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Lily Samson, The Switch, Outtakes & Quotes, shameless manipulation of.
A one minute reading test
I am dog
--Dog, Marina Lewycka, Two Caravans, 2007
Allergies disclaimer:
One must stress that this book is not intended for the unwashed masses:
I delayed showering after the last switch. I’ve created a Pavlovian response: he must associate its floral sweetness with sexual fulfilment.
Adam has a “Pavlovian” reaction to Elena’s BO? Bribes her with cake to lessen the wrath when asking Elena to wash?
He frowns, seeing that I’m silent and trembling.
‘My perfume was weak; hers much stronger.’ I say, my temper flaring.
Now, ladies and gentlemen, the usual wasteman chatting up yours truly in Sarf London would probably assume that a big phat slice of Marks & Spencer’s Strawberry Pavlova will get him into the lady’s knickers.
Nope, she’s allergic to stupid.
A merengue dessert will hardly cause a rash, but a moron makes her skin crawl.
A female of the human species displayed an unconditioned response: shoved cream cake into the courting male’s face. Requested a substantial meal of Shchavel Borscht with hard boiled egg
--Anton Pavlovich Chekhov, Russian Cookbook for Love, Romance, and mating behaviours: Humans, 1904
Ding-dong!
--Ivan Petrovich Pavlov, Neutral Triggers & Conditioned Responses: Canines, 1907
It is I! I make the best Byzantine shchi to entice a female.
--Nikolai Vasilyevich Gogol, Dead Souls, Notebook (1841-1844), The Nose and other short stories
Right! She turned her nose up at his advances:
Idiot! I hate strawberries!
--Seraphima Vasilievna Karchevskaya Pavlova, Mrs, My Husband and I – Memoirs
The lady did not have a sweet tooth. Man didn’t do his research.
This is a cleverly written book.
So some of you, keen aspiring readers, please have your Oxford fictionary handy.
Just saying!
In the words of our hero:
Bloody pricey...But God, it is a nice smell. Don’t you like it?
And then he “squirts onto her wrist, playfully.”
Shhhh.. Doctors Pavlov & Chekhov are not amused.
Shall we shuffle the deck with these random quotes? One minute!
Plenty of time is a full minute for a skilled bullshit dealer to shuffle themselves out of a gloomy Russian medical clerical predicament.
Not tricky when Lily Samson gives treats:
All around us are dog walkers, their expensive breeds racing about, barking and sniffing each other’s genitals.
..thinking it all through those awful dog ornaments she hated... feisty feminist...she simply hates them.
Men are so stupid!
And then..
She took another whiff and yet another. She sniffed him up and down like a dog before realizing what it was: the aroma of a woman’s cunt.
--Milan Kundera, The Unbearable Lightness of Being
Gratuitous use of one particular French vulgarism nested in the English language since the Norman conquest of 1066 is well demonstrated by this Milan Kundera translation. One has to wonder if the original 1984 edition contained the word “pizda”?
It is one of the few remaining words in the English language with a genuine power to shock.
--Scholar Germaine Greer
But of course a cunt, in French, as much as el coño in Spanish does not carry near enough as much uncouth weight as in English.
The English language doesn’t exist. It’s just badly pronounced French.
--Bernard Cerquiglini
Quelle conne! Un con reste un con!
--William Shakespeare, Last Words, Holy Trinity Church, Gropecunt Lane, Stratford upon Avon, April 23rd 1616
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