one becomes the embodiment of their ideals. Neither of these are based in reality and are never a reflection of a child's real potential, skill, character or talent. The scapegoated child is the one who is ultimately the greatest threat to a narcissist's false sense of self-importance, and so that child will be the one to be discarded and rejected.

needs,

All covert narcissist mothers, in some way, commit acts of emotional incest. It occurs when a parent depends on their child for the emotional support and love typically provided by an adult partner

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This can look like advice they give you or “constructive criticism.” This can be especially cloaked when they are parents. They come across like they are just trying to help guide you, but you leave feeling disempowered and scared of life, believing you don’t have what it takes to figure things out. You get the subtle message you are doing things wrong, but it comes in the form of “concern for you.” You feel the life go out of you and don’t know why.

Narcissistic fathers poison the whole family with this competitive energy and instead of creating a safe environment for the children to grow, they turn family members against each other. The children’s mother and the scapegoated child are usually the ones to blame for all the failures, mistakes and wrongdoings, particularly for those he himself has committed. His wife is described as emotionally cold, distant, unloving, unsupportive and a sabotager of his and the family happiness or she takes the role of the flying monkey, catering to his needs, adoring him and supporting his toxic parenting, many times unconsciously.

While part of good parenting includes being able to prevent deviant behaviors in children and raise happy, healthy and assertive individuals, having a father who is a narcissist means purposefully taking advantage of the fatherly role and exerting extreme authoritarianism and control over the children. They are, deep down, extremely vulnerable to rejection and criticism, are resentful and have bottled a lot of shame in a very deep corner of their subconsciousness. Such a father has no empathy, no sensitivity to their child's needs, but is observant enough to spot what these needs are and use them to gain his narcissistic supply. His children are seen as possessions that belong to him, are emotionally neglected, made to be overly codependent on him for affirmation, money or appreciation even in adulthood. Their emotional scope is very narrow and infantile, so their dealings with children are colored with aging and passive-aggressiveness, rather than maturity and openness.

Will it make me happy? Do I feel expansive when I am doing this? Do I want to feel this way? What will happen if I do what I feel called to do? Do I feel like myself when doing this? Is this really what I think or is it my father speaking through me? How will I feel if I accept/reject this offer? Why? Knowing who you are means rediscovering and finding lost pieces of yourself and putting the puzzle back together. The stronger the bond you have with your authentic self, the less power your narcissistic parent will have over you.

Please stop judging your real self, because that is what your father did for so long.

Replacing the I am worthless, I will never make it, I am unlovable with I am worthy, I will make it and I am lovable is something that takes practice, but it is achievable. Positive self-talk is based on self-love, which develops through acts of kindness to ourselves. It is when you start to matter to yourself more than someone’s opinion, judgment or criticism does. It is about accepting yourself just the way you are because you are perfectly fine that way.

Would you like someone to call you stupid, lazy, incompetent or unattractive? You absolutely would not. Even if someone calls you these names, why would you do that to yourself? You cannot control your father or anyone else, and therefore they don’t have the power to tell you who you are and how good you are. They are not you, they are not in your body and they will never be. You have you. So be gentle to that person you see in the mirror, they have been through a lot and they don't need yet another negative comment from the person looking back from the other side of the glass.

Take the time and be compassionate with yourself as you would be with someone in need.

To heal we first need to deal with our inability to say no without feeling guilty. Narcissistic fathers discourage acts of self-love and self-care as they need their children to cater to their narcissistic needs. This is why to break free it is important to learn to clearly recognize our own needs and then prioritize them.

The key to healing here is reversing the focus on ourselves without feeling like we have to apologize for doing something that is good for us. You choose yourself by setting boundaries and making your own codex of behavior, the things you’ll tolerate and the things you won’t. Healthy boundaries will additionally push away the people who are selfishly using you and taking from you without giving back, and draw in healthy people who respect those boundaries because they respect you and your energy.

Establishing boundaries and asserting them works like a muscle. The first few times you get sore, aka you feel immensely guilty for not responding to someone and catering to their needs, but the more you do it, the better you will feel. Start small and reject invitations or requests that take your energy at the given moment. The guilt you have is coming from being ashamed of having needs because that is what your father found suitable.

To have a peaceful, joyous and quality life, and to genuinely give to others, you first need to care for yourself. Every time you feel guilty for not following your gut instinct and extending yourself beyond personal limits to be there for others, remember to take a step back and put yourself first - the person who is asking for your help, energy or favor, no matter who they are, is doing the same.

Ask yourself, do you do favors because you genuinely care or because deep down you want to avoid unpleasant feelings of guilt and shame? Know that there is nothing shameful about caring for yourself. It is not your responsibility to make someone else happy or miserable. They are responsible for their own wellbeing, just like you are responsible for yours. Your needs are just as valid as someone else's, no matter how bad they seem to be doing.

Your original upbringing has caused wounding, so to heal you must re-parent yourself. Re-parenting yourself means reaching your inner child, embracing it and then teaching it love instead of fear. We are afraid we are not good enough. We are afraid we are not talented, attractive or successful enough. We are afraid we are not lovable. These fears stemmed from the treatment we received as children and the roles we took in our father’s hierarchy of importance and worthiness. What can help is visualizing yourself as a child, seeing your fears, tears you have cried and how you felt. Once you can do that, the next step is treating yourself as you always wanted to be treated by your father and your family.

Every time you feel anxious, sad or afraid, imagine yourself as a child. How would you comfort that child? By ignoring, judging, criticizing for screaming at it like your father did, or by making it feel safe, giving it consolation, and unconditional affection? Re-parenting yourself includes taking a step back from how you were raised, taking on and reversing the role of your dysfunctional father and giving yourself everything you needed from him, be it acceptance, love or kindness. This will include becoming visible to yourself, and treating yourself the way you wanted to be treated. This will not only make you feel safer in your own skin, but it will allow you to accept yourself the way you are, without imposing self-criticism and unrealistic expectations on yourself.

By not rejecting yourself and supporting your inner child and nurturing your vulnerabilities instead of discarding them, you are ultimately taking responsibility for yourself. You could not choose your childhood, but now you can choose yourself and you can become your own person of trust, someone you always needed and who was never there. Please remember that you already have what it takes to re-parent yourself, as otherwise you wouldn’t be hoping or looking for healing and you are absolutely not alone. Re-parenting includes an immense amount of self-care and self-nurturing. It also includes getting in touch with your inner child and recognizing it’s needs and understanding how it wants to express itself, which goes hand in hand with choosing yourself. Choose you, because you deserve all those beautiful things you were made to believe you are undeserving of.

the family circle, for example, just like in many other settings, covert narcissists are restricted in their behavior, so it is unlikely that anyone who is not part of the family will ever notice the narcissistic patterns. These parents are usually very socially acceptable, likable, display themselves and are perceived as perfect parents and members of society. However, behind closed doors they expect perfection from their kids, wanting them to cater to their own needs and to fit into the idea of an ideal child, shaming individuality and authenticity. It is not uncommon for a narcissistic parent to project their unfulfilled ambitions, expectations, and desires of social success onto their children, putting a lot of pressure on the kids to achieve success, usually at the expense of a child’s happiness.

child fails to fulfill a covert parent’s expectations, they get shamed, punished, or compared to other, "better" children. It is not uncommon for them to have trouble letting their children grow up, especially if the child supplied them with constant admiration throughout childhood. A narcissistic parent will sabotage all their attempts to become independent and lead a life on their own. It is as if kids must make decisions under parole, hearing words like: You are not ready for such a huge change. How could you survive on your own? You don’t even know how to iron a shirt. You don’t have to work, I will pay for your hobbies. These kids grow up to be unsure of themselves, feel infantile, and incapable of making wise choices or any choices at all. In such parenthood, there is no space for following one’s passion, but there is immense pressure to fulfill unreasonable expectations. As a result, children don’t feel heard, and become conflict-avoidant, anxious, rebellious,

or suppress their needs, all of which sadly breed more narcissistic abuse in the future.  What many grow up to realize is that it was their parents - people who are supposed to be the ultimate caregivers, people everyone depends on in childhood and doesn’t get to choose - who turn out to be the most toxic people in their lives.

they will not come to your defense. Under the mask that they want to help you learn important life-lessons and give constructive criticism, is a strategy to make you feel undervalued, incompetent or immature, while they appear wise and mature, no matter the actual age difference. No matter how good you are at something, and no matter how hard you are trying, in their eyes, you can always do better. They will criticize you with special gusto if they notice you're trying really hard and exhausting yourself, under the pretense that they want to push you forward. This is a frequent trait of covert parents, who will act disappointed and withhold affection from their kids if they fail to satisfy the impossible criterion of perfection. Once you do succeed or get an amazing idea, they will make sure to let you know what their contribution to your success was, or even steal your idea. Taking credit for what someone else did is also not unexplored territory for them.

For someone who is not in close relationship with them, a narcissist will appear very pleasant, sociable and respectable. To the outside world, they seem like great dads, who sacrifice a lot and always fight for their family, which can cause confusion in their children - Is my father really as manipulative as I believe? Maybe he is really trying to help me. Maybe the problem really is me. Am I not allowing my father to guide and protect me?  A child of a narcissist will often hear how great of a father they have, and that they should be thankful for having someone so attentive to raise them.

You may be kind, decent and a lovely human being but the narcissist will pick the tiniest negative and amplify it for their own gain (and your destruction). Be in the know and wise.

When dealing with a narcissist, it is always important to be wary of what they are saying and why they are saying it. A narcissist often will stray away from the actual issue and begin targeting you personally. They will purposely try to agitate you and will try to draw out an extreme reaction because the moment you lose control over your emotions, you are also losing control over the situation. If your partner can always influence you to lose your cool and become overly sensitive when an issue is brought up, that gives them more leverage to get their way and to put you down simply because you cared deeply about something.

After spending five decades of being beaten down, mistreated, and stabbed in the back, little Dana grew up. Little Dana fearlessly faced her trauma wounds. Little Dana cracked open that terrifying door to process and to address everything. And when I write everything, I mean ‘every rotten thing said and done to harm me.’ Everything from my early childhood sexual abuse, child neglect, psychological abuse, physical abuse, unfit parenting by my narcissistic mother, to my sister’s spouse who sexually assaulted me, to every imaginable covert scheme by my six toxic siblings (AKA Flying Monkeys) who sadistically enjoyed hurting me. They each took great pleasure in trying to destroy me, my life, my health, my relationships, my career, and my reputation.

I was not able to watch TV shows because I felt so bad for the characters if there was any drama or danger involved.

Zero Empathy It has already been mentioned but it still can’t be stressed enough. Narcissists have zero empathy, meaning that they also feel no remorse for their evil deeds. They are egocentric, never apologize, don’t know how to apologize; are expert story- tellers, present themselves as having high morals, are untruthful and manipulative, have superficial charm and an imposed sense of (false/ fake) social grace or philosophy, and feign like, love or care to get what they want. They can make themselves appear as the hero with superior morality when in reality they are evil, heartless and cold inside. An extreme narcissist truly has no shame or problem with ruining someone else’s life.