Adele Faber Quotes

I was a wonderful parent before I had children.

When we give children advice or instant solutions, we deprive them of the experience that comes from wrestling with their own problems.

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves.

Children don’t need to have their feelings agreed with; they need to have them acknowledged.

Let us be different in our homes. Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their “rightness.” The whole world will tell them what’s wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what’s right about them.

The more you try to push a child's unhappy feelings away, the more he becomes stuck in them. The more comfortable you can accept the bad feelings, the easier it is for kids to leg go of them.

When a person is drowning, it’s not the time to give swimming lessons.

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else was having problems with theirs. Then I had three of my own.

Sometimes just having someone understand how much you want something makes reality easier to bear. So

Finally, are most of my moments with my child spent asking her to “do things?” Or am I taking out some time to be alone with her—just to “be together”?

It’s important to make a distinction between allowing feelings and allowing actions,” I replied. “We permit children to express all their feelings. We don’t permit them to hurt each other. Our job is to show them how to express their anger without doing damage.

INSTEAD OF DISMISSING NEGATIVE FEELINGS ABOUT A SIBLING, ACKNOWLEDGE THE FEELINGS.

It’s also not helpful when parents respond with more intensity than the child feels.

It’s a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave us.

Parents don’t usually give this kind of response, because they fear that by giving a name to the feeling they’ll make it worse. Just the opposite is true. The child who hears the words for what she is experiencing is deeply comforted. Someone has acknowledged her inner experience.

All we are given is possibilities— to make ourselves one thing or another. JOSÉ ORTEGA Y GASSET

To be loved equally,” I continued, “is somehow to be loved less. To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

It’s hard for children to change their behavior when their feelings are completely ignored.

By being kind to ourselves, we teach our children to be kind to themselves.

To Engage a Child’s Cooperation 1. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU SEE, OR DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM. “There’s a wet towel on the bed.” 2. GIVE INFORMATION. “The towel is getting my blanket wet.” 3. SAY IT WITH A WORD. “The towel!” 4. DESCRIBE WHAT YOU FEEL. “I don’t like sleeping in a wet bed!” 5. WRITE A NOTE. (above towel rack) Please put me back so I can dry.           Thanks!           Your Towel

Some children can tell you why they’re frightened, angry, or unhappy. For many, however, the question “Why?” only adds to their problem. In addition to their original distress, they must now analyze the cause and come up with a reasonable explanation. Very often children don’t know why they feel as they do. At other times they’re reluctant to tell because they fear that in the adult’s eyes their reason won’t seem good enough. (“For that you’re crying?”) It’s much more helpful for an unhappy youngster to hear, “I see something is making you sad,” rather than to be interrogated with “What happened?” or “Why do you feel that way?” It’s easier to talk to a grown-up who accepts what you’re feeling rather than one who presses you for explanations.

Kids, this is a tough problem, but I have confidence that you two can put your heads together and come up with a solution that you can both agree to.

The time for empathy is when a child wants you to know how he feels.

It’s hard for a child to think clearly or constructively when someone is questioning, blaming, or advising her.

Conclusion: What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing.

The key word is respect—for my child, for myself, and for the unlimited possibilities of what can happen when two people of good will put their heads together.

The passion and excitement you feel about a child’s achievement should be saved for a moment when just the two of you are together. It’s too much for the other siblings to have to listen to.

We are giving them the tools that will enable them to be active participants in solving the problems that confront them—now, while they’re at home, and in the difficult, complex world that awaits them.

نذرف الدموع أنا و أمي عندما تستحضر في ذهنها كيف كانت تحادثنا عندما كنا أطفالا، تقول: حينما أسمعك تتكلمين مع ابنك أخجل كيف كانت تحادثنا عندما كنا أطفالا." (إحدى الرسائل التي أرسلها الآباء الذين استفادوا من الكتاب)

Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.     “Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . .” 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.     “That sounds frustrating!” 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.     “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

Let us realize that, along with food, shelter, and clothing, we have another obligation to our children, and that is to affirm their “rightness.” The whole world will tell them what’s wrong with them—loud and often. Our job is to let our children know what’s right about them.

at the outset it needs to be stressed that discipline means education. Discipline is essentially programmed guidance that helps people to develop internal self-control, self-direction, and efficiency. If it is to work, discipline requires mutual respect and trust. On the other hand, punishment requires external control over a person by force and coercion. Punishing agents seldom respect or trust the one punished.

The attitude behind your words is as important as the words themselves. The attitude that children thrive on is one that communicates, “You’re basically a lovable, capable person. Right now there’s a problem that needs attention. Once you’re aware of it, you’ll probably respond responsibly.

There are youngsters who prefer no talk at all when they’re upset. For them, Mom or Dad’s presence is comfort enough. One mother told us about walking into the living room and seeing her ten-year-old daughter slumped on the sofa with tear-stained eyes. The mother sat down beside her daughter, put her arms around her, murmured, “Something happened,” and sat silently with her for five minutes. Finally, her daughter sighed and said, “Thanks, Mom. I’m better now.

It’s a bittersweet road we parents travel. We start with total commitment to a small, helpless human being. Over the years we worry, plan, comfort, and try to understand. We give our love, our labor, our knowledge, and our experience—so that one day he or she will have the inner strength and confidence to leave

There is an important message built into this approach. It says, “When there is conflict between us, we no longer have to mobilize our forces against each other and worry about who will emerge victorious and who will go down in defeat. Instead, we can put our energy into searching for the kinds of solutions that respect both our needs as individuals.

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings.

Living with real children can be humbling.

We are convinced that when our classrooms really work, they work because relationships are working. And relationships work when communication is humane and caring.

Does my request make sense in terms of my child’s age and ability? (Am I expecting an eight-year-old to have perfect table manners?)

Does he feel my request is unreasonable? (“Why does my mother bug me to wash behind my ears? Nobody looks there.”)

Can I give her a choice about when to do something, rather than insisting upon “right now.” (“Do you want to take your bath before your TV show or right after?”)

Can I offer a choice about how something is done? (“Do you want to take your bath with your doll or your boat?”)

The best part of using descriptive language is that it takes out the finger-pointing and accusation, and helps everyone focus on what needs to be done.

To learn a new language is not easy. For one thing, you will always speak with an accent. . . . But for your children it will be their native tongue!

وكان الدرس الذي تلقيته أنه ليس كافيا تقديم خدمة شفهية لمشاركة الولد فيما يشعر به، بل يجب أحيانا أن نمشي خطوة إضافية لنرى الأشياء من خلال عيونهم

كل إنسان يمكن أن يقرأ كتابا، و لكن يحتاج المرء إلى عزم شديد، وإلى أن يقف نفسه على دراسة كل كلمة في الصفحة كي يستطيع أن يستخدمها في التغلب على حزنه وغمه.

If someone really listens, acknowledges my emotional pain, and gives me the opportunity to talk more about it, I then “begin to feel less upset.

One father said that what helped him become more sensitive to his son’s emotional needs was when he began to equate the boy’s bruised, unhappy feelings with physical bruises.

Not till the bad feelings come out can the good ones come in.

became aware of how far gone I was when I found myself trying to Scotch-tape a broken pretzel together to stop my four-year-old from crying.

When we acknowledge a child’s feelings, we do him a great service. We put him in touch with his inner reality. And once he’s clear about that reality, he gathers the strength to begin to cope.

To help everyone better understand the difference between giving equally with measured amounts, and giving uniquely, in terms of each child’s legitimate needs, I handed out the following illustrations:

Insisting upon good feelings between the children led to bad feelings. Acknowledging bad feelings between the children led to good feelings. A circuitous route to sibling harmony. And yet, the most direct.

اگر اجازه دهید بچه بداند به خاطر او در رنج و عذاب هستید، هیچ لطفی در حق او نکرده اید؛ و با کاری که می کنید به او می آموزید نباید از خود مواظبت کند. به او یاد می دهید از نقطه ی ضعف حرکت کند، نه از نقطه ی قوت.

Imagine,” I thought, “a world in which brothers and sisters grow up in homes where hurting isn’t allowed; where children are taught to express their anger at each other sanely and safely; where each child is valued as an individual, not in relation to the others; where cooperation, rather than competition is the norm; where no one is trapped in a role; where children have daily experience and guidance in resolving their differences.

Give information. What we like about giving information is that, in a sense, you’re giving the child a gift he can use forever. For the rest of his life he’ll need to know that “milk turns sour when it’s not refrigerated,

You’ll never go wrong if you describe what you think the child might be feeling (‘You must be so proud of yourself!’) or what the child has accomplished (‘A lot of practice and perseverance went into winning that medal’).

When they’re tempted, conflicted, or confused, they’ll know where to turn for guidance. When the unwholesome voices in the pop culture call to them, they’ll have another voice inside their heads—yours—with your values, your love, your faith in them.

Are there any physical changes that could be made in the house that would invite cooperation? (Could some hooks be placed low in the closet to eliminate the struggle with hangers? Would some additional shelves in a child’s room make cleanup less overwhelming?)

Children often experience praise of a brother or sister as a put-down of themselves. They automatically translate, ‘Your brother is so considerate’ into ‘Mom thinks I’m not.’ It’s a good idea to save our enthusiastic comments for the ear of the deserving child.

1. Start by acknowledging the children’s anger towards each other. That alone should help calm them. 2. Listen to each child’s side with respect. 3. Show appreciation for the difficulty of the problem. 4. Express faith in their ability to work out a mutually agreeable solution. 5. Leave the room.

Statements like these say to the child, “I don’t like what you did, and I expect you to take care of it.” We hope that later on in life, as an adult, when he does something he regrets, he’ll think to himself, “What can I do to make amends—to set things right again?,” rather than “What I just did proves I’m an unworthy person who deserves to be punished.

زمانی که به کودک می گوییم او نمی فهمد چه حس می کند، نه تنها او را از دفاع طبیعی اش محروم کرده ایم، بلکه او را گیج، بی حس،و سردرگم بار می آوریم. او را مجبور می کنیم دنیایی غیر واقعی از کلمات، و سیستم های دفاعی ای بسازد که هیچ ارتباطی با واقعیت های درونی اش ندارد. او را از شخصیت واقعی اش جدا می کنیم؛ و زمانی که به او اجازه نمی دهیم بداند چه حس می کند، احساس کمتری برای درک آدم های اطرافش خواهد داشت.

One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss One of the benefits the authors point out of discussing logical consequences with children rather than handing out arbitrary punishments is that the practice gives THEM the language to discuss seting boundaries and making decisions, even in conflicts with their friends.

Schedule family meetings. You wouldn’t expect your car to run without periodic refueling and maintenance, yet we expect our family unit to run without regular checkups. The most enthusiastic endorsement for family meetings comes from parents and children who have experienced them. One teenager told us, “It’s a great way to make sure tensions never build up. We sit around and talk about family activities, chores, who wants to do what, who wants to trade off what, who’s bothered by what.” His mother added, “It’s a time for all of us to think creatively about what we need for ourselves and how we can be supportive of each other.

The group beamed and applauded. It was a lot to absorb. I thought I’d better summarize. “So when it comes to homework,” I said, “here are your new strategies.” 1. Be on your child’s side. Acknowledge his feelings! 2. Problem-solve. Consider everything. 3. Be your child’s advocate. Communicate with the teacher when homework gets overwhelming. Don’t worry about what other people’s kids are doing.

Describe what you see “I see a brand new jacket on the floor.” or Describe what you feel “That bothers me.” or Describe what needs to be done “This jacket belongs in the closet.

treating our children, not as they are, but as we hoped they would become.

Why do siblings argue so much? Well, let’s start with a brilliant analogy from Elaine Mazlish and Adele Faber, authors of one of my favorite parenting books, Siblings Without Rivalry. They remind us that when a child gets a sibling, it feels to them similar to how it would feel for you if your partner got a second spouse. Imagine your partner comes home and says, “Amazing news! We’re getting a second wife! You’re going to be a big wife and now we’ll have a little wife and we’re going to be one big happy family!” If you’re like me, you’d look around the room thinking, “WHAT? Am I in an alternative universe? Why is this good for me?” All of your relatives and neighbors ask you if you’re so excited about this new wife, then nine months later everyone showers her with gifts and hugs, and forever after, you’re expected to love this woman and get along swimmingly. Imagine one day you take one of her items—something that used to be yours—out of her hand and everyone yells at YOU about it, saying, “You can’t do things like this! You can’t take a toy from a little wife! Look how small and helpless and innocent she is!” By this point, I think we’d be beyond confused . . . we’d be filled with the rage that comes from feeling unseen. This. Is. Siblinghood.

DANNY: Wait a minute. (sits back on his

The point is, some things are easier to swallow if someone understands how hard it is for you, and if you have some small say in how it goes down.

My son never seems to be able to see things from his sister's point of view. Lately I've been asking him, “How would you like it if she did that to you?” But he never answers me. Why is that? The question puts him on the spot. Were he to answer you honestly, he'd have to admit that he wouldn't like it. If you want your son to be able to consider another point of view, make a simple statement that gives him credit: “I'm sure you can imagine how that would feel if that were done to you.” Now he has to think, “Can I imagine it? What would it feel like?” But he doesn't have to answer to anyone except himself. And that's good enough.

Tėvų kelias ir saldus, ir kartus. Jis prasideda visišku atsidavimu mažam, bejėgiam žmogučiui. Metų metus mes jaudinamės, planuojame, raminame ir bandome suprasti. Atiduodame savo meilę, pastangas, žinias ir patirtį, kad vieną dieną jis ar ji turėtų vidinės drąsos ir pasitikėjimo mus palikti.

There is no such thing as a calm, conflict-free life with young children

Punishment

...be fierce about not permitting roles at all. No more labeling of children's characters. Every child needs to be seen as a multifaceted being--now shy and withdrawn, now boisterous and outgoing; now slow and thoughtful, now swift and purposeful; now stubborn and uncooperative, now flexible. But never the same, always in process, always with the capacity for change and growth. No more labeling of academic ability--'above average' … 'below average'...'mediocre'...'brilliant'...'slow'. Every child needs to be seen as a 'learner' and encouraged to experience the joy of intellectual discovery and the satisfaction of making progress- however fast or slow.

To be loved uniquely—for one’s own special self—is to be loved as much as we need to be loved.

The problem for many parents is that their natural sense of fun fizzles out from the daily irritation of living with kids.

One young man said that what he appreciated most about notes was that “they didn’t get any louder.

Somehow the image of a cut or a laceration helped him realize that his son required as prompt and serious attention for his hurt feelings as he would for a hurt knee.

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD. “Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . .” 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME. “That sounds frustrating!” 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!” All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited. “I can see how angry you are at your brother.Tell him what you want with words, not fists.

know that

The hardest part is the shift we have to make in attitude. We have to stop thinking of the child as a “problem” that needs correction. We have to give up the idea that because we’re adults we always have the right answer. We have to stop worrying that if we’re not “tough enough” the child will take advantage of us. It requires a great act of faith to believe that if we take the time to sit down and share our real feelings with a young person, and listen to his feelings, together we’ll come up with solutions that will be right for both of us.

Instead of Punishment 1. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS STRONGLY—WITHOUT ATTACKING CHARACTER. “I’m furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!” 2. STATE YOUR EXPECTATIONS. “I expect my tools to be returned after they’ve been borrowed.” 3. SHOW THE CHILD HOW TO MAKE AMENDS. “What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease.” 4. OFFER A CHOICE. “You can borrow my tools and return them or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide.” 5. TAKE ACTION. Child: “Why is the toolbox locked?” Father: “You tell me why.” 6. PROBLEM-SOLVE. “What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I’ll be sure they’re there when I need them?

when our words are infused with our real feelings of empathy that they speak directly to a child’s heart.

Before our next session I prepared an exercise for the group. I took the original situation and restated it from what I thought might be Bobby’s point of view. Then I wrote three possible ways that parents might handle Bobby’s chronic lateness.

But it’s how we handle the ‘ordinary, everyday small stuff’ that lays the groundwork for handling the ‘big stuff.

4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY. “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

we treated both our children and ourselves, that our readers would catch the spirit behind the skills and be inspired to improvise

Kiedy dajemy dziecku radę lub natychmiastowe rozwiązanie, odbieramy mu możliwość radzenia sobie z własnymi problemami ========== Jak mówić, żeby dzieci nas słuchały. Jak słuchać, żeby dzieci do nas mówiły (Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish)

bed!

across the

Steady denial of feelings can confuse and enrage kis. Also teaches them not to know what their feelings are--not to trust them.

The danger here is that this kind of praise puts relationships on thin ice. Might the big brother feel threatened when his little brother learns to tie his shoes? Will his accomplishment be diminished? And how will big sister feel when the “baby” starts learning to read? And will the brothers be likely to work together and help each other out with cleanups when one’s achievement depends on the other’s failure?

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.     “Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . .” 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.     “That sounds frustrating!” 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.     “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!

Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Children Need to Have Their Feelings Accepted and Respected. 1. YOU CAN LISTEN QUIETLY AND ATTENTIVELY. 2. YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS WITH A WORD.     “Oh . . . Mmm . . . I see . . .” 3. YOU CAN GIVE THE FEELING A NAME.     “That sounds frustrating!” 4. YOU CAN GIVE THE CHILD HIS WISHES IN FANTASY.     “I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!”       All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited.     “I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists.”   Note: You may find it useful to make a copy of this and other “reminder” pages and put them up in strategic locations around the house.

What people of all ages can use in a moment of distress is not agreement or disagreement; they need someone to recognize what it is they’re experiencing.

It’s important for these youngsters to realize that if they’re genuinely sorry their feelings of remorse should be translated into action. The “repeat offender” can be told any of the following: “Sorry means behaving differently.” “Sorry means making changes.” “I’m glad to hear you’re sorry. That’s the first step. The second step is to ask yourself what can be done about it.

It’s much easier to tell your troubles to a parent who is really listening. Sometimes a sympathetic silence is all a child needs.