Condom Jokes Quotes

A little boy and his friends are being called bastards and bitches by bullies at school. The boy goes home and asks, "Dad, what are bastards and bitches?" And his dad replies, "Bitches are ladies and bastards are gentlemen." Then the boy goes upstairs to see his mom. As he enters the room, he accidentally drops a perfume bottle, and his mom says, "Shit!" "Mom, what is shit?" and she says, "Perfume." So he goes to see his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Some men would not still be HIV negative or alive, if they had managed to sleep with some of the women with whom they want or wanted to have sex.

Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That’s a kids’ show?

Condom,” she gasped. A movement stopped. “What?” Phoebe felt the earth open up in preparation of swallowing her. How could she have not mentioned this before? “I’m not on anything right now,” she whispered. “Birth control. I’m not on the Pill.” She gestured helplessly. “Shit, fuck, damn.” Disappointment tied her in knots. “I was really only interested in that middle part,” she joked.

Three nuns are talking. The first one says, “I was cleaning Father’s room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines.” “What did you do?” the second nun asks. “Well, of course I threw them in the trash.” “Well, I can top that,” says the second nun. “I was in Father’s room putting away his laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!” “Oh my!” gasps the first nun. “What did you do?” “I poked holes in all of them!” At which point, the third nun faints.

his dad (who is carving a chicken), and his dad cuts himself and yells, "Fuck!" The boy asks, "Dad, what does fuck mean?" and dad says "preparing." Then he follows his dad upstairs. A few minutes later his mom and dad are about to have sex when his dad says, "Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken.

Anyway, my dad gave me a whole birth-control kit for college, so we don’t even have to worry about it.” Peter nearly chokes on his sandwich. “A birth-control kit?” “Sure. Condoms and…” Dental dams. “Peter, do you know what a dental dam is?” “A what? Is that what dentists use to keep your mouth open when they clean it?” I giggle. “No. It’s for oral sex. And here I thought you were this big expert and you were going to be the one to teach me everything at college!” My heart speeds up as I wait for him to make a joke about the two of us finally having sex at college, but he doesn’t. He frowns and says, “I don’t like the thought of your dad thinking we’re doing it when we’re not.” “He just wants us to be careful is all. He’s a professional, remember?” I pat him on the knee. “Either way, I’m not getting pregnant, so it’s fine.” He crumples up his napkin and tosses it in the paper bag, his eyes still on the road. “Your parents met in college, didn’t they?” I’m surprised he remembers. I don’t remember telling him that. “Yeah.” “So how old were they? Eighteen? Nineteen?” Peter’s headed somewhere with this line of questioning. “Twenty, I think.” His face dims but just slightly. “Okay, twenty. I’m eighteen and you’ll be eighteen next month. Twenty is just two years older. So what difference does two years make in the grand scheme of things?” He beams a smile at me. “Your parents met at twenty; we met at--” “Twelve,” I supply. Peter frowns, annoyed that I’ve messed up his argument. “Okay, so we met when were kids, but we didn’t get together until we were seventeen--” “I was sixteen.” “We didn’t get together for real until we were both basically seventeen. Which is basically the same thing as eighteen, which is basically the same thing as twenty.” He has the self-satisfied look of a lawyer who has just delivered a winning closing statement. “That’s a very long and twisty line of logic,” I say. “Have you ever thought about being a lawyer?” “No, but now I’m thinking maybe?

Brady! You can’t watch that!” He looked up at me, his eyebrows furrowed, from his place on the floor. The remote was far away from him, next to the screen, so he couldn’t have changed the channel. I snatched it up and hit the information button. “What the hell is a YoGabbaGabba?” I looked back over at Brady and frowned. “Uh, never mind. Go ahead.” Walking with purpose back into the kitchen, I whispered into the receiver. “Okay. No joke, there is a talking, dancing, bright red, studded dildo on the screen. There are other ones that look like him, and I swear to God one is wearing a condom on his head. That’s a kids’ show?” I looked back into the living room. “Whatever happened to good old-fashioned cartoons? Don’t they have good shit like Animaniacs anymore?

Condom,” she gasped. A movement stopped. “What?” Phoebe felt the earth open up in preparation of swallowing her. How could she have not mentioned this before? “I’m not on anything right now,” she whispered. “Birth control. I’m not on the Pill.” She gestured helplessly. “Shit, fuck, damn.” Disappointment tied her in knots. “I was really only interested in that middle part,” she joked. There was a second of silence, followed by a low chuckle. “You’re never predictable, Phoebe. I’ll give you that. Cross your fingers.” “What?” “Cross your fingers. I might have a condom in my shaving kit.” There was movement and rustling, then the sound of a zipper being opened. “I’m going to have to put on the light.” She briefly debated being polite and closing her eyes, but who was she kidding? She wanted to see Zane naked. In preparation, she raised up on one elbow and stared in his general direction. When the light came on, she saw all she wanted and more. He was kneeling at the end of the sleeping bag. Naked, aroused and more physically perfect than any man had a right to be. She saw the definition in his arms, the broad strength of his chest and his flat stomach before lowering her attention to his large, hard penis. The physical proof of his desire for her made her so happy, she nearly cried. Her other instinct was to part her legs, tell him never mind with birth control and protection and demand he take her right there. As that last bit was only ever going to happen in her fantasies, she contended herself with stretching out her arm and lightly grazing the tip of him with her fingers. He stiffened instantly, then turned to look at her. If she’d had any doubts about his willingness to participate, they were put to rest by the fire in his eyes and the tightness of his expression. He was a man on the sexual edge, and she couldn’t wait to push him over. He shook his head and forced his attention back to the shaving kit. At first he set the various items on the foot of the sleeping bag, but after a couple of seconds, he simply turned the container over and dumped out the contents. “Be here, be here, be here,” he muttered as he pawed through everything. Then he grabbed a square packet in triumph. “Got one.” She couldn’t help smiling. “Only one?” He grinned. “We’ll have to be creative after that.” He handed her the condom, then clicked off the light. “Where was I?” he asked. “You can pretty much be anywhere you want to be,” she told him. “Good. Then I want to be here.” He pulled off her panties in one smooth move. Then there was nothing.

The Pillowcase" is printed with iridescent fish, each facing a different direction. I bought it for you at the Portland Goodwill our last semester in college. Spring break we brought it camping. I pretended I’d eaten sardines before, pretended I liked them. I don’t remember what you said when the condom broke. Probably ‘Oh, shit.’ The next day we drove into town. I took a pill and another pill and it was over. I couldn’t tell the difference, could have told my friends but didn’t, just made lots of dead baby jokes and went to bed in your dorm room. You’d put painter’s tape on all the edges. With the pillowcase, it was like living in the blueprint of an aquarium. I slept there the night I smoked Sasha’s weed and you stayed up for hours rubbing my back, telling fairytales so I wouldn’t totally lose it. I slept there the night I tried reading you Haruki Murakami’s Sleep but fell asleep. I slept there the night after the day I lost the bet and had to wear a lampshade on my head and your professor said ‘Nice hat.’ Later I learned she owns a lamp in the shape of a woman. I slept there the night you said ‘I think I’m falling in love with you,’ igniting a great unendurable belongingness, like a match in a forest fire. I burned so long so quiet you must have wondered if I loved you back. I did, I did, I do.

This can’t be legal,” she whispered. He raised his head. “Why not?” “It feels too good.” He chuckled. She heard the sound, felt the soft exhalation of cool air on her bare, damp breasts, but she couldn’t see anything. Not him, not herself. It was strange, but in a good way. The darkness gave her courage. “Take your clothes off,” she said, knowing that she would never have managed the words in the light. “Yes, ma’am.” There was rustling, then nothing, then the distinctive sound of a zipper being pulled down. Her heart thundered in her chest. She tried to imagine him naked. What would he look like? Thinking about him naked made her imagine him standing in front of her--erect. And thinking about that made her think about him pushing inside of her. Filling her. Making her-- “Condom,” she gasped. A movement stopped. “What?” Phoebe felt the earth open up in preparation of swallowing her. How could she have not mentioned this before? “I’m not on anything right now,” she whispered. “Birth control. I’m not on the Pill.” She gestured helplessly. “Shit, fuck, damn.” Disappointment tied her in knots. “I was really only interested in that middle part,” she joked. There was a second of silence, followed by a low chuckle. “You’re never predictable, Phoebe. I’ll give you that. Cross your fingers.” “What?” “Cross your fingers. I might have a condom in my shaving kit.

He sat back with a sigh. “This is the peril of loving a psychologist, isn’t it?” Anne smiled. “That and the bad sex jokes.” He perked up. “There are bad sex jokes?” “So many bad sex jokes. Thousands of them.” “That’ll give me something to look forward to then.” “MURPHY.” He leaned closer as they waited for the formal arrival of Jetta Ommunsdotter in Terry and Gemma’s drawing room. “Yes, love?” “What do a condom and a coffin have in common?” “I’m shocked that I don’t know. What do a condom and a coffin have in common?” “They both hold stiffs. But one is coming and one is going.” The corner of his mouth turned up. “I

Two old ladies are standing at a bus station and they are both smoking. Suddenly, it starts to pour. One of the women takes a condom out of her purse, cuts the end off, and slips it over her cigarette. “What are you doing?” the other woman inquires. “I don’t like it when my cigarette gets wet so I cover it with a condom.” “That’s quite a handy device. Where did you get it?” “At the pharmacy, of course.” The next day, her friend goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a condom. “What size?” asks the clerk. “I don’t know. . . one that will fit a Camel.

A boy and girl have been out on a date. As they pull into the girl’s driveway, she invites him to come over for dinner the next night to meet her parents. He agrees, and the girl promises that after dinner they will make love. The boy is pretty excited, as it will be his very first time having sex—so on his way home, he decides to stop by the pharmacy and buy some condoms. The next night at dinner, the girl’s mother asks the boy to say grace before dinner. He obliges with great enthusiasm, going on and on about repentance, forgiveness, mercy, and salvation. “I didn’t know you were such a religious person,” says the girl. “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.

Q: What is the definition of innocence? A: A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she’s making sleeping bags for mice.

Careful What You Ask For Protection and Prayer A girl asked her boyfriend over to dinner and to meet her parents, and told him that after that she’d like to go out and have sex with him for the first time. The boy is excited by the prospect, but he’s a virgin and so he goes to his father for advice. His father gives him some pointers on how to do it right, and then tells him he’d better go down to the pharmacist and get some protection. So the boy went to the pharmacist and explained the situation. The pharmacist told him about condoms and showed the boy the selection the drug store carried, and the boy selected a brand and a quantity that he thought would be good. That evening he went to his girlfriend’s house to have dinner and meet her parents. He goes inside and finds her parents already seated at the table. He offers to say grace, so everyone bows their heads. The boy takes an amazingly long time to say the prayer. After twenty minutes have gone by, the girl leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I didn’t know you were so religious.” The boy whispered back to her, “I didn’t know your dad was a pharmacist.

So he heads straight for the condoms an grabs a box a 24 Durex Avanti. He says they’ve got a 64mm width stead a the usual 56mm width. Also they in’t got extra lubricant, which means he generates his own, or rather, some lady’s own. You can tell Sonia Guha knows this when we get to the front a the checkout queue an start unloadin everything for her. You can just see it in her eyes. I mean, sure, she’s chattin to Amit an laughin at his jokes an lookin at him an all that. But she’s lookin at him with these Wow-you-wear-big-condoms eyes. She’s so impressed by the condoms an the aftershave an stuff that she don’t even notice the lipstick an pink bog roll or the pills. Me, I can’t believe Amit’s strategy’s actually workin. But then suddenly, just as she’spickin up the box a big condoms to put them in the carrier bag, some croaky voice behind us gives it,—Amit, vot is this gandh you buying? Amit turns an freezes.—Oh, hi, Aunty Narinder. How are you, Aunty? —Don’t you How-are-you me. Vot is this Durex business you buying? Wait till I tell your mama. —No, Aunty, wait. They ain’t for me, Amit goes, as if he’s forgotten Sonia Guha’s even there. Then there’s a pause as he thinks what he can say that’ll stop this aunty tellin his mum.—They’re for Mama an Papa. I’m doing the shopping for them. See, look, I also buy her Rimmel rose lipstick. I bought the toilet roll, even Bodyform with wings.

Did you know that your birth certificate is an apology letter from a condom company?

Condom or condom not, there is no try.

If you can’t joke about giant french ticklers and gas powered dildos in a fucking locker room then the terrorists win, E. Our freedoms are eroding. I’ll pick up lube and condoms instead. Bring your hand. It’s the only action you’re getting.

Where are the condoms?" The little boy asks, "What are condoms?" and his father says, "Condoms are coats and jackets." The following night his father invites over some important business clients. The boy opens the door for them and says, "Hello! Please come in, Bastards and bitches. Hang your condoms up here, my mom is upstairs rubbing shit on her face and my dad is downstairs fucking the chicken. ♦◊♦◊♦◊♦

Get this, we played Condom Roulette like the old days. Ever play? Every guy guesses a color—there’s Hot Red, Stallion Black, Lemon Yellow, Orange Orange. Okay, the last two are jokes, but you get the point. There’s this condom dispenser in the bathroom. It’s still there! So each guy puts a buck on the table. One guy gets a quarter and buys a condom. He brings it to the table. You open it and whammo, if it’s your color, you win!

Virgin mobile. What's the definition of innocence? A nun working in a condom factory, thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

My girlfriend only gives me a blowjob if I wear a condom. That's like taking a shit with your boxers on.