Alchemised Quotes

She was a non-active member of the Order of the Eternal Flame and did not fight.

Being alive is not the same as living. I hope someday you'll have a chance to realise the difference.

You’re like a rose in a graveyard,” he said, and his lips twisted into a bitter smile. “I wonder what you could have turned into without the war.

Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn't stolen

You are not replaceable," he said, his hands trembling against her shoulders. "You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people.

Do I know you?” she asked as her eyes slid closed. “I suppose you do.

If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.

He’d loved her, even though he never expected them to be anything but doomed. He’d loved her all the same.

Sometimes she wished she’d died in the hospital with her father, to be remembered and mourned for her possibilities, rather than live day by day growing ever lesser. Now it didn’t matter if she’d been an alchemist, or a healer, or anything else. To anyone who ever learned of it, she would only be that one thing. Women were always defined by the lowliest thing they could be called.

I’m sorry—I’m sorry—I’m so sorry for everything I did to you,” he said, his voice hoarse and broken. “I love you. You left, and I’d never told you.

I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn't a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much as necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast's. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.

You made me feel like the parts of me that aren’t useful still deserve to exist. Like I’m not just all the things I can do.

What if it’s not that simple, though?” she said “Everyone who wins says they were good, but they’re the ones who tell the story. They get to choose how we all remember it. What if it’s never that simple?

They were the inverse and counter to each other. A healer and killer, circling slowly, the push and pull inexorable.

I promised I’d do anything for you.” She curled her fingers into a fist. “Maybe you didn’t realise how far I was willing to go.

You are not expandable. You don't get to push everyone away so that they'll feel comfortable using you and letting you die

She was locked in the dangerous embrace of Kaine Ferron, and it felt like home.

You’ll do anything for the people who’ll let you love them.

He could have been entirely ordinary, and she would have made all the same choices.

She couldn’t fix herself anymore, and no one else seemed inclined to even notice she was breaking.

We said always, didn’t we?” she asked, her voice strained. “Always. Well, if you don’t want that promise in full any longer, I’ll give it to you in increments.” She clutched his hand tighter. “Every day. I’ll choose you. That way you’ll know it’s still what I want.

Someday, she promised herself, someday I am going to love him in a moment that isn’t stolen.

I'm sure there will be good days and bad days for us. Too much has happened to ever really put it behind us, but if you choose me, and I choose you, I think we're strong enough to make it.

Helena squeezed his hand, running her fingers across the array. Calculating, Cunning, Devoted, Determined, Ruthless, Unfailing, Unhesitating, and Unyielding. To avenge his mother. In penance for all the ways he believed he'd failed her.

We said always, didn't we? Always. Well, if you don't want that promise in full any longer, I'll give it to you in increments. Everyday. I'll choose you. That way you'll know it's still what I want.

The mind is a prison. And when we write the noise is distilled and alchemised, and the self can find a way out, which I think is what love is – the escape of the self from the self.

She lived in the aftermath of every battle, breathed in the devastation until she was drowning in it. Nothing and no one would ever convince her that anything noble or purifying could come from this scale of suffering. That any rewards could ever be worth it.

Oh, Marino.” His thumb trailed along her neck, following the scar below her jaw. “If I’d known what pain you’d cause me, I never would have taken you.” He sighed, and she could smell the liquor on his breath as his head dipped closer. She had no idea what he meant, if she was supposed to apologise. “But at this point I suppose I deserve to burn. I wonder if you’ll burn, too.” His face was so close the words brushed against her lips, and his mouth crashed against hers.

You know,” Ferron said, jolting her from her thoughts, “when I heard it was you I’d be getting, I was looking forward to breaking you.” He shook his head. “But I don’t think it’s possible to exceed what you’ve done to yourself.

How different it could have been if the international community had decided to put even a negligible amount of effort into caring sooner.

Don’t die, Marino. I might miss you.

She thought she should say something. What she’d tried to tell Lancaster. “Ferron always comes for me,” she whispered.

I should have known—the moment I looked into your eyes, I should have known I would never win against you.

Funny how often people in power hate politics, as if what they really want is to do as they please and be praised for it, and if they aren’t, then it’s all beneath them.

People always said there was no greater temptation than the forbidden.

I’m sure there’s something poetic in it all, but right now all I feel is a new set of manacles.

The first promise I made to you was that I’d be yours for as long as I live. I’m keeping that one.

This was ours…” She swallowed, blinking hard. “They took it from us, but it was ours.

Every time you asked, I promised I was yours. Always. There aren’t any exemptions or expiration dates on always.

He's a god. You'll notice that making humans die for them is the gods' primary mode of operation.

She could feel Kaine watching her and forced herself to speak. “I think your scars are prettier than mine,” she finally said. “I have a better healer.

I love you. She told him in the way she held him close; in the way her mouth met his; in how her hands trailed across his skin, mapping him, memorising every detail of what it was to be with him, his scars under her fingers. I love you. I love you. She told him in the way she let go of herself and held on to him instead. With every beat of her heart. I love you. I will always love you. I will always take care of you.

I must admit,” he said in a low voice as though making a confession, “if anyone had told me you’d become so lovely, I would never have come near you. I was rather blindsided when I saw you again.

Oh Marino. If I'd known what pain you'd cause me, I never would have taken you. But at this point I suppose I deserve to burn. I wonder if you'll burn, too.

She looked up at him. “You’re a monster.” He raised an eyebrow. “Noticed that, have you?

Call me, and I will come.

I never get to choose you. I’m so tired of not getting to choose you.

I swear it, on the spirits of the five gods and my own soul, Kaine Ferron, I’m yours as long as I live.

Because you thought they’d accept what you are if you only reduced yourself enough.

she doesn’t deserve to be forgotten like this. She shouldn’t be a footnote. This shouldn’t be the only entry she even has. She deserves her own chapter. She deserves a whole damned book of her own.

Tell the truth! You don’t get to make up history to suit your preferences. Do you realise what you’ve done? Luc thinks he’s supposed to be earning a miracle. That the reason he hasn’t already won this war is because he hasn’t suffered or been enough like Orion to earn it, and that’s his fault. But there will never be a miracle that will save us. You’re torturing him to death on a lie.

She’s dead,” he said. “You are not. My loyalty was to those least responsible for her suffering, but if the Eternal Flame has decided that you are an affordable casualty, I will not be noble or understanding. I can exact dual revenge. I will make them pay if they get you killed.

He was always the cruelest when he was vulnerable.

You can tell me. I'll help you carry it

He touched her cheek, tilting her face up and kissing her. “Use the ring, call me, if you ever need anything.

You know, I just realised, if I succeed, you’ll control Ferron the same way you use Luc to control me. It makes me feel rather sorry for him.

You don’t get to lie to me and then get angry when I make the mistake of believing you,

You’ve always done the worst things because of me.

You’re mine. You swore yourself to me. Now and after the war. I’m going to take care of you. I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. You don’t have to be lonely. Because you’re mine.

Don’t die, Kaine,” she said. The line he walked frightened her. If the array was the punishment for a failure, what would the price of betrayal be? A smirk twisted his mouth as he looked at her. “There are far worse fates than dying, Marino.” She nodded. “I know. But that one you don’t come back from.” He gave a bitter laugh. “All right, then, but only because you asked.

I have warned you, if something happens to you, I will personally raze the Eternal Flame. That isn’t a threat. It is a promise. Consider your survival as much a necessity to the Resistance as Holdfast’s. If you die, I will kill every single one of them.

For the first time, Kaine Ferron was fully human to her. She’d slipped through his walls and peeled away the defensive layers of malice and cruelty, and found that there he carried a broken heart.

this—is to keep you alive. To keep you safe. That was the deal.” He searched her face. “They didn’t tell you.” She shook her head, giving a broken sob and—before she let herself think—she kissed him.

Her anger reignited. “You have no idea how hard it is to save someone, to fix all the ways the people like you break them.” She glared at him. “I hope someday you have to try. See how little you think of it then.

Her death count was the numerical representation of her failures. All the lives she hadn’t saved, the ways she fell short. For Kaine, it was a mark of power. His victims, even Principate Apollo, all represented what made him so valuable. They were the inverse and counter to each other. A healer and killer, circling slowly, the push and pull inexorable.

Love isn’t as pretty or pure as people like to think. There’s a darkness in it sometimes. Kaine and I go hand in hand. I made him who he is. I knew what that array meant when I saved him. If he’s a monster, then I’m his creator.

Why don’t you die?.” There was no point in being coy. She wanted to kill him; they both knew it. Blood was still flowing down the hilt of the knife, dripping scarlet across the white marble floor, spattering across the ouroboros mosaic. His lips curved into an insincere smile. “Prior commitments, I’m afraid.

Trapped in Spirefell, she was latching on to any glimpse of kindness, any sense of tenderness her mind could fabricate. But it wasn't kindness. He wasn't kind; he simply wasn't cruel. He wasn't as monstrous as he could be. And for Helena's fracturing mind, an absence of cruelty was sufficient solace. For her starved heart, it was enough.

There was a trick to sobbing like that; it was something a person had to learn to do

Don’t die Marino, I might miss you.

He wasn’t kind; he simply wasn’t cruel.

Let me be very clear, then. I don’t want you. I never wanted you. I am not your friend. There is nothing I want more than the moment I’m finally done with you.

Do you leer at and fondle all your unconscious patients, or am I special?

Kaine Ferron will never let you go, and he will not be content with being secondary to anyone.

She thought at first if she waited long enough, some glimmer of light would appear, or someone would come. Yet no matter how long she waited, there was nothing.

She had to endure. To stay alert. That way she would be ready. She had to stay ready. She would not let herself fade away.

I think the hospital’s worse than the battlefield.

Pain and mutilation. Of course the chimaeras were savage. How could anything endure so much hurt and not learn only to bite?

I live among idealists, but all I see are bodies. I’d like the opinion of someone who doesn’t believe that optimism somehow improves the odds.

But I want to be remembered as someone who tried at least.

We have to stop hurting ourselves for each other,” she finally said. “Both of us. We’re not going to last if this is the only way we know how to love.

I thought that we could suffer enough to earn each other.

Her body was shuddering, but she cried silently. There was a trick to sobbing like that; it was something a person had to learn to do.

You are not replaceable,

they didn’t let me fight.

I think your scars are prettier than mine. I have a better healer.

Says it’s so we don’t forget the rules.

You are not required to make your death convenient. You are allowed to be important to people.

Life was not cold.

No matter. I imagine they taught you to enjoy suffering. After all, sacrifice is a healer’s calling, isn’t it?

This is elaborate, beautiful, professional work. A vivimancer manually rewiring the human consciousness.

The Undying. You’re his source of power, and the Resistance—we figured that out, didn’t we? How to kill him. How to kill all of you.

You don’t have to push me away to protect me,” he said in a hard, familiar voice. “I can take it. You can stop being lonely. I won’t misunderstand. I know you just want someone to be with.

She never had and never would heal anyone the way she healed Kaine: in his arms, pressed against his body. She’d bribe him into cooperation by pressing openmouthed kisses across his shoulders, hands, and face while her resonance found every place he was hurt, checking him over meticulously until he’d grow impatient and pin her hands down, pushing her back on the bed and taking her slowly. It was always deliriously slowly. He’d stare into her eyes until she almost felt their minds touching.

Her need to love people and her desperate longing for them to love her back—she had given that up, locked it away and buried it, giving its place to the coldness of logic, realism, and the necessary choices of war. This could only lead to ruin.

If Helena had come out and said that surgery was a success and Lila was already getting out of bed, they’d all be off to the perihelion to offer Sol flames of thanksgiving. But bad news was always the hospital’s fault. How nice it must be, to be a god.

According to your academic records, you were considered bright. Surely you didn’t swallow every story you were told about the Holdfasts. Look me in the eyes and tell me: Do you really think the Holdfasts had a right to rule?” Stroud’s fingers dug beneath Helena’s chin, forcing her to look up. She stared squarely into Stroud’s face, feeling the threat of her resonance. “Better them than people like you.

She noticed with irritation that there was a mesh safety net over the opening, as if Ferron had somehow foreseen that she’d go there and might attempt suicide during his party. She hadn’t even been thinking about it, but she was annoyed at finding herself preemptively thwarted.

After you nearly bled to death here, I thought, at least I can keep her alive. She deserves to have someone who cares enough to try to keep her alive. I thought eventually you’d give up. But you will do anything to save the people you feel responsible for. Of course you’d weaponise your guilt in order to use mine.

I’d do anything to have that now. I can’t taste anything now except blood and smoke, and I don’t feel anything except when I’m on fire. The stories made it sound so good. Fighting for a cause. Being a hero.” He shook his head. “Why does everyone pretend it’s anything like that?” Helena reached out, fingers brushing against his shoulder, not sure what to say, how to comfort him. “Maybe that’s what they had to tell themselves, to live with it. Maybe it’s all they let themselves remember,” Helena said, but she, too, wondered that anyone who’d seen war’s true face would let it be so gilded.