Bill Watterson Quotes

Reality continues to ruin my life.

It's not denial. I'm just selective about the reality I accept.

Sometimes when I'm talking, my words can't keep up with my thoughts. I wonder why we think faster than we speak. Probably so we can think twice.

You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants don't help.

I'm killing time while I wait for life to shower me with meaning and happiness.

People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world.

You can't just turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood. What mood is that? Last-minute panic.

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want.

You know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, but pretty soon...everything's different.

Dad, how do soldiers killing each other solve the world's problems?

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

I wish I had more friends, but people are such jerks. If you can just get most people to leave you alone, you're doing good. If you can find even one person you really like, you're lucky. And if that person can also stand you, you're really lucky.

You know, sometimes kids get bad grades in school because the class moves too slow for them. Einstein got D's in school. Well guess what, I get F's!!!

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

We're so busy watching out for what's just ahead of us that we don't take time to enjoy where we are.

I'm a misunderstood genius." "What's misunderstood?" "Nobody thinks I'm a genius.

That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!

Who was the guy who first looked at a cow and said 'I think I’ll drink whatever comes out of these when I squeeze ’em?

If people sat outside and looked at the stars each night, I'll bet they'd live a lot differently.

When life gives you lemons, chunk it right back.

Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

I find my life is a lot easier the lower I keep my expectations.

Rainy days should be spent at home with a cup of tea and a good book.

I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know.

God put me on earth to accomplish certain things. Right now, I’m so far behind, I’ll never die.

I think hiccup cures were really invented for the amusement of the patient's friends.

You know, sometimes the world seems like a pretty mean place.' 'That's why animals are so soft and huggy.

That's one of the remarkable things about life. It's never so bad that it can't get worse.

I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

I think we dream so we don't have to be apart so long. If we're in each other's dreams, we can play together all night.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?

You can drag my body to school but my spirit refuses to go.

Calvin : There's no problem so awful, that you can't add some guilt to it and make it even worse.

How come we play war and not peace?" "Too few role models.

Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words.

Hobbes: Do you think there's a God? Calvin: Well, somebody's out to get me!

I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point.

Calvin: Life's a lot more fun when you aren't responsible for your actions.

The world isn't fair, Calvin." "I know Dad, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor?

I think nighttime is dark so you can imagine your fears with less distraction.

I've been thinking Hobbes" "On a weekend?" "Well, it wasn't on purpose

A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day.

I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

Now what state do you live in?' 'Denial.

I like my smock. You can tell the quality of the artist by the quality of his smock. Actually, I just like to say smock. Smock smock smock smock smock smock.

To invent your own life's meaning is not easy, but it's still allowed, and I think you'll be happier for the trouble.

CALVIN: This whole Santa Claus thing just doesn't make sense. Why all the secrecy? Why all the mystery? If the guy exists why doesn't he ever show himself and prove it? And if he doesn't exist what's the meaning of all this? HOBBES: I dunno. Isn't this a religious holiday? CALVIN: Yeah, but actually, I've got the same questions about God.

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine and valleys of frustration and failure.

Hello Dad! It is now three in the morning. Do you know where I am?

What fun is it being cool if you can't wear a sombrero?

From now on, I'm not doing anything I don't want to do! The world owes me happiness, fulfillment and success.... I'm just here to cash in.

CALVIN: Isn't it strange that evolution would give us a sense of humor? When you think about it, it's weird that we have a physiological response to absurdity. We laugh at nonsense. We like it. We think it's funny. Don't you think it's odd that we appreciate absurdity? Why would we develop that way? How does it benefit us? HOBBES: I suppose if we couldn't laugh at the things that don't make sense, we couldn't react to a lot of life.

I'd hate to have a kid like me.

Calvin: Why are you crying mom? Mom: I'm cutting up an onion. Calvin: It must be hard to cook if you anthrpomorphisize your vegetables.

A day can really slip by when you're deliberately avoiding what you're supposed to do.

Ms. Wormwood: Calvin, can you tell us what Lewis and Clark did? Calvin: No, but I can recite the secret superhero origin of each member of Captain Napalm's Thermonuclear League of Liberty. Ms. Wormwood: See me after class, Calvin. Calvin: [retrospectively] I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information.

If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life.

Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN

If you can't win by reason, go for volume.

I wonder if you can refuse to inherit the world.

Wow, it really snowed last night! Isn't it wonderful? Everything familiar has disappeared! The world looks brand new! A new year ... a fresh, clean start! It's like having a big white sheet of paper to draw on! A day full of possibilities! It's a magical world, Hobbes, ol' buddy ... let's go exploring!

Girls are like slugs—they probably serve some purpose, but it's hard to imagine what.

Every time I've built character, I've regretted it.

Careful. We don't want to learn from this.

Calvin: I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog! Want to see my book report? Hobbes: (Reading Calvin's paper) "The Dynamics of Interbeing and Monological Imperatives in Dick and Jane: A Study in Psychic Transrelational Gender modes." Calvin: Academia, here I come!

The problem about the future is that it keeps turning into the present.

Getting an inch of snow is like winning 10 cents in the lottery.

I won't eat any cereal that doesn't turn the milk purple.

Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?

CALVIN: When I grow up I want to be an inventor. First I will invent a time machine. Then I'll come back to yesterday and take myself to tomorrow and skip this dumb assignment.

I'm related to people I don't relate to.

Look! A trickle of water running through some dirt! I'd say our afternoon just got booked solid!

Years from now, when I'm successful and happy, ...and he's in prison... I hope I'm not too mature to gloat.

CALVIN: As usual goodness hardly puts up a fight.

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

People pay more attention when they think you’re up to something.

For no reason I can think of, I've wandered far astray. And that is how I got to where I find myself today.

Calvin: Know what I pray for? Hobbes: What? Calvin: The strength to change what I can, the inability to accept what I can't, and the incapacity to tell the difference.

Mom and dad say I should make my life an example of the principles I believe in. But every time I do, they tell me to stop it.

Hold it. You know what I'd like to see? I'd like to see the three bears eat the three little pigs, and then the bears join up with the big bad wolf and eat Goldilocks and Little Red Riding Hood! Tell me a story like that, OK?

I say, if your knees aren’t green by the end of the day, you ought to seriously re-examine your life.

In the short term, it would make me happy to go play outside. In the long term, it would make me happier to do well at school and become successful. But in the VERY long term, I know which will make better memories.

If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are?

The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning and inhibit clarity.

I thought my life would seem more interesting with a musical score and a laugh track.

The secret to enjoying your job is to have a hobby that's even worse

Calvin: Look, a dead bird! Hobbes: It must've hit a window. Calvin: Isn't it beautiful? It's so delicate. Sighhh... once it's too late, you appreciate what a miracle life is. You realize that nature is ruthless and our existence is very fragile, temporary, and precious. But to go on with your daily affairs, you can't really think about that...which is probably why everyone takes the world for granted and why we act so thoughtlessly. It's very confusing. I suppose it will all make sense when we grow up. Hobbes: No doubt.

It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what’s cool.

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

History is the fiction we invent to persuade ourselves that events are knowable and that life has order and direction. That's why events are always reinterpreted when values change. We need new versions of history to allow for our current prejudices.

HOBBES: All this modern technology just makes people try to do everything at once.

I've got to start listening to those quiet, nagging doubts.

I have all these great genes, but they're recessive. That's the problem here.

For your information, I'm staying like this, and everyone else can just get used to it! If people don't like me the way I am, well TOUGH BEANS! It's a free country! I don't need anyone's permission to be the way I want! This is who I am - Take it or leave it!

Hobbes: Jump! Jump! Jump! I win! Calvin: You win? Aaugghh! You won last time! I hate it when you win! Aarrggh! Mff! Gnnk! I hate this game! I hate the whole world! Aghhh! What a stupid game! You must have cheated! You must have used some sneaky, underhanded mindmeld to make me lose! I hate you! I didn't want to play this idiotic game in the first place! I knew you'd cheat! I knew you'd win! Oh! Oh! Aarg! [Calvin runs in circles around Hobbes screaming "Aaaaaaaaaaaa", then falls over.] Hobbes: Look, it's just a game. Calvin: I know! You should see me when I lose in real life!

Mom’s not feeling well. So I’m making her a get well card.” “That’s thoughtful of you.” "See, on the front it says, ‘Get Well Soon’ … and on the inside it says,’Because my bed isn’t made, my clothes need to be put away and I’m hungry. Love Calvin.’ Want to sign it?” “Sure, I’m hungry too

[Calvin and Hobbes are playing Scrabble.] Calvin: Ha! I've got a great word and it's on a "Double word score" box! Hobbes: "ZQFMGB" isn't a word! It doesn't even have a vowel! Calvin: It is so a word! It's a worm found in New Guinea! Everyone knows that! Hobbes: I'm looking it up. Calvin: You do, and I'll look up that 12-letter word you played with all the Xs and Js! Hobbes: What's your score for ZQFMGB? Calvin: 957.

Creating a life that reflects your values and satisfies your soul is a rare achievement. In a culture that relentlessly promotes avarice and excess as the good life, a person happy doing his own work is usually considered an eccentric, if not a subversive. Ambition is only understood if it’s to rise to the top of some imaginary ladder of success. Someone who takes an undemanding job because it affords him the time to pursue other interests and activities is considered a flake. A person who abandons a career in order to stay home and raise children is considered not to be living up to his potential — as if a job title and salary are the sole measure of human worth. You’ll be told in a hundred ways, some subtle and some not, to keep climbing, and never be satisfied with where you are, who you are, and what you’re doing. There are a million ways to sell yourself out, and I guarantee you’ll hear about them. To invent your own life’s meaning is not easy, but it’s still allowed, and I think you’ll be happier for the trouble.

I think life should be more like TV. I think all of life's problems ought to be solved in 30 minutes with simple homilies, don't you? I think weight and oral hygiene ought to be our biggest concerns. I think we should all have powerful, high-paying jobs, and everyone should drive fancy sports cars. All our desires should be instantly gratified. Women should always wear tight clothing, and men should carry powerful handguns. Life overall should be more glamorous, thrill-packed, and filled with applause, don't you think?... Then again, if real life was like that, what would we watch on television?