Bpd Love Quotes

You survived by seizing every tiny drop of love you could find anywhere, and milking it, relishing it, for all it was worth. And as you grew up, you sought love, anywhere you could find it, whether it was a teacher or a coach or a friend or a friend's parents. You sought those tiny droplets of love, basking in them when you found them. They sustained you. For all these years, you've lived under the illusion that somehow, you made it because you were tough enough to overpower the abuse, the hatred, the hard knocks of life. But really you made it because love is so powerful that tiny little doses of it are enough to overcome the pain of the worst things life can dish out. Toughness was a faulty coping mechanism you devised to get by. But, in reality, it has been your ability to never give up, to keep seeking love, and your resourcefulness to make that love last long enough to sustain you. That is what has gotten you by.

In some ways, com­ing to terms with my­self and work­ing to­ward re­cov­ery has been like say­ing “I love you” to some­one but keep­ing a loaded gun hid­den in your back pocket, just in case that per­son pisses you off enough.

Validation helps to bring down emotions and make them more manageable for everyone, not just the person with BPD.

Borderlines may destroy what is good and loved by their children because they are intensely jealous of the loved object.

I'm constantly searching for confirmation of his love for me, and each of his gestures and words, no matter how trivial, can either prove or disprove it.

bargaining This stage is characterized by the non-BP making concessions in order to bring back the “normal” behavior of the person they love. The thinking goes, “If I do what this person wants, I will get what I need in this relationship.” We all make compromises in relationships. But the sacrifices that people make to satisfy the borderlines they care about can be very costly. And the concessions may never be enough. Before long, more proof of love is needed and another bargain must be struck. depression Depression sets in when non-BPs realize the true cost of the bargains they’ve made: loss of friends, family, self-respect, and hobbies. The person with BPD hasn’t changed. But the non-BP has.

When you travel to another country, it’s important to know the local customs. When you’re interacting with someone with BPD, it’s crucial to understand that their unconscious assumptions may be very different from yours. They may include: I must be loved by all the important people in my life at all times or else I am worthless. I must be completely competent in all ways to be a worthwhile person. Some people are good and everything about them is perfect. Other people are thoroughly bad and should be blamed and punished for it. My feelings are caused by external events. I have no control over my emotions or the things I do in reaction to them. Nobody cares about me as much as I care about them, so I lose everyone I care about—despite the desperate things I do to stop them from leaving me. If someone treats me badly, then I become bad.

Although borderline mothers may love their children as much as other mothers, their deficits in cognitive functioning and emotional regulation create behaviors that undo their love. Borderline mothers have difficulty loving their children patiently and consistently. Their love does not endure misunderstandings or disagreements. They can be jealous, rude, irritable, resentful, arrogant, and unforgiving. Healthy love is based on trust and is the essence of emotional security.

Most kids who don't feel enough love and nurturance carry around this kind of inner rage- a rage that often lasts throughout adulthood. The people who should have cared for them didn't. The lesson to take away: All people are shit. This is why troubled youth walk around with chips on their shoulders and why they are so hard to help. Early on they learn that people can't be trusted. They often spend the rest of their lives embracing this damaging belief. Seeing the world through shit-coloured glasses, they are hypersensitive to every possible slight or judgement, and they believe anyone friendly or kind must have an ulterior motive. Despite all this, wounded people desperately want and need love. But, terrified to trust, they constantly do thing to test and sabotage their relationships. This push-pull dance is well-known to anyone who's ever been close to a victim of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. Those who suffer from BPD are hypersensitive to perceived slights from others and can grow notoriously hostile when they feel dissed.... For survivors of abuse, who you trust is a matter of survival. Its black and white. There can be no apologies. There can be no gray. There are no exceptions.-Scared Selfless

People with BPD look to others to provide things they find difficult to supply for themselves, such as self-esteem, approval, and a sense of identity. Most of all, they are searching for a nurturing caregiver whose never-ending love and compassion will fill the black hole of emptiness and despair inside them.

You will become effective only when your loved one can trust you. For years, your loved one with BPD has felt emotionally isolated and misunderstood. How can he trust someone he feels has never heard him? He will begin trusting you when he senses you are truly listening to him, actually hearing what he says, and really trying to communicate with him. Having the humility to acknowledge your own mistakes will help you begin to repair the damage brought about by years of miscommunication. This will be a very slow process but, over time, you can do it.

Those who practice DBT are compassionate and dedicated to understanding the experience of BPD but at the same time believe, unwaveringly, that the most compassionate thing we can do is help people with BPD to change.

Essentially, people with BPD look to others to manage their feelings for them. Someone with BPD wants others to provide them with things they find difficult to supply for themselves, such as self-love, stable moods, and a sense of identity. Most of all, they are searching for a nurturing caregiver whose never-ending love and compassion will fill the black hole of emptiness and despair inside them. Rachel Reiland, author of Get Me Out of Here: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder, had BPD for many years, but has fully recovered. In an email, she describes the conflicting feelings

Most kids who don't feel enough love and nurturance carry around this kind of inner rage- a rage that often lasts throughout adulthood. The people who should have cared for them didn't. The lesson to take away: All people are shit. This is why troubled youth walk around with chips on their shoulders and why they are so hard to help. Early on they learn that people can't be trusted. They often spend the rest of their lives embracing this damaging belief. Seeing the world through shit-coloured glasses, they are hypersensitive to every possible slight or judgement, and they believe anyone friendly or kind must have an ulterior motive. Despite all this, wounded people desperately want and need love. But, terrified to trust, they constantly do things to test and sabotage their relationships. This push-pull dance is well-known to anyone who's ever been close to a victim of abuse, neglect, or abandonment. Those who suffer from BPD are hypersensitive to perceived slights from others and can grow notoriously hostile when they feel dissed.... For survivors of abuse, who you trust is a matter of survival. Its black and white. There can be no apologies. There can be no gray. There are no exceptions.-Scared Selfless

Therapists sometimes warn family members not to depend on the person with BPD to validate their self-worth, yet young children have no choice. They can and will do anything to hold onto the good mother (the loving, caring person) who unpredictably turns into the Witch mother (the terrifying, raging beast).

The emptiness a BP feels is far more profound than what you and I experience. While we can hopefully convince ourselves that our feelings of emptiness are temporary, and therefore manageable, the BP considers them hopeless and infinite. In all-or-nothing fashion, they have a nearly impossible time seeing beyond the gloom until their mood swings the other way. Mistrust As you can imagine, if your spouse is constantly terrified of abandonment, they may not be able trust you. Trying to tell a BP that you love them is like quenching their thirst with an eyedropper. The moment you give them a drop, they immediately crave more. When you balk at delivering an endless supply, they mistrust your motives and attack you.

1. Ask yourself what emotion you’re having and focus on not responding from the emotion. As you saw in Chapter 4, regulating your own emotion is always the first step in responding effectively to someone with BPD. This is true no matter which of the faces of BPD described in Part II you’re seeing. But it’s paramount when your partner is being pulled down by emotional vulnerability. Let’s say your spouse or sibling or best friend is going back and forth between extreme sadness and despair that her life is not different and anger at you. It’s only human to have emotional reactions to being attacked. In addition, believing that your loved one might actually lose control of her emotions and the consequences might be dire is frightening. It’s these high emotions of your own that can cause you to make frantic attempts to fix things or to withdraw from your loved one.

The feelings of the person with BPD may not make sense to you, but they do make sense to them. Here are some guidelines for how to address them: Don’t judge the person’s feelings, deny them, trivialize them, or discuss whether or not you think they are “justified.” Restate the person with BPD’s feelings; dig a bit beneath the surface for feelings that may not be as obvious. Ask the other person if your perceptions are correct. Show the person with BPD you are hearing what they are saying. Avoid sounding patronizing or condescending, or the person with BPD may get enraged because you don’t sound like you are taking his or her concerns seriously. If you want the conversation to facilitate change, you must validate your loved one’s emotions.

Many people say that when things are good, they’re really good. The flattery, attention, and obsessiveness are exhilarating to the ego. To feel so important to someone can be exciting and empowering. The exhilaration can be recognized immediately, especially if you have not been in this position of being an “idol” before. You may also begin to look for the exhilaration—to anticipate the flattery and attention. And, after a while, when the flattery begins to gradually fade, you will miss it and may even make attempts to get your loved one with BPD to idolize you again. The law of intermittent reinforcement applies here again, since your loved one may intermittently engage in obsessiveness and flattery throughout the relationship. This in turn reinforces your commitment to the relationship. Jim

BPD also influences the lives of family members, friends, and caregivers. If a chemist were to concoct a potion that would create stress, concern, and heartbreak among loved ones, this potion would probably look a lot like BPD.

If, as is more likely, your loved one has the unconventional form of BPD, they may insist that everyone else is the problem. They will have no interest in therapy, and they will be verbally and emotionally abusive. There is a 99 percent chance that they will DARVO: deny, attack, reverse, claim victimhood, and make you into the offender.

Remember, your loved one’s behavior is not about you. You may feel controlled or taken advantage of through threats, no-win situations, the silent treatment, rages, and other methods that seem unfair. But, no matter what the person with BPD may say, everything that’s going on stems not from you, but from the disorder, and the deep pain your loved one feels inside.

If you fail the test by becoming irritated or angry, firmly holding a personal boundary, or holding the person with BPD accountable, they may feel that you have confirmed your lack of love for them. You will also have confirmed their own unworthiness to be loved by anyone. But if you pass the test by tolerating their unfair action, they may simply escalate their behavior next time—for example, by showing up for your next scheduled lunch two hours late. Then, when you finally blow up in anger, you become the bad guy, and they become the victim. You may be wondering, “What kind of test is this? No matter what happens, we both fail!” You’re right. It doesn’t make any sense to someone without BPD. But it makes perfect sense in the borderline world.

After several of these counseling sessions, she would become enflamed at me for sharing negative descriptions of our marriage. Remember, a BP doesn’t accept shades of gray. If I insult any part of our union, she interprets this as a statement that I don’t love anything about

When we’re lonely, most of us can soothe ourselves by remembering the love that others have for us. This can be very comforting, even if these people are far away—sometimes even if they’re no longer living. This ability to hold others close, even in their physical absence, is called object constancy. Many people with BPD find it difficult to evoke an image of a loved one to soothe them when they feel upset or anxious. To someone with BPD, if that person is not physically present, they don’t exist on an emotional level. That’s why your loved one may call, text, or email you frequently—just to make sure you’re still there and still care about them.

With BPD, falling in love, intimacy, attachment - all open the trapdoor to yet another dark place.

At stage 1, the relationship begins with passion. You hold your partner in high regard, praise them, give them all your attention and hope or expect them to do the same. You probably,and without realising it, inflate the positives and might feel like they are “the one.” As the relationship progresses to stage 2, you become more sensitive to words and actions that could possibly hold even the slightest hint of negativity. You may fixate on the smallest of things like a late reply to their text or a missed call, and begin to question their motives and interest. This comes from a place of anxiety, a fear of abandonment and low self-worth. The symptoms of BPD will start to flare up and interfere. At stage 3, the relationship can take on a different tone again. You might start testing out your partner,deliberately push them away or behave unacceptably .You might cause arguments for no reason just to see how willing they are to fight for the relationship. Stage 4 rolls around and you will start to distance yourself from the love of your life, letting the relationship spiral downward because at that point, you are convinced that they are going to leave you. This is really painful for you. You don’t want them to leave, and they don’t want to leave you either. When they express confusion, you will hide away your real feelings and pretend that everything is fine. Stage 5 may be where the relationship ends, especially if your partner isn't aware yet that you are Borderline or just what that means ie this is the playing out of symptoms and not what you really want. Borderlines experience intense mood swings, ranging from sadness at the loss of the relationship to anger against the other person. The fear of abandonment becomes a reality and it fuels your emotional lability. There may be attempts by them to resolve things but if the relationship is really over, then we’re at stage 6, where the Borderline might spiral downward and experience a bout of severe depression. They may give into their thoughts of low self-worth and even resort to reckless behaviors and self-harming to seek distraction and relief. If the relationship hasn’t ended, the cycle may start all over again. The occurrence of this cycle and its intensity depends on whether or not you are managing your illness by seeking professional help, and if you have other sources of emotional support. The BPD cycle is not a sure thing to happen for people that have or know someone with BPD, nor is it an official symptom of the condition. However it is really very common and even if not officially a symptom ,it is symptomatic. The idea that people with BPD cannot ‘hold down’ relationships, however, is a misconception and as a matter of fact, many people with BPD do have healthy and successful relationships, especially if they have been in, or are going through therapy. Because of the intensity of their emotions ,Borderlines can be the most loving, caring empathic and fun partners. 6 “SOMEONE…HELP ME, PLEASE.” - DIALECTICAL BEHAVIOR THERAPY “I just got diagnosed.

People with BPD continually feel a dark hole of emptiness inside them. This symptom is hard to explain if you haven’t experienced it. So try this. Close your eyes. Imagine you’re about to move to an unfamiliar city where you don’t know anyone, and where everyone speaks a different language. You’re going by yourself because you have no family. Now, take away all of your spiritual or religious beliefs. Then ponder what makes your life meaningful. Now pretend you can’t do or have any of those meaningful things anymore. From now on, you’ll be living without meaning. That’s how people with BPD feel, more or less all the time. This is why they may grab onto you like you’re a life raft on the Titanic. Being alone leaves them without a sense of who they are—or causes them to feel like they do not exist. They have faith that you will fill that deep, empty hole for them. But, of course, you can’t. No one can do that. One man with BPD said it was like trying to fill the Grand Canyon using an eyedropper. This emptiness is behind the chaos that people with BPD routinely cause. Your loved one gets so angry because you cannot fill that hole. And they believe that the reason you can’t is because you aren’t trying hard enough. You didn’t spend every moment with them. You didn’t fulfill their every need. You tried to have a life of your own.

The effects of parental abandonment, abuse, and neglect can be mitigated if children have access to a relationship with a loving adult such as a teacher, a minister, a neighbor, or a relative who is empathically attuned to the child’s feelings.

Because the symptoms—splitting, intense push-pull interpersonal dynamics, displaced anger, and lack of sense of self— parallel those seen in Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), we have proposed that the four Stockholm Syndrome-conducive conditions not only give rise to the syndrome, but may eventuate in BPD if abuse is sufficiently severe and long-term. In less severe cases, the victim is likely to show only borderline personality characteristics (BPC). We conceptualize BPD and BPC as survival strategies, wherein the syndrome’s psychodynamics are generalized to persons other than the abuser/captor. We also propose that BPD and BPC can develop at any age, even in adulthood, as a consequence of prior chronic, long-term interpersonal abuse (Graham and Rawlings 1991).

Folks with BPD can’t trust others because they believe, on a fundamental level, that they don’t deserve to be loved or cared about.

Frequently, those who love someone with BPD become isolated because their loved one insists that they cut off ties with others. Too often, they comply.