Anne Roe Quotes

Life was about breaths and heartbeats. A smile. A wink. The squeeze of a hand. Sunrises and sunsets.

Secrets keep families sick. You never keep secrets in families because even if the child doesn't know what the secret is, they will always know there is a secret.

Perfection wasn’t strength. Righting your wrongs took more strength than anything. You were lucky to dodge the hits. Getting back up after being knocked down showed immeasurable strength and courage.

I think one of the reasons I don’t talk to some people about it is because they are so judgmental. Quite frankly, it’s not that society can’t understand, it’s that they won’t understand. People choose to not understand. —

This is a must-read book for all those who feel they have the right to engage in any part of the debate on sex education, a woman’s right to choose, or the impact of adoption.” —

Life was about breaths and heartbeats. A smile. A wink. The squeeze of a hand. Sunrises and sunsets. The rest … it was all extra.

Shame is a very effective way to silence individuals, and those who are less socially or economically powerful are rarely in a position to influence the decisions that affect them.

The damage in many cases was lifelong. These women had not just surrendered a child. They had surrendered control over the most important decision they might ever make to people who they felt did not necessarily have their best interest at heart. The shame was no longer about being single and pregnant. The shame was that they had given away, or not fought hard enough to keep, their child.

That was it. When the time came, life couldn’t stop it. Like your heart would burst if you didn’t share the emotions that dominated your existence. It was too much for one person to bear. So we slipped. We fell … “Roe

For women born after 1949, the odds were that they would have sex before they reached age twenty.1 Despite the increase in the number of young people having sex in the 1950s and 1960s, access to birth control and sex education lagged far behind. Fearing that sex education would promote or encourage sexual relations, parents and schools thought it best to leave young people uninformed. During this time, effective birth control was difficult to obtain.

If I didn't fear I'd do you harm...I'd try to make you an atheist. I really do think that you are a deluded follower of mistaken and superstitious and cowardly theories. That's as far as I'll go....Everyone who worships a god worships a force back of all nature, no matter what they call him or it and even if they call his aspects by different names & have many "gods." If there really is such a force, then all people who worship any god or gods, worship the same god. I'd just as soon call him Ishtar or Baal or Jehovah. They're merely names for the same idea. (Letter from Simpson to Anne Roe, written ca. 1920-21, when Anne was briefly flirting with fundamentalist Christianity, American Philosophical Society archives.)

Women were expected to wait and learn about sex from their husbands, who would bring their sexual experience to the marriage. I’ve never quite figured out how that was supposed to be mathematically possible, but presumably the theory was that the future husbands gained their experience with a few bad girls who were not marriage material and who were having sex with the majority of the male population.

I was abandoned when it was right in everybody’s face, so I still believe that nobody cares.

According to the prevailing double standard, the young man who was equally responsible for the pregnancy was not condemned for his actions. It was her fault, not their fault, that she got pregnant. This was in that period of time when there wasn’t much worse that a girl could do. They almost treated you like you had committed murder or something. —

in some states it was illegal to sell contraceptives to those who were unmarried.

My personal struggle is to get beyond thinking I’m not worth caring about. I am here. I do exist. Maybe by adding my two cents I can help other moms who feel the way I do. Maybe they will find someone who cares. —

I know what my parents thought they were bringing me to, but that’s not where my parents left me. I didn’t understand it at the time, but in the military they do a thing where they train you to comply with the rules by tearing you down and breaking your spirit so you will conform, and then little by little they build you into what they want you to be. That’s what they did there. I was gonna try and get through this and get out. That was my goal.

And it’s funny. While I was locked up, I would call the father and he was going on with his life. He was having his summer and was, you know, worried about whether he would get a new tape or album. People had gossiped about him but they were still allowed to hang out with him. Before I left home, nobody was allowed to be around me. Occasionally,

When we would take the van to go places, the neighbor’s kids would throw things at us—rotten fruit, eggs—and eggs hurt. When you get hit in the face with an egg, that hurts, and sometimes it would actually break the skin. They would never let us go back in the house to change. I remember one time they took us to the beach to walk the boardwalk and we had gotten pelted pretty good. So here we are, a gaggle of pregnant girls marked with this stuff, and it smelled. I was thinking to myself, “You know, they tell us not to make a spectacle of ourselves, to maintain our dignity, but they go out of their way to make sure we’re humiliated.” We

One time we couldn’t even get out the front door, there was so much being thrown, so everybody retreated, including the person who was going to drive the van. I remember the driver crying; it had never happened to him before. The lady who was with him just kept saying, “Oh, this is normal, this is normal.” And he kept saying, “These poor girls, these poor girls.

Looking back, I was becoming extremely hard. You couldn’t afford to have somebody care about you because you weren’t really allowed to care about yourself. I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me. I just wanted to survive. I

My dad was giving me a kind of pep talk and my mom had a smile on her face, but she just looked like she wanted to cry. She’s looking at this little girl holding a stuffed animal on her way to deliver a baby. I can’t even begin to imagine.

It’s very hard to explain—part of me had enough indoctrination to believe I was not a mother. They make that very clear: “You’re not a mother. You are too young. You are a bad person. You got pregnant and you aren’t married. You are not entitled to this baby. You’re gonna give this baby a chance in life.” Part of me accepted that wisdom, but then there was the other part of me that had feelings that I wasn’t supposed to have. So

She took that envelope and was very careful with it. The agreement was they were going to give that piece of paper to my child. It would become part of his file and on his eighteenth birthday it would be made available to him. When people make promises to you and you don’t have a way of verifying, it gives people a lot of latitude to do or not do what they’ve promised. She promised me, and that was my promise to my child: “You get to know your history—you’re not someone that I’m ashamed of, you’re not bad, you did nothing wrong.” I told him I loved him with all my heart, I did the best I could, I wished I could be with him, and I would think about him every day that I drew breath. I

I didn’t want anybody to see me walking out of the hospital with this baby. We got into the car and my mom said, “What’s wrong?” I said, “I’m afraid that someone’s gonna come take the baby.” I was waiting for the police to come. Giving up my first son had left such an imprint. It was trapped in my brain…I was not allowed to be a mother. Society

I was allowed to hold her just once. They didn’t want you to bond at all with the baby. Some women chose not to see their babies. I just could never imagine that. I wanted to see that face. I’ll never forget it as long as I live. You never forget that face. —

I continued going to school for a period of time until it became more difficult to hide it. The faculty decided that I was becoming disruptive to the schooling process and a bad example. It was determined that I would leave school. “I was not welcome there” was what I was told. My

a kind soul, laidback, a product of a culturally diverse family, and wise with the silent confidence of a true nomad. My handsome wanderer.

Only those who seek feel the need for validation. I don’t think Athelinda is seeking anyone or looking for validation. I think she’s just allowed those who do seek her to find her.

But knowledge imparts accountability

Once you get past the mass of flesh that is the human body, you’ll have a greater respect for the eternal soul and the importance of not disrupting its journey.

We were not criminals. We're mothers. The difference was I was not an authenticated mother. I was an illegal mother. I was a denied mother. And I had to come home and live my life after being robbed of my child. It's as if I was an unwilling accomplice to the kidnapping of my own child. So you have to live with the trauma of losing your child and then you have to live with the trauma of knowing you didn't stop it. How do you do that?

When you loved someone—truly loved them—you didn’t take their smile.

I don’t suppose you’ll marry me, will you?” My mouth twisted into a smirk before I laughed—a hearty laugh so he saw my humor, my joking personality (I was ninety percent joking). “Probably.” He shrugged one shoulder. Dead.

Hinder not the soul’s intended path unto the light, lest shards of darkness shed upon thee.

Wanting her felt like an honor. Needing her felt like a failure.

You’re like the sun, Evelyn. No matter how you try to cover it up or hide it, it’s always shining.

We never stopped needing our parents.

The double standard is still very much a part of our cultural psyche. It is still tolerated within institutions and families and ultimately damages generations of men and women alike. These women were made to carry the full emotional weight of circumstances that were the inevitable consequence of a society that denied teenage sexuality, failed to hold young men equally responsible, withheld sex education and birth control from unmarried women, allowed few options if pregnancy occurred, and considered unmarried women unfit to be mothers. Asking the women to keep their secret and deny their child may have worked out well for others, but not for many of the mothers. Their experience and their motherhood have been silenced and denied for too long. (Page 300)

My mom said, “You can’t see him. You’re not allowed.” And there was a nurse standing on the other side of me at the head of the bed and I can remember her saying, “She can see him whenever she wants. She’s that baby’s mother.” That nurse didn’t give me enough self-confidence to keep my child, but with those two sentences she gave me the foundation on which to rebuild my sense of self. She probably didn’t remember me after that shift, but she became one of the most important women in my life. Just by her compassion and two sentences, you know?

I remember thinking I wished it was a boy, because boys can’t have children. I thought, “I gave birth to a little girl who’s going to have to go through this, that poor little thing.” I had always thought boys had it better than women. All my life, you know? And that whole experience made me feel even more so—that it’s the girls who get punished, the girls who suffer through all of this stuff, and the girls who can’t talk about it.

The state of Connecticut, home state of Anthony Comstock, still had a law in 1961 that prohibited counseling and medical treatment to married persons for the purposes of preventing conception.

She said, “You know, if we’re gonna have a relationship I want you to know who I am. I’m gay.” I said, “I don’t care.” And I really don’t care because, oh God, if you can find love you’re lucky.