Baldrick Quotes

So that's when I came up with the most ridiculous plan since I'd decided to take a witness statement from a ghost. It was a plan so stupid that even Baldrick would have rejected it out of hand.

That a woman conceived me, I thank her; that she brought me up, I likewise give her most humble thanks. But that I will have a recheat winded in my forehead or hang my bugle in an invisible baldrick, all women shall pardon me. Because I will not do them the wrong to mistrust any, I will do myself the right to trust none. And the fine is, for the which I may go the finer, I will live a bachelor.

Baldrick, we are about as similar as two...dis-similar things in a pod!

Oh man, Alex. That's sad. Seriously, mate, go get yourself laid." "What?" He gave Baldrick a quick kiss on his little head--he didn't care how stupid he looked, he loved his ugly cat--and put him down on his kitty bed in the corner. "Isn't that what single sad people do--get cats when they've given up on human companionship?

Baldrick: Have you got a plan, my lord? Blackadder: Yes I have, and it's so cunning you can brush your teeth with it!

Private Baldrick: Would you like some Rat au Van, Sir? Captain Blackadder: Rat au Van, Baldrick? Private Baldrick: Yes Sir, it's Rat that's been... Captain Blackadder, Private Baldrick: ... Run over by a van.

Yes, and this is mine. (Baldrick produces a single scruffy piece of paper.) My magnificent octopus.

Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!

Percy, you are dismissed from my service." "Me? Why, my lord?" "Why? Because, Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly, and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a funny codpiece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. That's why you're dismissed." "Oh, I see." "And as for you, Baldrick..." "Yes." "You're out, too.

He seemed to notice Walther’s baldrick across my chest for the first time—along with its royal crest. “You’re the—” “Yes.” He paled, blustering with apologies and began to drop to one knee, “Your Highness—” I stopped him, pushing him to his feet again by the tip of my sword. “It shouldn’t matter if I am a tavern maid or a princess. When I see you treating others with respect without regard to their station—or anatomy—then your apology will mean something.” I turned and walked away as he still blustered, weary that this was a battle I had to fight over and over again.

He struggles, however, to get past ‘aardvark’—‘Mediumsized insectivore with protruding nasal implement’. A repentant Baldrick is on hand with some characteristically hopeless suggestions. ‘C’, he suggests, is a ‘big blue wobbly thing that mermaids live in’. Blackadder is unamused. Baldrick tries out another of his efforts: ‘I’m quite pleased with “dog”,’ he says, pausing before supplying his definition—‘Not a cat’. Droll this may be, but