Covert Narcissist Mother Quotes

Dysfunctional parents do not apologise. It is one feature that the children of narcissists would instantly agree on. They will lie and justify themselves, but never accept they did anything wrong.

This is called crazy making, and it is what narcissists do. They push to provoke bad feelings, and when they do and their victim reacts, they feel better. Somehow they transfer their state of mind onto their victims.

You do not owe anything to abusers.

It made me feel responsible, as well as the usual ‘everything we do is for you.’ I felt bad they had to work so hard to buy food and clothes for me, and I felt I had to justify my existence and repay them somehow.

Getting angry when something about their behaviour is challenged in the nicest way, is a typical reaction of a narcissistic parent.

The truth is that the happier and stronger you are, the more unhappy the narcissistic parent is, because when you feel good they lose their grip over you, and the ability to shame you.

Narcissists don’t see their children as separate people that have a right to experience life from their own angle. There is no option in their heads in which the kids will be in charge of their own lives ‘unaided’ by the narcissist. …

The narcissists strive to project a sweet and caring image of a highly moral person. From such a high stand they can judge those around them for their failings and demand they behave in a manner that serves the narcissists better.

By undermining you they make sure that if you complain about the narcissistic parent nobody will believe you, because they already have a certain negative image of you. Again, this abusive behaviour is just how narcissists live day to day. The plotting and manipulation is necessary to twist others around their false image.

Reasoning never works with narcissists. When caught in the game they get stroppy and angry. Their lack of emotional maturity and empathy is why the narcissistic parent cannot respond to the emotional needs of their children. They are too busy trying to get the validation they need, and that consumes a lot of their energy and effort.

Apparently, my parents were not worried about me being sick, because they did not suggest any such thing. My sickness was nothing but a failure of character

gaslighting is a major tool of manipulation. It’s about distorting your perceptions and asserting what works better for the abuser.

Growing up and trying to have your own values and personality is not received well, and the narcissistic parent will try to sabotage you any way they can.

Projection is a major function of the narcissistic shell. Anything the narcissists don’t like about themselves is projected onto others in order to keep their false image intact.

Children are simply unable to meet the emotional needs of an adult.

The spouses of narcissists cannot be independent or emotionally secure people. They are there to maintain the atmosphere the narcissists can thrive in, and this is the toxic atmosphere of miscommunication and tension that allows them to play their games and to be the ‘good one.

Covert narcissists prey on people with the right weaknesses for them to exploit. This is why the abuse is wrapped in a pretence of care, and they can get people fooled for a very long time.

The narcissists do not like to take responsibility for their negative emotions, and transfer the blame to others. Further, they don’t like to deal with any of the children’s negative feelings. My mother’s attitude was that children have no problems, and they should be a pleasure and a joy for their parent.

It makes me feel good when people tell me how well you behave …,’ she used to say. When she was upset with me she used to threaten me with ‘You are going to make me sick, and I am going to die, and what are you going to do then?

Talking about someone to another person instead of communicating directly is called triangulation, and it is about controlling the flow of information. It is a manipulation technique that works only in families with broken dysfunctional communication, and it is a perfect tool for a narcissist. They can create tension between the members of the family and benefit from it by playing the one who solves all problems. It is another way of getting in a higher position of influence.

in the academic literature, making children responsible for the emotional well-being of the parents was referred to as emotional incest. It is a heavy burden for young children because they do not even know how to look after their own emotions yet.

Covert narcissists are different than other abusers because they purposefully project a good image of themselves to the outside world. They want to be seen as what society would refer to as ‘good people.’ It is a part of the illusion for the covert narcissists. To make the false image work they need you to play along, to enable them, to project back the false image. They become openly abusive only when their manipulation techniques fail to work.

Because the covert narcissists are not very good achievers, and because of their need for supply, they need a spouse who is easy to manipulate and who will not call them out on their bullshit – someone to deal with real life while the narcissists are busy maintaining the illusion of how great they are.

A child who is a victim of emotional incest may be isolated from others and struggle to make and maintain friendships. They can also develop depression, anxiety, and poor self-esteem

Silent treatment cannot be argued with, it’s based on emotions and not on logic. The line of communication is cut off, and it means the existence of the child can be reduced to nothing.

To have the children behave in a pleasing manner, the narcissistic mothers use conditional love and fear, sending the message the kids will be shunned and the love taken away it they step out of line.

Narcissists expect you to be fit and healthy because the very reason for having children was so that they would be their supporters and allies, they are supposed to look after them and not to be a problem and a burden.

What I am talking about here is the systematic use of the punishment to demean and to avoid explanations the narcissists are not comfortable with. The control is achieved by the means of humiliating and terrifying a child.

Even though many victims of narcissistic parents recall they knew something was wrong with their seemingly good parent when they were very young, as they grew up they still ended up blaming themselves for being fundamentally flawed and never good enough.

Covert narcissists change their attitude depending on who they want to project their image to. My father was at work all day and my mother was showing us what a good mother she was with food, but she easily changed her behaviour to target my father, not caring at all about the inconsistency in her behaviour.

Covert narcissists, as the name implies, are very good at hiding their true needy and abusive nature. And because the narcissistic mothers enjoy having small children, a presumption is created that they are good mothers. And they are not shy of actively promoting the image of the good mother – repeatedly telling you how much they sacrifice for you and brainwashing your perceptions of who they really are.

Birthday parties and events will be thrown for the child to elicit admiration and attention from others.  However, the child will be punished, berated and humiliated in the middle of the party in front of an audience if they behave against the expectations of the self-absorbed mother.  The party only serves to generate additional narcissistic supply for the mother, not a pleasurable event for the child.  Events are scheduled, changed, and cancelled in order to exert and announce control over the child.  They make it very apparent to the child that the mother can both give pleasure and take pleasure away by these means. 

In “Gaslighting” situations, the goal is to isolate and brainwash the victim to control the victim’s version of reality.

an example is a father always disapproving of his son’s decisions to the extent that the son questions decisions he suspects his father would not agree with. The father may want to control every decision made by his son consciously or unconsciously, but he might be gaslighting the son into doubting his own choices.

Gaslighting is an attempt at convincing a person of something being true by forcefully asserting it or making up flimsy evidence, blatantly denying that one has said something one has said.

I was not able to watch TV shows because I felt so bad for the characters if there was any drama or danger involved.

needs,

Narcissistic fathers poison the whole family with this competitive energy and instead of creating a safe environment for the children to grow, they turn family members against each other. The children’s mother and the scapegoated child are usually the ones to blame for all the failures, mistakes and wrongdoings, particularly for those he himself has committed. His wife is described as emotionally cold, distant, unloving, unsupportive and a sabotager of his and the family happiness or she takes the role of the flying monkey, catering to his needs, adoring him and supporting his toxic parenting, many times unconsciously.

When we were around other people, I would put on a facade, and so would she. We made others believe that our relationship was something that it was not, that she was the ideal mother, and that we were as close as you would expect any other mother and daughter to be.

Because of the way that covert narcissists operate, you may often find yourself doubting who your mother’s “true” self is, as you see her move from being warm, caring, open, and vulnerable to cold, callous, and abusive–without any warning, as if a button has been pushed.

All covert narcissist mothers, in some way, commit acts of emotional incest. It occurs when a parent depends on their child for the emotional support and love typically provided by an adult partner

Imagine loving someone with everything you have, only for them to leave you nothing but a shell of yourself.

The last thing you can expect of a narcissist is an expression of guilt, remorse or apology (Saltzman, 2009)

After spending five decades of being beaten down, mistreated, and stabbed in the back, little Dana grew up. Little Dana fearlessly faced her trauma wounds. Little Dana cracked open that terrifying door to process and to address everything. And when I write everything, I mean ‘every rotten thing said and done to harm me.’ Everything from my early childhood sexual abuse, child neglect, psychological abuse, physical abuse, unfit parenting by my narcissistic mother, to my sister’s spouse who sexually assaulted me, to every imaginable covert scheme by my six toxic siblings (AKA Flying Monkeys) who sadistically enjoyed hurting me. They each took great pleasure in trying to destroy me, my life, my health, my relationships, my career, and my reputation.

Some narcissists live constantly in the Pity mode, and these are known as Covert Narcissists, or according to Paul Wink in his paper, The Two Faces of Narcissism2, they have Vulnerability-Sensitivity. The traditional narcissists that we know and don’t love are known as Overt Narcissist, and they have Grandiosity-Exhibitionism.

They will put others down if it makes them look better in everyone else’s eyes without hesitation.

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