Aging Gracefully Funny Quotes

O, elixir of youth, thy name is hair dye.

Phoebe Hurty hired me to write copy for ads about teen aged clothes. I had to wear the clothes I praised. That was part of the job. And I became friends with her two sons, who were my age. I was over at their house all the time. She would talk bawdily to me and her sons, and our girlfriends when we brought them around. She was funny. She was liberating. She taught us to be impolite in conversation not only about sexual matters, but about American history and famous heroes, about the distribution of wealth, about school, about everything. I now make my living being impolite. I am clumsy at it. I keep trying to imitate the impoliteness which was so graceful in Phoebe Hurty. I think now that grace was easier for her than it is for me because of the mood of the Great Depression. She believed what so many Americans believed then: that the nation would be happy and just and rational when prosperity came. I never hear that word anymore: Prosperity. It used to be a synonym for Paradise. And Phoebe Hurty was able to believe that the impoliteness she recommended would give shape to an American paradise. Now her sort of impoliteness is in fashion. But nobody believes anymore in a new American paradise. I sure miss Phoebe Hurty.

Hope told me tonight she wants to make a special pie for Beckett. Her cheeks turned pink. Like…she was embarrassed or some shit. She was also talking about finding her Prince Charming one day. What the fuck is up with that?” Grace shrugs. “She’s six.” “Exactly! She shouldn’t know what Prince Charming is.” She laughs, like it’s funny. “Sawyer, she’s the perfect age to learn about him. It’s a fairy tale.” “Fairy tale, my ass. She shouldn’t be thinking about meeting her Prince Charming or baking pies for any boys but her dad or her brother.” “Don’t be ridiculous. Beckett is just as much her friend as he is Parker’s, even though he picks on her most of the time. Although, Kayla thinks he has a crush on her.” I tense. “What crush? I thought we just established they’re fucking six.

This time I don't want to be my own mother. I make a decision, take the entire bag of chocolate to my bedroom and flip on the light to read a book. Next thing I know, the sun is up, the book is on my chest, there is melted chocolate on my cheek and I have a sugar hangover. I should have listened to the mother me.

See, I have this theory that humans are just living, breathing, talking forms of art, each crafted with a different technique and carved out of different materials. Each beautiful in their own way. And sure, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and totally subjective, and changes depending on your circumstance, yada-yada-yada… but most of the time, it’s pretty easy to classify people. Like, okay, you know those women who are gorgeous and never know it? Or the men who pass quietly through life, handsome and unnoticed, never begging for attention or crying out for recognition? Those are your watercolors. And the loud, vivacious, gorgeous-and-they-know-it creatures, with bright lipstick and closets full of bold colors and outfits they never wear twice? Acrylics. The graceful, elegant, aging beauties you pick out in the crowd, or across the cafe, the lines on their faces telling a story you just know you’d want to hear, with so many layers and smudges, twists and turns, you’re not even sure where they begin? Charcoals. Then, you’ve got the big-picture-beautiful people, with the collection of interesting features that together make a beautiful face. They’re your oil paintings — best from ten feet away and, at the end of the day, kind of funny looking if you lean closer and analyze all their elements separately. But I’m quickly learning that Chase Croft doesn’t fit any of my categories. He isn’t a brushstroke on canvas, or bumpy layers of paint on a palette, or imperfect lines scratched inside a sketchbook. His features aren’t just gorgeous as a collective — he’s one of those annoyingly attractive people whose every feature is equally stunning. He’s a sculpture.