Atheist Humor Quotes

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

I guess it’s true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches." "That’s atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

So. You get handed a holy sword by an archangel, told to go fight the forces of evil, and you somehow remain an atheist. Is that what you're saying?

I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn't believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

If I convert it's because it's better that a believer dies than that an atheist does.

Atheism is not a philosophy; it is not even a view of the world; it is simply an admission of the obvious. In fact, 'atheism' is a term that should not even exist. No one needs to identify himself as a 'non-astrologer' or a 'non-alchemist.' We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

Your Excellency, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I had a standing agreement with god. I'd agree to believe in him, barely, so long as he let me sleep in on Sundays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I love nuts. I'm for nuts. I am nuts.

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

God seemed to have become a brand, a packaging, and people purchase this trusted brand with such faith and devotion that they no longer care who the vendor is.

There is nothing like being told to go fuck yourself by the same person who was, only days before, praying on your behalf.

Bertrand Russell declared that, in case he met God, he would say to Him, "Sir, you did not give us enough information." I would add to that, "All the same, Sir, I'm not persuaded that we did the best we could with the information we had. Toward the end there, anyway, we had tons of information.

It’s possible to be flippant here, when Jihadists fly aircraft into buildings they shout God is Great, what do atheists shout when they do it?

God is Santa Claus for Grown-Ups.

In the world of your story, your outline is like the Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, your characters are all Atheists.

Christians believe that God loves you sooo much... he created hell, just in case you don't love him back.

The gods had a habit of going round to atheists' houses and smashing their windows.

A friend of Diagoras pointed out an expensive display of votive gifts and said, 'You think the gods have no care for man? Why, you can see from all these votive pictures here how many people have escaped the fury of storms at sea by praying to the gods who have brought them safe to harbor.' To which Diagoras replied, 'Yes, indeed, but where are the pictures of all those who suffered shipwreck and perished in the waves?

To some believers, being on the pill or using a condom is a nonverbal way of telling God to go to hell.

I'm a born-again atheist.

God doesn't send atheists to Hell -- there's no room with all the Christians down there.

He was an embittered atheist (the sort of atheist who does not so much disbelieve in God as personally dislike Him)...

Even those who want to go to heaven would rather kill than be killed.

You are more likely to find three TVs inside a randomly selected house than you are to find a single book that is or was not read to pass an exam, to please God, or to be a better cook.

But here's the biggest head-scratcher of all: Not only are atheists destroying our country, they're completely deluding themselves. There's simply no way to prove that there is no God. If I didn't hate them so much, I'd feel bad for these folks. Imagine going through life completely duped into thinking that there's no invisible, omniscient higher power guiding every action on Earth. It's just so arbitrary! Can't they see?

Those who say that I am being punished are saying that god can't think of anything more vengeful than cancer for a heavy smoker.

He was as nervous as a praying mantis at an atheists' picnic...

Most priests wish they were as righteous as they seem to most members of their congregations.

I get diarrhea more often than the average Muslim.

Communist until you get rich. Feminist until you get married. Atheist until the airplane starts falling.

If God created man in his image... Does God have a functioning penis? And does God manually handle every penis he creates? Or does he outsource the job to penis-manufacturing elves?

Stuey was in heaven, but he wished that he were in hell.

Whenever He answers prayers, God usually prioritizes those by people who, instead of their mouths, have prayed with their hands and/or feet.

Almighty God, I am sorry I am now an atheist, but have You read Nietzsche? Ah, such a book!

Some people wouldn’t still be sane, if they were not religious or superstitious; some wouldn’t be disabled or dead.

Even one person's misunderstanding [of a blue joke] may not be worth the next guy's laugh.

It goes without saying that even those of us who are going to hell will get eternal life—if that territory really exists outside religious books and the minds of believers, that is. Having said that, given the choice, instead of being grilled until hell freezes over, the average sane human being would, needless to say, rather spend forever idling in an extremely fertile garden, next to a lamb or a chicken or a parrot, which they do not secretly want to eat, and a lion or a tiger or a crocodile, which does not secretly want to eat them.

Justin reached past a pot of matzoh soup for some brisket. The brisket was drier than Rachel's pussy. At least there was pomegranate juice to wash it down. Fuck, he hated this food.

People will say,"there's heaven and hell", and they take it so serious that they look so sorrowful with penitence. I would rather ask them to show me the route that leads to heaven or hell.

Evidence is of no longer consequence when hope enters the fray, and this is where faith is born—a seemingly abundant commodity certain powerful organizations feed on fervently, if not lavishly.

I liked making people laugh, and I decided I was an atheist early on. My Dad was all right with that. We argued about it all the time, but it was good-natured. He was the most open-minded human being I've ever known.

Justin vomited in his mouth a little as he gazed upon a sea of black outfits and sidelocks. They looked like they were ready for a heavy metal concert, a funeral, or the hell that is a Brit Milah. Fuck, they looked ridiculous.

A saving grace of the human condition (if I may phrase it like that) is a sense of humor. Many writers and witnesses, guessing the connection between sexual repression and religious fervor, have managed to rescue themselves and others from its deadly grip by the exercise of wit. And much of religion is so laughable on its face that writers from Voltaire to Bertrand Russell to Chapman Cohen have had great fun at its expense. In our own day, the humor of scientists such as Richard Dawkins and Carl Sagan has ridiculed the apparent inability of the creator to know, let alone to understand, what he has created. Gods seem not to know of any animals except the ones tended by their immediate worshippers and seem to be ignorant as well of microbes and the laws of physics. The self-evident man-madeness of religion, as well as its masculine-madeness in respect of religion’s universal commitment to male domination, is one of the first things to strike the eye.

My name is Matt Besser, and I'm an Arkansas Razorback. My father is a Jew from Little Rock, Ark., my mother was a Christian from Harrison, Ark., and somehow I'm an atheist now living in L.A. I am a Razorback living in the Razorback diaspora.

Religion is a totalitarian belief. It is the wish to be a slave. It is the desire that there be an unalterable, unchallengeable, tyrannical authority who can convict you of thought crime while you are asleep, who can subject you to total surveillance around the clock every waking and sleeping minute of your life, before you're born and, even worse and where the real fun begins, after you're dead. A celestial North Korea. Who wants this to be true? Who but a slave desires such a ghastly fate? I've been to North Korea. It has a dead man as its president, Kim Jong-Il is only head of the party and head of the army. He's not head of the state. That office belongs to his deceased father, Kim Il-Sung. It's a necrocracy, a thanatocracy. It's one short of a trinity I might add. The son is the reincarnation of the father. It is the most revolting and utter and absolute and heartless tyranny the human species has ever evolved. But at least you can fucking die and leave North Korea!

You’ve lost faith in yourself? Isn’t that rich? A god who’s become a self-atheist!

An atheist is a person who has nobody to blame when he screws up.

atheist: (n.) one who dislikes people who believe in God.

She was not a Christian in the accepted sense; she did not believe that God had ever worked among us as a young artisan.

God was seldom discussed in our family except in a very distant sort of way, rather like our cousins in Canada.

If, when I die, I come face to face with God, I will allow him to seek my forgiveness.

As an atheist, when you ask me to pray for something it’s like asking me to blow on the dice so you can roll a lucky seven.

I am part of a minority that is deeply misunderstood. People have very confused ideas about us. Many are frightened of us. I've even heard it said that many people wouldn't want their daughters or sons to marry one of us, and I know of people who have been denied jobs or promotions because they share this trait with me. But being what I am does not make me bad; being what I am does not make me dangerous; being what I am does not mean I don't love, or hurt, or have a sense of humor. My name is Malclom Decter, and I'm here today to tell the whole world what I am. ... I am an atheist.

People who hate cats are like atheists, they cannot get through a conversation without telling you their views. There is such a righteousness that comes with it. You tell someone you have a cat, and they tell you, to your face, that they hate the thing you love. There are so few instances in life where this is acceptable. But cat haters can't wait to unleash their claws. They like to make you sound strange for loving an animal they don't understand. They tell you cats are not loyal. They shake their heads while you explain the loyalty you have experienced from your own. The madder they can make you look, the more satisfaction they seem to gain. People who don't like cats are scared of them because they don't know how to touch them, and therefore they question themselves and their abilities to feel safe. Or they are dead on the inside. It's one or the other.

I do not go to church. I don’t go to Christian church or Jew church or any other church. I don’t go to church at all. Not ever. A perfect Sunday for me is spent drinking green tea while reading the Sunday New York Times. Yikes! Why don’t I just turn in my Al-Qaeda membership form and call it a day? As if that wasn’t bad enough, not only do I not go to church: I don’t believe in God. How can I say the Pledge of Allegiance if I don’t believe in God? How can I spend our American currency which pledges “In God We Trust?” How can I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, so help me God? Answer: I can’t. It’s a real problem. Don’t get me wrong – I’d like to believe in God. I wish I did, especially if He was the kind of God that thought America was #1. But I don’t, which to many people is the same as not believing in America. Up until recently, I thought those people were lunatics.

There are people everywhere who form a Fourth World, or a diaspora of their own. They are the lordly ones! They come in all colors. They can be Christians or Hindus or Muslims or Jews or pagans or atheists. They can be young or old, men or women, soldiers or pacifists, rich or poor. They may be patriots, but they are never chauvinists. They share with each other, across all the nations, common values of humor and understanding. When you are among them you know you will not be mocked or resented, because they will not care about your race, your faith, your sex or your nationality, and they suffer fools if not gladly, at least sympathetically. They laugh easily. They are easily grateful. They are never mean. They are not inhibited by fashion, public opinion, or political correctness. They are exiles in their own communities, because they are always in a minority, but they form a mighty nation, if they only knew it. It is the nation of nowhere.

A flat screen television lowered into view. It showed an animated Islamic documentary that focused mostly on the importance of wearing the proper attire. The final prophet was quoted often, yet absent from the feature. “If this Mohammed guy is so great, why wouldn’t they put him in the cartoon?” Kira wondered.

Jace raised his eyebrows. "I knew it," he said. "You want to kiss me, don't you?" Simon threw up his hands in exasperation. "Of course not. But if-" "I guess it's true what they say," observed Jace. "There are no straight men in the trenches." "That's atheists, jackass," said Simon furiously. "There are no atheists in the trenches.

[When asked what he wants for his tombstone epitaph] Since I'm an atheist, and have no belief whatsoever in life after death, I couldn't care less -- it's not like it'll have any impact on me, since by definition I will be completely extinguished. I guess if someone twisted my arm and forced me to provide an epitaph, it would be 'Don't forget.' Sound advice...

[On famous Nobel Laureate Niels Bohr] [Niels] Bohr's sort of humor, use of parables and stories, tolerance, dependence on family, feelings of indebtedness, obligation, and guilt, and his sense of responsibility for science, community, and, ultimately, humankind in general, are common traits of the Jewish intellectual. So too is a well-fortified atheism. Bohr ended with no religious belief and a dislike of all religions that claimed to base their teachings on revelations.

There's almost always a church youth group at the soup kitchen. I have yet to see an atheists' youth group. Yeah, I know, religious people don't have a monopoly on doing good. I'm sure that there are many agnostics and atheists out there slinging mashed potatoes at other soup kitchens. I know the world is full of selfless secular gropus like Doctors without Borders. But I've got to say: It's a lot easier to do good if you put your faith in a book that requires you to do good.

We concluded the SALT II agreement, with a projected life of five years, when a more drastic reduction in nuclear armaments was contemplated. Although not ratified by the U.S. Senate, SALT II remained in effect beyond its expected time. The most interesting event was when Brezhnev said, at the beginning, “If we do not succeed, God will not forgive us!” As leader of an atheistic regime, he was embarrassed by the resulting silence, and Gromyko finally said, with an attempt at humor, “Yes, God above is looking down at us all.

I am so sorry to hear of Asher's passing. I will miss his scientific insight and advice, but even more his humor and stubborn integrity. I remember when one of his colleagues complained about Asher's always rejecting his manuscript when they were sent to him to referee. Asher said in effect, 'You should thank me. I am only trying to protect your reputation.' He often pretended to consult me, a fellow atheist, on matters of religious protocol. {Charles H. Bennett's letter written to the family of Israeli physicist, Asher Peres}

TO THE ATHEIST WHO IS CURRENTLY DYING IN HOSPICE: While you have the energy, invite all your friends over for a last supper. As they enjoy their meal of bread and wine, look at them and say, "One of you will betray me." Because, dear Atheist, there is a Judas among your apostles. A secret Christian in desperate need of a deathbed coversion to brag about at church. A friend who will wait until you are alone, then ask you to accept Jesus Christ as your personal savior. Who can blame this person? Convincing an atheist to die a Christian is the faith version of getting the Verizon guy to switch to Sprint. The moment your stage 4 fate was posted on Facebook, you went from being a regular dick to some Christian's Moby Dick. Believe me.

You will never turn on the news and hear a story claiming “Yesterday, another atheist suicide scientist blew himself up, killing dozens and injuring more.

The universe does not have a sense of humor. While we love the thought of an all-powerful deity watching over us and protecting us like a loving parent, in actuality, like God, the universe is indifferent to our needs and wants. That is both an unsettling thought and a sobering one. The next Horror contradicts everything we have ever been told about ourselves since we were young.

Our atheist thoughts go out to his family following their loss.

Vincent knew he was dying. A horrendous fever overwhelmed him with intolerable pain throughout many sleepless hours. It came as a result of a malaria epidemic that erupted in his hometown during early nineteenth century Europe. The disease spread so fast, physicians had to ration their stocks of quinine only to use it on patients who weren’t declared “hopeless”. Vincent was one of the unlucky ones. Speculating his time on Earth may be short, he requested spiritual guidance, even if he wasn’t a faithful man, nor did he believe in forgiveness. He appealed to the Church as a “just in case” like many other petrified atheists.

If you really want to know why atheists resent religion so much, try lying to someone for 10-20 years. If you don't have that kind of time, just ask my ex-wife.

As I write this, I am making a conscious, deliberate effort to be as clear as I possibly can and minimize any potential ambiguity. I know I will not be given the luxury of generous “interpretation” beyond what these words say at face value. I will literally be held to a much higher standard as a writer than God himself.

On Atheism – One man’s religion is another man’s superstition and, when you’re an atheist, they’re all superstitions.

None of these quotes are by me. Except this one. (All the others are by noted chemist and atheist Peter Atkins - or, as I like to call him, The Other Peter Atkins. I don't know how they got here. I'd say it was evidence of God's sense of humor, but I don't want to offend The Other Peter Atkins.)

My friend, I am no longer an atheist. Come on, I want to show you.

Does Alex Fierro bother you?' I asked. 'I mean... her being transgender? Like, with you being religious and all?' Sam arched an eyebrow. 'Being 'religious and all,' a lot of things bother me about this place.' She gestured around us. 'I had to do some soul-searching when I first realized my dad was... you know, Loki. I still don't accept the idea that the Norse gods are gods. They're just powerful beings. Some of them are my annoying relatives. But they are no more than creations of Allah, the only god, just like you and I are.' 'You remember I'm atheist, right?' She snorted. 'Sounds like the beginning of a joke, doesn't it? An atheist and a Muslim walk into a pagan afterlife...

Fergmen peered around the door. He looked nervous, like an atheist in a thunderstorm.

EVAN. Have you no faith? MELISSA. Of course not. I'm an atheist.

The truth is a farthing distance from god-ism and atheism. Were both of them, the religious nuts and the atheist bull-heads to stop farting, they would at the very least get a farthing of the Truth.