Archer Funny Quotes

It just seems like overkill when you already have a dagger and I have superpowerful magic at my disposal.” “‘Superpowerful?’”He stood up, a gold chain dangling from his fingers. “Let me remind you of two words, Mercer: Bad. Dog.

Um...Mercer? Haven't seen you in nearly a month. I was expecting something like, 'Oh Cross, love of my heart, fire of my loins, how I've longed--

Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.

So hologram means--" I finally said. "It means non-corporeal, yeah. Which sucks seeing as how there are a lot of very corporeal things I'd like to do with you right now.

Right. So no plans at all then?" Jenna frowned. "Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?" "Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry," Archer offered.

Last semester was intense,” I said to Dad. “Intense?” he echoed, picking up my file. “Let’s see. On your first day at Hecate, you were attacked by a werewolf. You insulted a teacher, which resulted in semester-long cellar duty with one Archer Cross. According to the notes, the two of you became ‘close.’ Apparently close enough for you to see the mark of L’Occhio di Dio on his chest. I flushed at that, and felt Mom’s arm tighten around me. Over the past six months, I’d filled her in on a lot of the story with Archer, but not all of it. Specifically, the whole me-making-out-in-the-cellar-with-a-murderous-warlock-working-with-the-Eye-part.

Once I faced a female with diamond skin," Nix said breathlessly. "I was transfixed - even as she was choking the life out of me." "Really?" " No, I saw that character on X men. I just wanted to commiserate. Alas, I have no weaknesses." "Except your insanity," Lucia pointed out. sigh. "Well played, Archer. then carry on...

Gabriel cocked his head to the side. “Is that what happened in her last life too? You just accidentally touched Scarlet enough to set the lifeforce transition into motion? God! How much touching did you do?” Tristan narrowed his eyes. “What do you want, like a scale of one to ten?

He was becoming aware that there was no such thing as over-the-top with Lawrence Davenport, as long as you were talking to Lawrence Davenport about Lawrence Davenport.

She ought to call him Benjamin, but it was too intimate, too soft. "My lord?" she ventured, only half serious. "Good, God, no." She bit back a smile. "Husband?" she took a sip of wine. He grunted. "Are we to become Quakers?

Obsessive compulsive" Nikolaus mumble in amusement. "I would rather eat a grenade than make a line with two different colors!" Remy responded in a pained voice as he pointed at the pad of paper. Thiago snickered as he continued to torment the Cajun with his blue pen. Speaking of grenades, though... Brandt had a timing device around here somewhere. What had he done with it?

So you st that charge, and then put yourself right smack in the middle of the blast radius?" Brandt asked with what might have been open admiration. Remy nodded curtly. "Marry me," Brandt requested with unholy glee. Remy cracked a smile and Carl laughed softly at Brandt's side. Shawn and Nikolaus both sat motionless, staring at Remy disbelievingly. Thiago rolled his eyes and cleared is throat. Nothing Remy did surprised him now.

Unicorns are bad. So, so bad.” I’m dying. I just slapped a unicorn. “Your loss, baby. In case you haven’t noticed, I’m hung like a horse.” Kyrin snorts disgustedly. I clap my hands over my ears. But it’s too late. Unicorns are ruined for me. My childhood dream just got crushed by a unicorn’s boner.

You really are a detective. I guess that badge didn't come out of a crackerjack box. Does that mean the handcuffs are real too?

Academia doesn't pay well, unfortunately.

[Lizzie Bennington to a reporter who has asked for her opinion about Jack Archer's celebrated thighs.] “When you come back from a set down and bring the match to a final set tiebreak and are a point away from winning the match, only to have what looks like an extremely fit player call a time out because of a cramp and then watch that player sit back and casually converse and laugh while you do your best to keep your mental focus and your body moving so you don’t grow cold and cramp yourself, I hardly think you’d concern yourself with his burgeoning manhood, let alone his thighs!

And at that moment, you could have told me that Vermont contained nothing but rabid tourists and homicidal cows, and I would have told you it was all worthwhile, because holy shit, lumbersexuals were even hotter in their natural habitat.

Suddenly, I missed Jenna so much that it was almost a physical ache. I wanted to hold her hand, and hear her say something that would make this whole situation funny instead of incredibly screwed up. Archer would’ve been nice, too. He probably would’ve raised an eyebrow in that annoying/hot way he had, and made a dirty joke about Elodie possessing me. Or Cal. He wouldn’t say anything, but just his presence would make me feel better. And Dad- “Sophie,” Mom said, shaking me out of my reverie. “I don’t…I don’t even know how to start explaining all of this to you.” She looked at me, her eyes red. “I meant to, so many times, but everything was always so…complicated. Do you hate me?” I took a deep breath. “Of course not. I mean, I’m not thrilled. And I totally reserve the right to angst over all this later. But honestly, Mom? Right now, I’m so happy to see you that I wouldn’t care if you’re secretly a ninja sent from the future to destroy kittens and rainbows.” She chuckled, a choked and watery sound. “I missed you so much, Soph.” We hugged, my face against her collarbone. “I want the whole story, though,” I said, my words muffled. “All of it on the table.” She nodded. “Absolutely. After we talk to Aislinn.” Pulling back, I grimaced. “So how exactly are you related to her? Are you guys like, cousins?” “We’re sisters.” I stared at her. “Wait. So you’re like, a Brannick Brannick? But you don’t even have red hair.” Mom got off the bed, twisting her ponytail into a bun. “It’s called dye, Soph. Now, come on. Aislinn is already in a mood.” “Yeah, picked up on that,” I muttered, shoving the covers off and standing up

Why did you break in Mrs. Casnoff’s desk for?” Information on Archer. After he left. “Ah. You’re welcome, by the way?” For what? She jiggled the nail harder. “For putting him in his place the other night. Working with The Eye,” she scoffed. “Yeah, that’s a brilliant plan.” He’s just trying to think of something,” I said automatically. I wasn’t sure why I was defending him when I’d basically said that idea was the stupidest thing ever to have stupided, but I didn’t like the scorn in her voice. Well, my voice, her words. Elodie paused in trying to open the desk drawer and shoved my hair back with both hands. “What’s it going to take for you to realize that Archer Cross is bad news? He’s an Eye. He’s a liar and a jerk, and he’s not nearly as funny as he thinks he is. And you’re betrothed to Cal. Boys who can heal all wounds and are super hot, to boot? Don’t exactly come around every day.” I don’t think about Cal like that. Pressing the point of the nail back into the lock, Elodie snorted. “Um, hi, I’ve been in your head. You totally think about him like that.” Look,, this isn’t a slumber party, I snapped. Can you please get back to work? “Fine,” she muttered. “Don’t listen to me. But I’m telling you, Cal is the way to go. Heck, if I had a body, I wouldn’t mind-“ I’m going to need you to stop right there. I’m ninety-nine percent sure she wasn’t going to stop right there, but before she could say anything else, the lock on the drawer gave way.

Okay,” I finally said. “Can we all agree that this is maybe the most screwed-up situation we’ve ever found ourselves in?” “Agreed,” they said in unison. “Awesome.” I gave a little nod. “And do either of you have any idea what we should do about it?” “Well, we can’t use magic,” Archer said. “And if we try to leave, we get eaten by Monster Fog,” Jenna added. “Right. So no plans at all, then?” Jenna frowned. “Other than rocking in the fetal position for a while?” “Yeah, I was thinking about taking one of those showers where you huddle in the corner fully clothed and cry,” Archer offered. I couldn’t help but snort with laughter. “Great. So we’ll all go have our mental breakdowns, and then we’ll somehow get ourselves out of this mess.” “I think our best bet is to lie low for a while,” Archer said. “Let Mrs. Casnoff think we’re all too shocked and awed to do anything. Maybe this assembly tonight will give us some answers.” “Answers,” I practically sighed. “About freaking time.” Jenna gave me a funny look. “Soph, are you…grinning?” I could feel my cheeks aching, so I knew that I was. “Look, you two have to admit: if we want to figure out just what the Casnoffs are plotting, this is pretty much the perfect place.” “My girl has a point,” Archer said, smiling at me. Now my cheeks didn’t just ache, they burned. Clearing her throat, Jenna said, “Okay, so we all go up to our rooms, then after the assembly tonight we can regroup and decide what to do next.” “Deal,” I said as Archer nodded. “Are we all going to high-five now?” Jenna asked after a pause. “No, but I can make up some kind of secret handshake if you want,” Archer said, and for a second, they smiled at each other. But just as quickly, the smile disappeared from Jenna’s face, and she said to me, “Let’s go. I want to see if our room is as freakified as the rest of this place.” “Good idea,” I said. Archer reached out and brushed his fingers over mine. “See you later, then?” he asked. His voice was casual, but my skin was hot where he touched me. “Definitely,” I answered, figuring that even a girl who has to stop evil witches from taking over the world could make time for kissage in there somewhere. He turned and walked away. As I watched him go, I could feel Jenna starting at me. “Fine,” she acknowledged with a dramatic roll of her eyes. “He’s a little dreamy.” I elbowed her gently in the side. “Thanks.” Jenna started to walk to the stairs. “You coming?” “Yeah,” I said. “I’ll be right up. I just want to take a quick look around down here.” “Why, so you can be even more depressed?” Actually, I wanted to stay downstairs just a little longer to see if anyone else showed up. So far, I’d seen nearly everyone I remembered from last year at Hex Hall. Had Cal been dragged here, too? Technically he hadn’t been a student, but Mrs. Casnoff had used his powers a lot last year. Would she still want him here? To Jenna, I just said, “Yeah, you know me. I like poking bruises.” “Okay. Get your Nancy Drew on.

It’s funny how we tell ourselves stories and later wonder whether they were true. Thinking back to just before I came here, I can almost believe I actually was in Ephesus.

I love your hairless chest.” She nuzzled his pecs. “So smooth and sculpted. Like a marble manslut statue.

I see Archie's soft side which I adore it personally. He's so sweet and funny but arrogant too if someone dares to mess up with him!

Yes,” Zane added fiercely. “When can we start cutting off appendages?” “I like him,” Archer said, pointing in Zane’s direction. “You can keep him.

How did he show Lucas what he liked outside of murder? What did he like? Would Lucas still want him when he realized August was put together all wrong? In every way. “What about sex?” Archer spit his drink onto the table with a laugh, shaking his now wet hand. Noah glared at the man before giving August a patient look. “What about it?” “How do I get him to like the things I like…sexually?” “I’m shocked you’ve even had sex,” Adam said, sounding genuinely surprised and a little relieved. August frowned. “Why’s that?” “You’re creepy, bro. What person is going to have sex with you without wondering if you’re going to turn them into a lamp shade when it’s over?

That would have been, like, three kills each,” Atticus chimed in. “Two for one of us,” August corrected. “I hate math,” Aiden muttered. “And twenty separate crime scenes to clean up,” Noah reminded them. “I’m just saying, killing three guys in one night would have been cool,” Avi pouted. “But, instead, you get to kill twenty guys during the day, with your brothers, as a family,” August said. “Other families just have barbeques,” Archer said, tone dripping with sarcasm.

I’ve only heard my clients whispering about it every now and then. But there's a group that's formed right here in Rifthold and they want to put Aelin Galathynius back on Terrasen’s throne.” Her heart stopped beating, Aelin Galathynius, the lost heir of Terrasen. “Aelin Galathynius is dead,” she breathed. Archer shook his head, “They don’t think so, they say she's alive and that she’s raising an army against the King. She’s looking to reestablish her court, to find what's left of King Orlons inner circle.” She just stared at him, willing her fingers to unclench, willing air into her lungs. If it were true - no, it wasn’t true. If these people actually claimed to have met the heir to the throne, then she had to be an impostor.

I'll ask you one more time, then you lose the eye. And I almost hope you don't answer, because I'd love to cut out your eye...

When I turned to look at him, he wore a funny expression on his face. Wistful and proud. He nodded and stood. “I know. Alright, let’s go.” “Go where?” “To the bank. The ring has always been yours, Holden, if you wanted it. It’s in the safe at the bank.

I’m sorry, what?” I said, blinking through my fog. “I wasn’t listening.” “Obviously,” my friend said with a playfully scolding tone. “I asked you what Tiresias told Narcissus’ mom about him. What was the prophecy?” “Let me think,” I said as I carved through the stories mentally. “Well, we know it’s vague,” Daniella supplied unhelpfully. “Prophecies are notoriously vague,” Bethany said as she popped a potato chip in her mouth. The crunch resounded through the dorm room and interrupted our study session. “Yeah, like the Ultimate Weapon one,” I muttered. “Didn’t Sarah tell you to focus on studying for the final tomorrow?” Jade reminded me. “Yeah,” I grunted, regretting ever telling them why I showed up at the late-night study session sooner than I planned. “Alright, Tiresias said that Narcissus should…” I closed my eyes and searched for the correct words. “Never know himself!” I concluded triumphantly. Beth scribbled down the answer. Then she perked up unexpectedly with a weird expression on her face. “That makes it sound like he wasn’t allowed to masturbate. Like he couldn’t know himself.” Beth’s eyebrows jumped suggestively. I rolled my eyes. “That’s not what it means.” “I know, but it’s funny,” Daniella said through a snort. “Maybe your prophecy has to do with masturbation,” Jade joked as she bent over the bed to reach for Beth’s bag of potato chips. She lifted them up, kindly, so she could grab a handful. “And the Ultimate Weapon is a vibrator!

I’m going to have to talk to HR sooner rather than later about arranging for my maternity leave anyway. And people are going to find out in time. I unlock my phone and open Instagram. I have an oddly high number of followers thanks to an article Forbes did on me right after I sold the app to Apple. I’m not that interesting of a person, but I do find the best funny memes to share. I upload my favorite picture of Archer and me from this weekend, heart fluttering when I look at it. We’re standing by the pink balloons, and looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. My hair is tucked awkwardly behind my ear, but we both look so happy. So inlove. Archer’s hand is on my stomach, and his smile is genuine. Man, I miss him. Tomorrow is too far away. Long distance sucks. “We cannot wait for spring. Hashtag thirteen weeks. Hashtag baby girl,” I say out loud as Itype. “Don’t forget hashtag blessed.” “And grateful. Please. I might be basic, but I know enough not to flaunt it around on social media,” I laugh and post the photo. But I really do feel those things.

It's been six hours since I've arrived, assigned a new home, new school, caused chaos at Cosnal Hall, and people are planning my funeral!

When people care about you, they don’t want to see you struggling, Daniel.” I clenched my jaw. “It’s funny, Dad. I always thought when people who loved you saw you struggling, they’d want to help. To encourage you.