Carl's Doomsday Scenario Quotes

Cats don't drink cocktails,' I said. 'Cats don't shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.

The baby velociraptor settled into my lap. I suddenly felt uncomfortable having that many teeth so close to my crotch. If he bit me now, I didn’t know what would happen.

So help me god,” I said. “I will abandon you right here and right now if you choose to take up the kazoo.

Don’t compare your circumstances with how they were yesterday. Look at how they were years ago.

NecroBard This unusual class combines one of the most-loved occupations with one of the most reviled.

Gordo leaned over the counter and made a face. “This is your manager?” “Yep,” I said. He shook his head sadly. “You two are so dead.

Anyway, this could be something useful like Parkour or Jui-jitsu, or you could get f*cked and receive some useless crap like Stamp Collecting or Kombucha Brewing.

Carl?” she asked. I looked down into her large, glowing eyes. “Yeah?” “I’m not as dumb as I pretend to be. I know she’s dead.” “I know.” I wrapped myself around her. We both closed our eyes and braced for the end.

the sight of myself up on the screen, running full tilt through the Over City with nothing but a one-armed leather jacket and my nuts dangling free filled me with a strange, almost primal sense of vulnerability. I don’t know how nudists ever got used to it.

My four-year-old mind couldn’t possibly register it at the time, but it was the scent of happiness, of joy, of being a kid, of not being afraid.

If that’s true,” I said, “then you’re all in that same pot.” I turned to look at the audience. “All of you. If a government is afraid of what its people say, then maybe there’s a reason for it.

They were all gone. All I had left in this world was right here. Mongo soon started to snore. I could feel Donut’s warmth against the back of my neck. She breathed softly, oblivious of all that had occurred tonight. This, I thought, this is my family.

Carl. It’s too dangerous for a show to have guest stars that are more interesting than the main character. That’s why they killed Barb on Stranger Things.

murder chicken to go a’murdering

All elves originate with the high elves, who are big on banishing and wholesale genocide. It’s what happens when you live forever but still keep having babies.

Apito warns us of the great beast who yearns to unravel the heavens and kill all the gods. And now this great deceiver, this devourer of all that is holy, has a name. She is Donut, the Oak Fell, the death upon us all. She who ends.

Oh wow,” I said, turning the pack over in my hands. It was a collection of Louis L'Amour books. Westerns. My dad had an entire shelf of them. As a kid, I’d sneak one here and there and read the entire book in one night, hiding under the covers with a flashlight.

Turns two of your incisors into ripping, tearing, deadly chompers that would impress even the most self-hating goth. Increases melee bite damage by 50% ... ...“I’m totally giving this to Mongo when he wakes up. Carl, you’ll have to put them on him.” “Are we sure that’s a good idea?” I said. I eyed the still-sleeping Mongo uneasily.

Getting the two chompers on him had been easier than I had expected... ...He’d patiently allowed me to do it, whimpering like a dog getting his nails clipped. It’d only taken about five seconds. Now when he snapped his teeth, little tendrils of electricity exploded from his mouth. It’d scared him so much at first he’d actually peed himself...

The monster was a regular-sized, male lion with a mane. Half of his body was covered with a green, lumpy, glowing fungus that pulsated like he was being eaten. The green mold covered his legs and chest, and splattered tendrils of the stuff covered the lion’s face, like a pair of hands caressing it from behind. The lion’s right eye glowed like an emerald. Erupting from his mane were tentacles. Dozens of long, pink and green, finger-like worms waved in the air, making the creature appear to be some sort of fucked-up cat medusa.

Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said. “Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.

Now, if you’ve never had a flaming, skull-faced bear on roller skates barreling at you full speed, you don’t know what you’re missing.

Maybe we should have tested them first,” she said. “That’s what they’re gonna put on my tombstone.

I spent the next five minutes watching Donut attempt to talk the dinosaur into walking onto the treadmill. I’d just watched the pet plunge headfirst into a 13-foot-tall undead zombie frittata, but the idea of getting clean appeared to terrify him.

The thing was a horse-sized, multi-breasted, pitch black goat monster that looked like it belonged on the cover of one of those 1980s heavy metal album covers, one where if you played it backward, the words would tell you to murder your grandma.

The beast was a thirteen-foot-tall pile of body parts, all sewn together haphazardly as it shuffled forward. It was as if Doctor Frankenstein had dropped acid before he’d made his creation.

I would work for the forestry service as a forester.

I thought of poor GumGum the orc. Of Miss Quill. Of little Ricky Joe, the one-armed, child dwarf. I wondered if his mom ever had her baby.

+1 to the Bomb Surgeon Skill +1 to the Trap Engineer Skill +1 to Unarmed Combat Skill -25% Damage when using bladed weapons +25% Mana cost for damage-dealing spells +5% skill progression speed in all trap-making and bomb-making skills. + 2 Hide in Shadows Skill + Fear spell + 1 Intelligence + 5 Charisma +5 to the Find Trap Skill +5 to the Backfire Skill +5 to the Escape Plan Skill Access to the Desperado Club (already obtained) Access to the Naughty Boys Employment Agency This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class. Compensated Anarchists must choose a subclass upon descent to the sixth floor.

Former Child Actor This rare subclass is an offshoot of the Character Actor class. It can only be obtained by Crawlers who have both received the “Cut!” achievement and have obtained at least one trillion views. Once a spoiled brat superstar, then addicted to drugs, you have crawled back from the brink stronger than ever. You are ready for your comeback. This Charisma and Chance-based class could go either way. You’ll either rise to the top, or you’ll be dead in a ditch in a week. This unique Earth class is based on the Bard/Rogue Jack-Of-All-Trades subclass, but with a few distinctive differences. In addition to the following benefits, the most distinct aspect of this multi-faceted class is the Level-3 Character Actor skill. This skill increases in level only upon descent to the next floor. Additional benefits: Immunity to all poisons and diseases. Level-5 Cockroach skill. +10 to Charisma. +15% faster growth in all Charisma-based skills. The Manager Benefit. This is an Earth Class. As an incentive to choose an Earth Class, you will receive a Silver Earth Box upon choosing this class.

Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said. “Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes either, Carl, but here we are. Mama needs a night off.

We were headed into the legislative chamber of this town, and the last thing we needed was the murder chicken to go a-murdering when all we wanted to do was talk.

I want to try one of Miss Beatrice’s favorite drinks. Either a Sex on the Beach or a Long Island Iced Tea. Or that one. What is it, Carl? She always says it’s her Kryptonite.” “A Dirty Shirley,” I said. “Yeah, I want to try that one.” “Cats don’t drink cocktails,” I said. “Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.

Those dogs sound just awful,” Donut said, her voice slurring. “Bitch-ass rottweilers. Almost as bad as cocker spaniels. Think they’re so smart.

I want you two up early. Tomorrow is going to be a big day.” “What’re we doing?” Donut asked. “Oh, it’s going to be amazing,” Mordecai said. “It’s going to be a day for the history books. It’ll be the first time you two do exactly what I tell you to do.

Every crawler within the designated blast area is fucked. The object of this quest is simple. Unfuck yourself. Don’t die.

The idea of facing a group of fully-grown Mongos was goddamned terrifying. I didn’t know what floor these things normally lived on, but I hoped we’d never have to face them.

the

Oh sweetie,” Donut said. “I think we got off on the wrong foot. Let’s start over.” “Yeah, okay,” Pustule said. “We wouldn’t want anybody getting off on any feet.

If it used to be okay, but it’s not okay anymore, then maybe you should do something about it. Don’t compare your circumstances with how they were yesterday. Look at how they were years ago. We’re supposed to be making the world… the universe… a better place for our children. If it’s not better, if you’re dealing with cruelty, with neglect, then you should do something about it.

He’s not your child, Donut. He’s a pet. We don’t put our lives in danger for our pets.” I regretted it the moment the words came out of my mouth. Donut looked as if I’d slapped her.

Will you put my tree together?” Donut asked. “And maybe light my candle? Miss Beatrice used to light candles.

Zev says the shows on Earth are better than anything she’s ever seen. We could make new ones and bring them to the universe. Maybe if the television shows are good enough, people wouldn’t be so interested in watching real-life people kill each other,” she said.

It’d felt as if someone had taken their dirty fingers, sunk them directly into the meat of my brain, and dragged.

Cats don’t shoot lasers from their eyes, either, but here we are, Carl. Mama needs a night off.

This, I thought, this is my family.