Bob Newhart Quotes

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that.

I am a minimalist. I like saying the most with the least.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

There are a lot of questions I keep asking myself about why I do comedy. I guess I laugh to keep from crying. And I guess if you ever get me crying, I might not stop. This is the way I look at tragedy or else I'll cry.

All I can say about life is "Oh God, enjoy it.

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.

I've been married forty-five years. I think laughter is the secret.

A guy walks into a psychologist's convention with a banana in his pocket.When asked about the significance of this he says;well,they were all out of grapes.

I’d like to make a motion that we face reality. —BOB NEWHART, FROM THE BOB NEWHART SHOW

Well, if you’re a native Chicagoan, you know how dumb he [Dr. Robert Hartley] is. He gets on the Ravenswood El, he goes past his stop on Sheridan Road, he gets off in Evanston, where the El is on the ground, and then he walks back 55 blocks to his apartment. Now, would you want to have that man as a psychologist? A man who misses his stop every day?

Funny is funny is funny.

I'm one of those passengers who arrives at the airport five or six hours early so I can throw back a few drinks and muster up the courage to board the plane. Apparently I'm not alone because I've never been in an empty airport bar. I don't care what time you get there. Even at 8:00 a.m. you have to fight your way to the bar. At that hour, everyone drinks Bloody Marys so no one can tell it's booze- at least until they fall off their chair.

The closer you get to understanding humor, the more you begin to lose your sense of humor.

[On playing another character that was not Dr. Bob Hartley]: I think you're lucky when you realize what you are. Spencer Tracy always played Spencer Tracy. I'm not putting myself into that category, but, to the same extent, the part of me that was Bob Hartley is in my new character, Dick Loudin. If you make fine bone china and you're recognized as the best in the world, you don't suddenly announce you're going to make automobiles. We see it so much in this business. We're so self-destructive. If you really do something well, you should stick to it.

Here are some of the towns I played last year: Carmel, Indiana; Hutchinson, Kansas; and Huntsville, Alabama. I even played Peoria. So why not limit my dates to easy-to-reach cities like Toronto, Chicago, and Reno? Easier still, why not just retire?

I’ve found that there’s no real comfort in success. There’s never time to slow down, sit back, and relax. But there did come a moment later in my career when I knew that I had truly made it as a comedian. After I presented Richard Pryor with the lifetime achievement award at the American Comedy Awards, we were backstage posing for pictures. He looked up at me and said, “I stole your album.” For a split second, I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. The great Richard Pryor stealing my material? I was honored and stunned at the same time. “In Peoria, I went into the record store and I put it under my jacket and I walked out,” he continued. “Richard, I get a quarter royalty on every album.” With that, Richard Pryor pulled out a quarter and handed it to me. To have your album stolen by Richard Pryor is quite an achievement.

I think it was Jack Benny who once said, “A comic says funny things, but a comedian says things funny.” I guess I’d fall into that latter grouping.

I am a firm believer in the notion that what we think upon grows and, by constantly bombarding our lives with thoughts of what's missing, we are simply inviting more of that lack into our existence.  In the now famous words of Bob Newhart - "Stop It!".

Everyone is probably familiar with the story about the new guy in prison on death row. The first day he’s locked up, another inmate yells out, “Twenty-four!” Everyone on death row breaks up laughing. A little time goes by and another prisoner shouts, “Seventeen!” Again, everyone cracks up. The new guy asks another inmate, “What is that?” The inmate says, “They are telling jokes. We all know the joke, so they just give the punch line.” The new guy says, “Let me try. Twenty-nine!” Nothing happens. The inmate says, “See, some people can tell jokes and some people can’t.

Why, is one missing?” The story: “Did you take a shower?” Or: “I’ll get the half that eats.” The story: “I’m dating this girl and she works for a magician. Every night, he saws her in half. With my luck, I’ll get the half that eats.

Whether blustery in words or weather, there’s no putting on airs in Chicago. It’s too cold in the winter and too hot in the summer to walk around with any pretenses. You’ve got to be as real and solid as one of those bone-in rib eyes served at Gibsons Steakhouse. It’s a city where you say what you mean, mean what you say, and, most importantly, where you must be able to back up what you say. All in all, this makes it a great place for comedians to sharpen their acts.

I am three-quarters Irish and one-quarter German, which makes me a very meticulous drunk. My father’s side was half Irish, half German, my mother is full Irish. Come to think of it, I don’t know of any German comedians. Most Germans don’t have a sense of humor. They are very literal. Someone once said that more funny things are said at a cocktail party in Paris than in an entire year in Germany.

I’ve noticed that people with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world. They also tend to be more humble in success and less defeated in times of travail.

Bob Newhart five-minute therapy.” An old video clip from Bob Newhart, a classic comedian who played a psychologist on The Bob Newhart Show, will come up. Watch the clip and see what you think. Okay, did you watch it? Funny, right? I know it doesn’t portray my profession in the best light, but it makes an important point. In order to make new choices in your marriage, you have to stop making the old ones. I will admit that Newhart’s delivery needs some work, but the principle is sound. Stop doing what doesn’t work, and start choosing to do new things that do work.

Years later, in 1989, my family in Chicago was at a Christmas gathering. My sister M.J. was seated next to my mother. Mom’s memory was beginning to fade. My mother said, “Is Dad with us?” M.J. said, “No, Mom, Dad died a few months ago.” Mom said, “There were times I could have killed him.” Then there was a pause and Mom said, “I didn’t, did I?” with a laugh.